Personal beliefs and refl ections - 57 successful admission essays

Accepted! 50 successful college admission essays - Gen Tanabe, Tanabe Kelly 2008

Personal beliefs and refl ections
57 successful admission essays

In this chapter you will read essays on:

Personal beliefs & refl ections

Infl uential books

Family

Infl uential people

Things that represent me

Writing essays

Extracurricular activities & athletics

Music

Math & science

Jobs & careers

Issues

Overcoming a weakness or challenge

Places

One of the most diffi cult things we have learned (some would say we are still learning) was how to train our dog. While we read how-to books on dog training and got advice from friends, the most useful teaching aid turned out to be a video. It was effective because it actually showed dogs learning the commands. It gave us a chance to see how a well-trained dog was supposed to behave (which helped since we had not witnessed such behavior in our own dog.) The visual examples in the video gave us a goal to aim toward and confi dence that a dog could learn the new tricks.

In the same spirit of training, we present 57 successful admission essays so you, too, can see how the lessons in the previous chapters are put into action. (Yes, the title of this book promises 50 essays, but being overachievers, we decided to give you more!) As you write your own masterpiece, use these as inspiration and models to compare to your own work.

But before you start, a modest warning. These are by no means the only ways to write a successful essay. In fact, these essays worked because they refl ected the writers’ unique experiences, achievements, thoughts and personality. Your own background and style are no doubt different and therefore your essays will be different.

Use these to understand the qualities that make a successful essay.

Analyze each and understand why it is interesting and memorable and ultimately helped the writer get accepted. Look at the use of language.

Appreciate how the writers approach their subjects. Try to uncover their motivations. In other words, learn from these examples, and be inspired by them. But whatever you do, don’t try to copy them.

We guarantee that if you follow the strategies in the previous chapters and infuse your own personality and way of thinking into your writing, you, too, can produce a powerful and effective essay that is all your own.

Now, let’s read some successful essays.

Personal beliefs and refl ections

Jessica Haskins

Saratoga Springs, New York

Jessica is not one to hide what she really cares about in her writing.

For her college applications, she wrote about Dr. Seuss, becoming an atheist and Star Trek. She advises, “If you let your own personality come through, your essay will be much more powerful and striking.”

At Saratoga Springs High School, she avidly wrote in a heavy load of AP courses and by keeping a daily diary and nightly dream journal. In the future, she hopes to use her “wild imagination” in fantasy novels and short stories.

IDIC, Anyone?

Bard College

All right, I’m going to do it. I’m going to write an essay about Star Trek.

I hope you haven’t read many Star Trek essays before this one. They tend to be formulaic, lauding Trek’s vision of a brighter, better future, its daring in employing a multiethnic cast, its inspiring mission “to boldly go”... I think all that stuff is cool too, but everything about it has already been said, and I don’t want to add to the mountain of pages already written on those subjects. I’ll attempt to come up with something marginally more original by discussing a different facet of Trek, one that has had a larger impact on me personally.

I understand that you may have never seen an episode of Star Trek in your life. You may be thinking, “Isn’t that the one with the guy with the funny ears?” You may be thinking, “Isn’t that the one with that Yoda guy?”, but I hope not. (That’s Star Wars, by the by.) I’m going to talk about the people with the “funny ears,” people who I think are rather neat. They’re called Vulcans, and they live according to a philosophy called IDIC. (Aha! I remember that word from the title! But what does it mean?) “IDIC” stands for “Infi nite Diversity in Infi nite Combinations.” It is the Vulcan national symbol and one of their highest principles. What it means is that we should respect everyone and everything in the universe, and appreciate, rather than attempt to eradicate, their differences. At the core of this concept there is also a sense of awe at the beauty and complexity of the universe and consequently a deep reluctance to corrupt it by forcing conformity upon naturally diverse elements. Another way to sum it up is with this quote from Surak, the “father of Vulcan philosophy”: “Any given group is far more than the sum of its infi nite parts, and the parts all infi nitely less for the loss of one of them.” This philosophy of recognizing value in everyone, even those who may disagree with you, is an appealing one that I’ve strived to embrace.

The more oft-remarked-upon characteristic of Vulcans is their strict adherence to the principles of logic. Vulcans eschew outward displays of emotion, preferring to reason out a situation instead of reacting instinctively.

The discipline of choosing logic over emotion is called cthia, though the name is not commonly known. I’ve seen people around me react to problems irrationally, maybe snapping at someone in a moment of anger, blam-ing them for something that wasn’t their fault. They’ll regret the words later, but cthia is a reminder to me to think before I speak, to consider the effect my words and actions will have on other people.

The ideas I’ve mentioned so far are the lessons to which I refer most often.

Vulcans have much more to recommend them: They are pacifi sts, vegetar-ians, philosophers and scientists. They value knowledge and learning above almost all else. They have a saying: “The spear in the other’s heart is the spear in your own. You are he.” They are very empathic, determined to “ideally, do no harm.” They are at peace with the world.

That is why I have adopted the Vulcans as role models. I believe that we look for teachers to teach us the lessons we’re convinced we need to learn, and Vulcan characters in Star Trek are very convenient teachers, modeling the way I’d like to view and fi t into the world. Watching them hasn’t defi ned my way of thinking, but it has infl uenced it and helped me to defi ne it a little better myself. They say that the best way to tell the truth is through fi ction.

And I’ve just got to say it: Live long and prosper.

Why this essay succeeded

Even though you’ve never met her, can’t you just picture what Jessica may be like? Doesn’t her essay convey her personality through the description of what she fi nds so appealing about the Vulcan philosophy?

Essays that leave the readers with a clearer idea of who the writer is are always good. While Jessica’s essay at fi rst appears to be an analysis of Star Trek, it’s really a portrait of herself.

Throughout the essay Jessica doesn’t just describe, she analyzes. Colleges want students who are introspective, who can take a step back

from their own lives and examine them. Instead of merely reporting

the values she has learned from the Vulcans, Jessica interprets why

these values (which are, after all, from a fi ctional people) are important to her and how they affect her. It’s clear that Jessica has thought a lot about the deeper philosophical themes of this television show.

Finally, who wouldn’t admire Jessica’s bravery for admitting that she is a “Trekkie?” Most people imagine a “Trekkie” as a dork without a

life. But Jessica unapologetically and proudly admits her love for Star Trek and convinces us that even if we are not fans of the show that we, too, can learn something from the underlying message of the show’s characters. And Jessica is certainly not a dork.

Sameer H. Doshi

Toronto, Canada

Sameer wrote this essay after a family dinner party one night; a long but pleasant day in the kitchen helped him refl ect on what he hoped to accomplish in college. He grew up in suburban Detroit until his family moved to Toronto when he was in high school. Sameer tried to stay busy at his new high school, A.Y. Jackson Secondary. His favorite activities were cross country, debate and his school newspaper, The Core.

Sameer is color-blind and tone-deaf, which he says explains why his creative expression is limited to cooking! He hopes to be an advocate for environmental policy.

Culinary Creation

Harvard University

My aim is creation. I love the idea of giving life to nothingness. Were I another person in another time, I might spend my whole life tilling the land. Just like the earliest farmers, the sight of dirt giving rise to carrots and tomatoes at my whim feels like a miracle. I like to randomly burst out in song. I like to shake my body. If I could I would be a pianist and a poet and a painter and a politician. Unfortunately, in all these disciplines my ability can’t meet my enthusiasm. Where I can create, and break tired codes, is in the kitchen. With unlimited time and resources I would become the best pastry baker and the fi nest chef in all of the eastern seaboard.

I really like food. On some drab school days I cheer myself up thinking of the dinner awaiting me in the evening. Often I do a 24-hour fast to ready my stomach for a huge meal. Now, being served this food is fi ne. It’s usually restful and rewarding to sit down after a long day to someone else’s careful work, whether they be parents, grandmothers or Little Caesar. But I’ve noticed a dull glaze in the eyes of those who cook every night. They’re doing it not to forge the uncreated conscience of their race, as a hungry James Joyce might say, but out of sometimes love and sometimes duty. I know cooks whose “old standbys” wow me every time, but they haven’t any pleasure in their labors. Care and duty are NOT why I want to explore food.

I love the whole culinary process, from seedling to grocery to refrigerator to oven to table. At each stage the elements grow more complex and my work far more deliberate. Peeling and coring an apple takes more intellection than planting a row of seeds. Yet I think I shine where order fades away: beyond rules and recipes, in that zone called It’s Up To You. I decided to throw in a cup of yogurt instead of butter to my pound cake. No one told me that lentils, carrots and a bay leaf would make a great salad. I just felt them together. And there was a unanimous vote—me—to add cumin and coriander to the spaghetti sauce. Sizzle. Bubble. The creation is imminent Someone like me needs to stand over that stove. I need to see the joy in my eaters’ eyes when they say, “This is really good! How’d you do this?”

Their simple joys are my creative release—the critical acceptance of new-ness. In life and in the kitchen, I want to be the best in my fi eld.

Since he is writing about cooking, it’s not surprising that Sameer’s essay appeals to the senses. From his word choice and sentence structure, you can see the carrots and tomatoes ripening, smell the coriander and cumin simmering and almost taste the lentil salad. These sensual cues help to make his essay jump from the page.

But Sameer’s essay is not just a tasty recipe. Sameer explains why he loves cooking and how it gives him a level of freedom to create that is beyond what he can experience in the other areas of his life. He makes it clear that his approach to perfection in cooking is also the same approach he takes to life.

Sameer’s essay is an excellent example of blending descriptive language with poignant analysis that is a joy to read and leaves our mouth watering for more.

Elisa Tatiana Juárez

Miami, Florida

Based on her research in osteoporosis and gerontology, Elisa has won awards in a number of competitions including the Intel International Science and Engineering Fair and the South Florida Science and Engineering Fair. But each time she entered a competition, she noticed that economically disadvantaged students were underrepresented. She did something to change this. Working with the Miami Museum of Science and Big Brothers Big Sisters, she founded the Students and Teachers

Advocating Research Science (STARS) program to assist disadvantaged middle school children. A graduate of Coral Reef Senior High, Elisa has been recognized for her work and won both the Hispanic Heritage Youth Award and the Target All-Around Scholarship.

Birks and Barbie

Brown University

I am not a Barbie doll.

I came to that realization the day I discovered the power of Birkenstocks.

As we all know, Barbie is genetically engineered by marketing professionals to wear stiletto heels every day of her life, which makes it impossible for her to even consider Birkenstocks. On the other hand, I have molded my Birkenstocks to my feet. To put my feet into a pair of fi ve-inch spikes would be criminal. This whole concept is quite simple actually. Here let me explain. Which of the “new and improved” Barbie dolls stands up against all odds and wins international science awards? Or walks through the streets of México teaching children Bible stories? Or spends her Saturdays in downtown Miami feeding homeless people? How many times have you heard of Barbie advocating the rights of women and minorities? Never, as far as I know.

When I was younger I never had a Barbie doll. There was something about her that I just didn’t like. Growing up, I remember getting chemistry and biology kits as gifts, not a plastic doll with long blonde hair and beyond-perfect measurements. Now, don’t get me wrong, Barbie is a wonderful inspiration to many of us. She teaches wonderful marketing skills, she stands for the capitalism America is known for; whether or not that is a good thing is up to you. Still, I was very disappointed when I dissected a Chapter 7: 57 Successful Admission Essays neighbor’s Barbie one day and discovered that there was nothing inside.

She was empty, hollow, uninteresting scientifi cally, and I soon lost interest.

I mentioned that Barbie does not wear Birkenstocks. How would that help you learn more about me? When I slip on a pair of Birks I feel invincible. I think it has to do with the stories my mother told me growing up. Protest-ing against the Vietnam War, wearing fl owers in her hair and fi ghting for peace, all the while sporting leather sandals. Those stories have been an inspiration to me. She made me think of all the things that I was capable of doing. She was the one who gave me my fi rst pair of Birks and planted in them was the power of invincibility. To this day I wear my Birkenstocks to everything I do that is non-conventional. I tend to look at life outside the box, unlike Barbie, whose imagination and very existence depends on the plastic box that surrounds her.

Never once in my life did I imagine that I would compete one day against the best high school science projects in the world. Through my perseverance, tenacity and faith in myself, I was able to not only fulfi ll my dream, but also to do more. Due to my success in science fairs internationally, I began to sense that it was not fair that other kids weren’t given the same opportunities. This motivated me to start a project involving middle and elementary school age children from economically disadvantaged backgrounds to come together and create with exciting projects. The goal of this project is to give kids confi dence in science. So what if they come from “disadvantaged” backgrounds? They should have the same opportunities as others. The group of kids I am working with now is small, but they are so excited about science and research. Just the other day, one of my girls came up to me and said, “I don’t really like science, my thing is literature and English, but these workshops have given me the opportunity to explore and have fun learning about science. Now I actually like it.” I have helped someone discover that science isn’t just something that crazy guys in white lab coats do.

When I look around at the girls in my school, I wonder which girls spent a lot of time with Barbie growing up. Maybe they’re the ones more concerned with what they look like on the outside and not on the inside. The ones who worry more about who will take them to prom than whether they will graduate from high school. The ones who worry about dating the guy who drives the newest model of car, when right down the street young kids are worrying about where they’ll get their next meal. Don’t get me wrong; I am not bitter, or even envious. I am proud of who I am. I am proud to be the girl who always wears those not very attractive sandals. I am proud to try to be that invincible revolutionary girl who wears her Birks.

From the fi rst, stark sentence, Elisa draws us in with her rejection of Barbie—that all-American childhood toy. This essay would have fallen fl at if Elisa did not do a sound job of showing why Barbie holds no interest for her and how her passions represent the exact opposite of what Barbie is perceived to be. Elisa’s essay is very thoughtful without being overly philosophical. The part about dissecting Barbie to fi nd her “empty” is a perfect image that captures how her intellectual curiosity contrasts to Barbie.

In her essay Elisa does not just tell us what she is not. She also provides an image of what she is: a pair of well-worn Birkenstocks. We see how the Birkenstocks came to symbolize perseverance and how she has learned to think on a large scale and be willing to contribute.

Throughout the essay Elisa incorporates her accomplishments without giving unnecessary detail. If the admission offi cers want to learn more about her work with the homeless or science fair achievements they can look at her application form. It would be a waste of space to reit-erate what can be found elsewhere in the application. This is a prime example of when less is better.

Gabriel D. Carroll

Oakland, California

In the eighth grade, Gabriel wanted a way to take notes more quickly.

He developed his own shorthand, Gastropodese, now a collection of more than 250 symbols that he still uses. This was just one indication of Gabriel’s creativeness. As he applied to colleges, he wrote about solving math problems in Jack London Square, the importance of paper and his desire to become a cheese afi cionado. His creativity is perhaps one of the reasons that he is incredibly gifted in mathematics. A graduate of Oakland Technical High School, he earned awards from competitions including the American Regions Math League and International Math Olympiad and won third place in the national Intel Science Talent Search for his project, “Homology of Narrow Posets.”

He wrote this essay to gain admission to Cornell but chose to attend Harvard University.

The Slice of Life

Cornell University

For years I have harbored a secret desire to become a cheese afi cionado.

This is not entirely arbitrary. Cheese, as an independent entity outside of any broader alimentary context, is at once worldly and whimsical. It provides the ideal complement to that side of my personality that has historically been dominant. My experiences have been largely rooted in the world of the abstract and the intellectual. Mathematics, music, writing and the like have given me a certain sense of detachment from reality. While I have historically enjoyed this detachment, there is always a desire to diversify.

Eating cheese is a direct immersion in the world of the senses, where things are taken at face value. You don’t analyze cheese, you just eat it—a refreshingly simple outlook on life.

At the same time, cheese offers the opportunity to express my individuality.

There are plenty of more popular ways to get in touch with the earth, from cleaning to gardening to fi shing, but I eschew the familiar. Cheese means uniqueness, or some approximation thereof. It also means independent imagination. Why be always bound to accepted notions of what is useful, what is interesting, what is respected? To take—for purely recreational purposes—something normally perceived as just one component of the kitchen and to turn it into a paradigm of its own requires both will and creativity.

And there is precedent: I like cheese. There are few sources of greater immediate gratifi cation than munching a mozzarella, swallowing a Swiss or consuming a Camembert. My fi rst encounter with a Parmesan—a solid block, not the Kraft grated stuff—was a revelation. Still, these are all among the more ordinary and pedestrian types of cheese. I feel a certain guilt in ignorance: I enjoy cheese, yet I have never gone beyond the average supermarket shelf to discover what infi nitely more exciting fl avors this world might hold. I have dreamed of remedying this discontentment, of ambling over to the local Barnes & Noble and fi nding a guidebook on cheeses and then of procuring samples of each, one by one, until I had developed a genuine familiarity with the world of cheese. Thus far, time and expense have seemed prohibitive. But there are always more opportunities.

Only after beginning the application process did it occur to me that Cornell is a highly appropriate place to pursue an interest in cheese. It would be logically connected to the existing dairy tradition. I don’t know what food-oriented student organizations exist to back up my interest, but what with the famous wine-tasting course (to say nothing of the food programs at the college of Agriculture and Life Sciences), the university has at least a vaguely relevant academic tradition established. A large and diverse place, such as Cornell University, would be the most receptive setting for such an esoteric hobby.

The benefi ts of making cheese an acknowledged and regular part of my existence are essentially twofold. On one hand, it would mean realizing and developing a passion that has long been latent. On the other hand, it would be an integration of a new element into my personality, one that would simultaneously contrast with the existing elements and embody the same spirit of creative distinctiveness that I endeavor to infuse in the rest of my life. I defi ne myself by what I do. I imagine being asked at parties: “What do you do?” “I am a mathematician,” I would reply, including suit-able detail. If pressed for more, “I also compose music, write poetry, code software, solve cryptic crosswords and play a mean game of Anagrams.”

After pausing an instant, I would add, “And I eat cheese.”

Gabriel’s essay is proof that virtually any topic can make a successful essay. He takes an everyday item (a food derived from mold no less!) and gives it meaning. Gabriel convincingly explains why cheese is signifi cant to him and what it represents. While the essay is superfi cially about cheese, the reader really learns more about him.

There is an honest quality to Gabriel’s essay. He does not try to present his interest as something more than it is. He does not pass himself off as a connoisseur with a vast knowledge of exotic cheese. He is just an amateur who truly enjoys eating cheese—something we can all relate to.

At the end of his essay, Gabriel includes a connection between Cornell and its academic programs and his love for cheese. While not essential, showing why a university is a strong fi t to you is a good idea as long as it is appropriate for your topic.

Evan A. Coughenour

Bryn Mawr, Pennsylvania

Evan wrote his essay about something in which he believes—nine rules for being human given to him by his eighth-grade adviser. He says, “I was inspired by what I believe in and hold dear to me. The only way to write anything is to choose something that you really care about.”

At the Episcopal Academy, Evan was involved in lacrosse and music composition and performance. He plans a career in law.

The Rules for Being Human

Yale University

I question the process in which I go through life because I realize that I constantly fall short of my best. I see my life as a series of forks in a road, choices I must make to determine my path, decisions capable of leading me to a plethora of destinations. Whenever I begin to doubt my current path, I simplify the situation, asking myself not only where I want to go, but also more importantly “Are you enjoying each step that you take?” I want to squeeze the life out of each moment; I wish to value each day and live with meaning. Carpare diem volo.

My eighth-grade adviser gave me a simple document that encouraged me in this walk time and time again. I have read over all nine of “The Rules for Being Human” countless times as I lay in my bed, about to drift off to sleep, envisioning the places my path might lead. These rules apply in every situation, regardless of how frustrated, rested or experienced I may be. I walk a straight path only by accepting these rules and humbly allowing them to govern my aspirations.

Rule No. 2: “You will learn lessons.” Mark Twain once said, “I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.” Though I walk through the doors of The Episcopal Academy fi ve days a week, I learn my most precious lessons not in these classrooms but in the classroom of life, with experience as my professor. I have never been “ready” to learn a lesson. The situations best suited for teaching take me out of my comfort zone and put a fork in my road; they require me to make a decision rather than allowing me to grow complacent.

I spent two weeks in July this summer in London, living with a host I did not know, in a town I had never before seen. Yet as I boarded my plane at the end of the trip bound for Philadelphia, I felt as if I was leaving my home, instead of returning to it. I woke up each day in London unsure of what I would learn, but reentered my fl at at night amazed at the lessons laid out for me. I learned not to eat an Indian Kebab without a large water supply at hand to soothe my palate. I learned to look right before crossing the street, so that I might not meet an untimely end in London’s inverted traffi c patterns. On a more meaningful level, I found true happiness by putting aside my desires in order to love and serve those around me.

While in London, I concentrated on each individual experience, seeking to take something of value away from every moment. At home, however, I often cannot fi nd such edifying episodes. Whenever I encounter this road-block, however, I read Rule 3 and remember that all of my decisions can teach me if I remain open-minded about my daily experiences.

Rule No. 3: “There are no mistakes, only lessons.” Dan Webster, now president of Authentic Leadership Incorporated, helped to fi rmly establish the value of making bad decisions in my mind. In choosing the wrong path, I unwittingly take the fi rst step down the road to knowledge. Before starting down this road, however, I must choose to limit the damage I have done by confronting the consequences of my decision, putting away my pride and changing direction yet again. Rather than growing angry at this point, I look for the lesson hidden in my blunder and commit it to memory. Finally, I let go of this particular debacle, retaining solely the lesson I have learned.

As Vivian Fuchs once said, “Good judgment is the outcome of experience—and experience is the outcome of bad judgment.”

Rule No. 4: “A lesson is repeated until it is learned.” I often fi nd myself so fully consumed by life’s paltry details that I have little time to refl ect on a picture of greater importance. When I step back to look at my progress, I fi nd that I have somehow been spinning my wheels, doing much but learning little. Almost a year ago, I wrote my fi rst journal entry in response to this dilemma; I cannot believe that I ever could live in ignorance of such a valuable process. Writing each night on the unlined pages of my crimson book, I’m able to later use daily experiences as valuable teaching aides.

When I take the time to read over past entries, lessons that I have never before recognized often become clear to me. When I read back in my journal, I search not for days in which all the facets of my life seemed to fl ow together smoothly, but for the times when thoughts and events have been the most misconstrued. As I relive these wrong turns, I learn to avoid repeating similar blunders.

Rule No. 5: “Learning lessons does not end.” Every event in my life presents me with new lessons, yet I often pass them by, taking no notice of their value. A few years ago, a senior urged Episcopal’s Upper School students to ask ourselves why we get out of bed each morning and auto-matically go to school or work. The more I thought, the more intrigued and philosophical I became. Of course, I got up in the morning because it was what I did every morning, but this answer left me unsatisfi ed. Did I go to school each day out of respect for my parents? What made me keep going? Why do I put up with these seemingly meaningless tasks? What was there to gain? As I pondered these questions though, my gaze wandered over to my bedstead, and I read over the quote which precedes this paragraph. Thus I awake each morning eager to seize a fresh day, for I always know that another lesson awaits me.

A lot of students get stuck when asked to explain their “life philosophy” or “beliefs.” Evan avoids getting bogged down by choosing to share just a few of his rules for life. An essay doesn’t need to give the whole pie; just a slice will do.

Evan also avoids the common mistake of parroting back someone else’s words or thoughts. While he does share a few of “The Rules for Being Human,” he uses examples from his life of how he has observed each rule. These concrete examples not only illustrate the impact of the rules but also help to keep the essay from becoming too much about the “rules” and not enough about Evan.

Notice that Evan is very deliberate in the examples that he chooses. His trip to London could have fi lled an essay all by itself. But by exercis-ing restraint, which was probably not easy, Evan distills his London experience to a single paragraph that advances the overall theme of his essay.

Shor Bowman

Elk Garden, Virginia Shor was sitting in his family’s living room when he decided what he would write about for his application essay. He remembered back to a time when the room was a different color, the furniture was in the style of the 1970s and he transformed it into his personal art gallery.

That became the topic he would write about. While at Lebanon High School, he participated in mock trial, forensics and singing in the choir. He wrote this essay for William & Mary but chose to attend the University of Pennsylvania.

The Bowman Gallery

William & Mary College

The artist squinted his eyes and observed the work that had just taken shape before him. The colors were vibrant, seemingly glowing independently of the light in the room. The detail was exquisite. The woman’s arms were just in the right position to be playing the fl ute; the tiger seemed alive. Perfection had been achieved.

Detaching the work from the makeshift easel, he proceeded to change the page in the art book. “Hmm...what’s this?” he asked himself. “Max Ernst’s Oedipus Rex? Fabulous! I wonder if I have enough brown magic marker...”

Placing another piece of white typing paper on the easel, he began to emulate yet another artistic masterwork to be hung proudly in the Bow-manden.

Art has always fascinated me and always been important in my life. From the day that I fi rst discovered my mother’s 2,000-page college art books, the colors, images and worlds depicted on canvas have held special meaning for me. Henri Rousseau, Henri Matisse, Franz Marc, Marc Chagall—they all did and still do captivate my imagination.

However, as a child in kindergarten, I was unable to fi nd many people that shared my interest in painting. Many of my friends would rather have watched Michelangelo and Leonardo beat up Foot Clan members instead of looked at their murals and sculptures. I decided that I had to do something to change this Philistine viewpoint. Perhaps they just needed exposure! A trip to the Louvre was out of the question, but a trip to the Bowman household was not.

Thus, I began working tirelessly at reproducing the marvelous paintings that I found in the books. Armed with Crayola markers, ballpoint pens and an easel I made, I reproduced the works of such artists as Pablo Picasso, Paul Klee, Vincent Van Gogh, Georgio DeChirico and Claude Monet. I didn’t view the task as labor, but I cherished it as entertainment and fulfi llment. I loved reproducing such great works and being able to see how well my artistic talents were developing. When the dust had settled, I had reproduced 24 paintings in all. Considering the fact that an art display needed a gallery, I chose the Bowman family den as the location for the display.

With the use of some scotch tape, the television room was transformed into a cultural mainstream, featuring works of the world’s fi nest artists. My friends, unfortunately, never came. However, visitors that my parents had were treated to the art gallery and allowed to see and experience culture (or at least its carbon copy) fi rsthand.

As time for the Super Bowl came near, however, the gallery met with an unfortunate termination. Those drawings still exist and are defi nitely not forgotten. They serve as a testament to my ability and desire to create.

They help to remind me that art is beautiful, that apathy will not do and that sometimes, enriching an intellectual environment requires that you get involved—sometimes to the extreme—and I will always be involved.

Through this essay Shor demonstrates he’s not afraid to be different and daring. At an early age, he was exposed to—and more importantly—interested in famous artists. While his friends watched TV, he created reproductions of famous artwork. Shor shares the roots of his desire to learn and explore that he clearly carries onto later in his life.

By taking us inside of his head we see what he saw when creating his masterpiece copies.

When writing about abilities, you don’t always have to describe your current achievements, which may be detailed in other essays or parts of the application anyway. You can, as Shor has, show the admission offi cers a window into your heart, the genesis of your passion.

Stephanie Moy

Whitestone, New York

The fi rst time Stephanie visited the Cornell campus she knew that it was her dream school. It didn’t matter that she was 4 years old at the time. She gained the inspiration for writing this essay after speaking with her father, whom she describes as “rather philosophical.” The two discussed how she had connections with both her ethnic culture and American culture. A graduate of Stuyvesant High School, Stephanie was co-captain of a technology event for the Science Olympiad and enjoys drawing the humanoid form and creative writing. She plans to work in web development or web design.

A Convergence of Clashing Beliefs

Cornell University

I grew up in a traditional Chinese family. All members of the older genera-tions in my family are immigrants from China or the former British Colony of Hong Kong and still hold with them the customs and traditions they practiced in their homeland. Immersed in this sea of traditionalists I grew up thinking that American and Chinese cultures were identical. However my understanding has changed greatly since; although I still see both cultures as “identical,” it is from a different perspective.

It wasn’t until I began school that I became slightly exposed to American culture. Since I was young, my parents were protective of me and only occasionally allowed me to play with friends at their houses, thus decreasing my association with American families. When I began “American School,”

my parents also enrolled me in a Chinese School that met once a week. To me, Chinese School was simply an extension of the customs I already practiced at home. As a result, even if I had more interaction with non-Asian friends, my greater familiarity with Chinese culture gave me the impression that the customs of my ethnic homeland were the customs most Americans followed.

As I became more familiar with American culture, however, I began to fuse characteristics of and customs from both cultures and inherited a hybrid culture. For example, Chinese philosophy teaches us to maintain a low profi le, that is, to not unnecessarily fl aunt possessions and knowledge. Know your limit; never underestimate yourself, but do not push beyond your own abilities. American philosophy, on the other hand, encourages aggression and competition and acceptances of challenges, even those that may be too much to handle. There is an obvious clash in the beliefs of both cultures. While Chinese culture may be too conservative and wary, American culture likewise seems too aggressive and does not have enough caution against things not working out as planned.

Although the philosophies of either culture by itself may be too self-de-structive or self-denying, I’ve found that it is effi cient to pick the best from each and combine them to the best advantage for myself. For example, don’t be too passive as Chinese philosophy advises, yet don’t jump at every chance for promotion or raise as American philosophy suggests and possibly blow a blood vessel in the process. Rather, I fi nd it most effi cient to take the middle road, try new things and accept challenges with an open mind. Nevertheless, once your duties become too much to handle drop some less-signifi cant activities and see how things work out. Instead of being an unknown entity or an arrogant big shot who announces every accomplishment in your life (and who will undoubtedly gain a few more envious enemies), make yourself known, but just enough so that people know who you are but not to the point that you are just another celebrity.

This adaptation of two very different cultures converging is the “hybrid culture” that I follow.

Writing about culture (especially if you were raised in an immigrant family) is very popular. Unfortunately, most essays try to include every similarity and difference and in the end all sound the same. Stephanie is able to avoid this trap by focusing on just one major confl ict between her two cultures: the Chinese tendency to show restraint versus the American tendency to be competitive.

She goes a step further by discussing how she has resolved this confl ict.

We can see from Stephanie’s essay how taking the middle ground helped her to assimilate the two contrasting impulses.

When writing about a big issue such as the clash of cultures it is much better to do as Stephanie did. She broke down the topic into manage-able parts and focused on just one or two aspects. This will almost always result in a stronger essay. Not to mention it will make your job of writing easier, too.

Mark R. Eadie

Rensselaer, New York

Mark was born with a desire to build, whether it was with his older brother’s Legos or with hammer and nails. He has worked with his family to handcraft their own summer home and with his college classmates to build a national championship-winning solar car. At Columbia High School, Mark was an Eagle Scout, leader in his church and involved in Boys State and Model Congress. Through his essay, he says he wanted to give “an honest look at my life, what I’ve done and what I’ve had to deal with to do these things.”

Building

University of Michigan

The week before my second birthday was my introduction to the world of Legos. My mother was busily getting ready for Christmas and needed to keep me occupied so she let me play with my 12-year-old brother’s Legos.

Although she did not think I would be interested, I sat on the carpet creating airplanes, cars and rocket ships for nine hours. That was the beginning of my love affair with engineering, design and building.

Soon clocks, motors, even new bicycles were not safe from my screwdriver or pliers, much to the consternation of my mother. My dad, a builder by avocation, was thrilled when I asked to help him and demanded an explanation of how everything worked as we repaired the house and added on to our summer camp. My father taught me many skills, how to build walls, plumb a bathroom, wire a house, lay hardwood fl oors, install windows and add cedar siding. Using many power tools and saws was fun, but the care I learned in planning and executing each step for highest quality was especially important.

In addition, I have an insatiable hunger for knowledge. When young, I read the World Book Encyclopedia and Encyclopedia Britannica as other kids read comic books and the backs of cereal boxes. No matter how much I learned I sought to know more. I wanted to understand the way things work more than I wanted the newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle action fi gure. For my ninth birthday, my grandmother gave me a subscription to Discover magazine. I read every issue cover-to-cover, reading past bedtime to learn about fl y-wheel engines, archaeological digs in China and the moons of Jupiter. I can never thank my “Grandmommy” enough for adding fuel to my fi re for learning.

My father’s and my latest project, due to our shared love of astronomy, was building a fi ve-foot-long, six-inch diameter refl ecting telescope with a Dobsonian mount. It was here I fi rst really appreciated my dad’s demand for perfection. After days of work, the result was incredible. The starry view is breathtaking—it adds so much to my excitement as I read Steven Hawking’s and others’ views on cosmology.

As the Senior Patrol Leader in my Boy Scout Troop, I have experienced the importance of teaching and inspiring younger scouts so they will develop the skills and values that I have learned. As an Eagle Scout, I had to design, organize and direct the troop in completing a major project. Utilizing the knowledge gained through working with my father and the communication skills developed through leadership in Boy Scouting and Presbyterian youth work, we extended the hiking trail system in our community by building a 20-foot by 4-foot bridge across a stream near the Hudson River.

Not only is there satisfaction in seeing the completed bridge, there is the more important realization that my leadership is helping younger scouts develop into responsible, community-involved citizens. I’m very proud of them.

My church leadership role, as moderator of the Presbyterian Youth Connection Council for eight states, has allowed me to share my hope for the future, faith and vision with thousands in my generation and with adults across the Northeast.

Because of a baseball accident at age 10, the nerve in my right ear is dead, leaving me with only monaural hearing. Surgery did not work, and conventional hearing aids can’t help people who are totally deaf in one ear. Fortunately, creative innovation combined with technological development has provided a “cutting edge” solution. A doctor in Connecticut has developed a trans-cranial hearing aid—the sound produced by the aid is transmitted so powerfully that it is conducted through the skull to the nerves in the good ear, on the opposite side of my head. With this, I can hear stereo-phonically as my brain interprets the second set of sound as though it was coming through my right ear.

As the benefi ciary of one man’s creative skills, I know what engineering can accomplish. The ability to examine a problem like unilateral hearing loss, create a new vision and solve the problem for people is the inspiration for my applying to Michigan’s Engineering School. My faith and commitment to serve people motivates this drive. I want to use my insatiable desire to learn and create in order to advance technology for the benefi t of others.

The fi eld of engineering is leading our society into more exciting develop-ments than ever before, and I seek to use my leadership skills within this arena.

My vision is that aerospace engineering will allow humans not only to exceed the physical boundaries of our planet’s limits but to grow intellectually beyond the constraints of terrestrial experience. In addition to all the practical earthly benefi ts that come from aerospace engineering, like biomedical, mechanical and materials breakthroughs, the philosophical and emotional benefi ts to humankind are extremely signifi cant.

I want to attend the University of Michigan for love of engineering, for the challenge of it and to prepare myself to make a greater contribution to our society.

Mark’s essay primarily shows the college how he became interested in engineering and why he is applying to the school of engineering.

His descriptions of working with his father portray his insatiable appetite for learning how things work. It is clear that Mark wants to be an engineer not to make lots of money or because his parents are forcing him into it, but because he truly loves to build (and take apart) machines. Mark also alludes to a more personal reason for his desire to become an engineer. As the benefi ciary of one engineer’s invention, he regained his hearing.

While this essay covers a lot of ground, there is no doubt in the reader’s mind why Mark will be a successful engineer. Notice, too, that Mark says nothing about his grades or academic courses—those are all self-evident in his transcript and test scores. By focusing on the “why” of his love for engineering, Mark makes his essay both original and memorable.

Elisa Lam

New York, New York

Elisa chose to write about a serious topic and demonstrate what she learned about herself and her family from the experience. Even though it was a trying situation, she explains how she grew closer to her mother from it. A second-generation Chinese American, Elisa is a fi rst-generation college student and a graduate of Stuyvesant High School.

Growing Up

Cornell University

I was only 14 years old when I faced the realization that neither I nor the people around me were invincible. When I was young, I had always thought that my parents were like superheroes. They were always happy and had the answers for everything. Everyone knew that bad things didn’t happen to good people, therefore my parents could not be hurt. This theory of mine was also applied to everyone else I knew. With this naive thought, I felt safe for many years even though I watched the news on television every day and listened to reports on tragic accidents and crimes.

The news seemed to be contrived just for entertainment purposes. How could so many murders be committed by ordinary-looking people? How could there be so many stories about death and scandals? I dismissed these stories because I never thought I could be affected by them, they seemed to be so far away from me. Then one day I saw my mother cry.

Two months prior to this event, my family had spent the summer in Connecticut. My mother’s fi rst friend in America, Ann, had opened up a new business in a small suburban town and wanted us to come help out. Every day my father, mother, sister and I helped. Our family stayed over at Ann’s new house the entire summer. In time, Ann and her husband became an extended part of our family. We spent every day together during times of work and play. I recall the fi shing trips we had, the lazy days spent by the lake among wildfl owers and dragonfl ies. I learned how to skip rocks and hook a worm that summer. By the time we had to leave, I had collected many happy memories and experiences.

Two months later, the entire family was sitting at the dinner table when I heard my mother gasp and put the newspaper down. This caught my interest and I scanned the page over her shoulder, not knowing what I looking for. Then I found it, a very familiar name—Ann’s. There were no pictures; just an article in black and white. I had to read the story twice before I understood what it was saying. A woman had been shot twice in the head by her husband. After seeing what he had done, the husband shot himself.

The bodies were discovered two days later. What was the motive for such an act? She had wanted to divorce him and marry someone else. I remember feeling dazed because I just couldn’t believe that this could happen to two people I had spent so much time with. They had been happy and Ann’s husband seemed nice and normal. I had spent every day of the past summer with this man, never doubting his sanity. I simply did not believe he was capable of such a deed. My mother was in shock. Five minutes later she was crying hysterically when she realized that her friend of over 15 years was really dead. I had never seen my mother cry before; she still rarely cries.

Though this experience was disturbing, it has given me a chance to get to know my mother better. My mother did not have relatives in America or many close friends, so she did not confi de in many people. Being a traditional Chinese mother, she did not tell my sister and me much about what was going on or what she really felt. Because of this, my mother and I had never been particularly open about the everyday events in our lives. She was the mother and I was the daughter. She was to teach and I was to listen; this was our relationship. Ann was my mother’s best friend, she knew almost everything about my mother’s life. When she passed away, my mother had no one to talk to. I became my mother’s confi dant and friend.

Over the past couple of years, we have shared secrets, hopes and dreams.

Ann’s death has also made me appreciate both my life and the lives of the people I care about more. The realization that things could change at any given time has defi nitely changed the way I see things.

Many students who write about a traumatic experience concentrate on describing the event. The successful essay must go beyond this, which Elisa has done exceptionally well.

By showing us how the death of her mother’s friend affected her, Elisa allows us to learn more about who she is and how she deals with tragedy. Whenever you write about a specifi c experience—whether as dramatic as this one or not—think about how you can delve into the event beyond the standard “who,” “what,” “when,” “where” and

“why.” A good essay needs to also answer the question of “how” such an experience affected or changed you or “how” you perceived the experience beyond the simple facts of the event.