Accepted! 50 successful college admission essays - Gen Tanabe, Tanabe Kelly 2008

Overcoming a weakness or challenge
57 successful admission essays

Rita Hamad

Austin, Texas

What she lacks for in stature, Rita makes up for in determination. A world traveler, she writes about her shared height with Napoleon and her comparable drive. It is this resolve that enabled her to advance from English as a Second Language classes within a few months of immigrating to the United States in elementary school. She now speaks English, Arabic, Spanish and is learning Japanese. While a student at the Science Academy at LBJ High School, she was involved in the Latin Club, held an internship at the M.D. Anderson Cancer Center Research Division and became a National Merit Scholar. She plans a career in law or medicine.

All of 5’1”

Harvard University

As a freshman in world geography, our teacher showed us a documentary about Napoleon and his conquests of Europe and the Mediterranean region. Everyone oohed and ahhed when they heard of the general’s domination of almost an entire continent. Admittedly, I too was somewhat impressed by the performance of the little man with his hand in his coat.

A few minutes into the video, the narrator announced that Napoleon stood at a height of 5’1”. As soon as the words were out of his mouth, the whole class turned around to look at me and giggle. When you’re as short as I am, you can’t help being noticed. Yet I was pleased in a way that I had something in common with such a great historic fi gure. I was sure that as Napoleon marched around the battle fi eld in his doll-sized clothing, his soldiers laughed at his crackpot military ideas. He must have faced great obstacles on his road to fame and fortune. And as a 13-year-old minority female, I couldn’t help but smile at the similarities.

When I fi rst came to the United States to attend kindergarten, I was only 4 years old and still a little shaky in my English, so the elementary school I attended put me in English as a Second Language (ESL). I was only in the class for a few months, though, when my teachers realized that all I needed was a little confi dence. Soon I was reading faster and at a higher level than all the children in the Aim High English classes. By the time I reached the fi rst grade, I was making straight A’s. But after the second grade, my family moved to Bahrain, a small island in the Arabian Gulf.

There I had to relearn Arabic and deal with the cultural shock of returning to a Middle Eastern country. Even this situation didn’t last very long, and I was back in Austin for sixth grade. At this point, I had learned to adapt to change very quickly, and the little girl who had taken ESL received fi rst place in UIL Spelling in the Austin Independent School District as a seventh grader. Due to all of our traveling, however, I didn’t know that there was a magnet school for junior high school until it was too late, so I didn’t get the chance to display my full potential. In fact, my eighth grade algebra teacher tried to discourage me from challenging myself. She said that I should take my time in high school, take one math credit per year—especially if I planned to attend the Science Academy. Being as determined as I am, I rejected these notions and signed up for both Algebra II and Geometry as a freshman. Within a few months, I had proved her wrong. I quickly shot up to become valedictorian of my class, and two years later I made a 5 on the Calculus BC AP.

From that point on, nothing could stand in my way. If anybody told me I wasn’t capable of achieving something, I took it as a challenge. Against the odds again, I ran for president of the Latin Club as a junior and succeeded.

Over the summer I planned several carwashes and solicited corporations for contributions to fund the upcoming trip to Italy, an event that even the sponsor doubted I could pull off. But that spring, he was happy to see that I was successful. At the end of my term last year, the club presented me with an award that I now treasure more than any of the trophies I’ve received at the various competitions I’ve attended: “Most Likely to Take Over the World: to Rita Hamad, for her Napoleonic Complex... Short on Stature, Long on Ambition.” They guessed it! Although I have no intentions of overthrowing the government, I do intend to conquer everything I set my mind to. In a sense, Napoleon will be one of my role models in school, in my career and for the rest of my life.

The essay can be an opportunity to provide context to your achievements with a level of detail that is just not possible through the application form itself. Rita does this by sharing with the admission offi cers the various challenges she needed to overcome. In addition, Rita reveals her sense of humor. Poking fun at her diminutive size, she contrasts it with her extraordinary determination. The admission offi cers probably appreciated her creative approach and the way that she carried the Napoleonic theme from start to fi nish. Providing additional background like Rita does helps the admission offi cers understand not only what you’ve done but also the conditions under which you did it.

Daniel Alexander Uribe

Houston, Texas

Not many students would voluntarily choose to make life more diffi cult for themselves, but this is exactly what Daniel did. Unchallenged by his high school, he transferred to YES College Preparatory High School for a more rigorous academic curriculum. At YES, he participated in student council and YES Family, in which he mentored younger

students. He wrote this essay for the University of Miami but decided to attend Cornell University.

Bench-Pressing My Education

University of Miami

Saturday morning—I was determined to accomplish the task that lay before me. I was not only doing it for myself, but for all my friends who had tried but failed.

This morning, however, I believe the odds were on my side. The struggle began, and once again, I felt myself succumbing to its power; however, I was not going to go down without a fi ght. I felt that I was crushing the cold steel, bending and twisting it. With every squeeze of my palm, the cold sweat on my forehead slowly disappeared and I saw myself winning. I was fi nally doing it—I was bench-pressing 200 pounds!

To many people, bench-pressing 200 pounds may not be a signifi cant achievement. For me, it was more than just the physical act. Before I accomplished this goal, I spent many hours in my backyard gym. At fi rst, I failed to see the fruits of my labor because I wanted quick results. Disappointment set in, and I did not see myself improving. After I bench-pressed 200 pounds, I realized something beyond lifting the actual weight: success or rewards are not always going to be initially apparent. The hours of work in the gym, the sweat and the soreness all helped me understand the commitment and dedication needed to accomplish my long-term goals.

This same idea holds true with my education. At Milby High School, I felt that I was not being challenged academically, so I decided to transfer to YES College Preparatory, a school with a rigorous academic program.

At fi rst I was overwhelmed with the amount of work. I resisted and resented what teachers asked of me; I did not see the advantages of doing it. I felt that I was back in the gym and once again, the hard work was not showing immediate results.

Consequently, I shut down mentally and refused to work because I truly felt my efforts were in vain. However, my overall attitude changed during my junior year as I began to embrace the challenge of proving to myself that I could handle the course load. My grades improved and I found myself thriving in this environment. The summer before my senior year, I had the opportunity to attend a challenging summer program at Stanford University focusing on philosophy. Besides learning about Plato’s theories, I also realized during those three weeks that the work that I had done in school and the high level of expectations placed on me by my teachers helped prepare me to be a successful student in this program. This unique opportunity existed because of the hard work and commitment that I had fi nally shown in school, just as I had shown in the gym.

Refl ecting on my fi rst two years of high school, I, like so many others, wish that I could go back and redo them. However, I feel fortunate to have gained this insight when I did, for I know now that while I cannot change the past, I can always shape my future.

This essay may have been quite ordinary if not for the fact that Daniel deftly draws a parallel between weightlifting and learning. He is able to connect the two skills and show how his experience overcoming the 200-pound barrier also helped him excel in school. This is an attention-getting connection to make.

Daniel’s essay also shows that he is not afraid of a challenge. But he is a realist and understands that achievements—both physical and mental—take time and dedication. Daniel does an excellent job taking an otherwise common topic and turning it into something uniquely his own while showcasing his strengths to the colleges.

Erica Laethem

Caro, Michigan

Erica overcame a speech impediment to become a theatrical performer and debater. She wrote about this challenge in her essay. She says, “I believe that those frustrating years helped mold me into the person I am today.” At Caro High School, she was also the band drum major, homecoming queen and a varsity swimmer and soccer player. Erica

plans to enter the fi eld of medicine to help others overcome diffi culties as she did.

A Personal Challenge

University of Michigan

“I am convinced that life is 10 percent what happens to me and 90 percent how I react to it,” Charles Swindoll lectured in his famous speech entitled “Attitude.” By overcoming a tormenting affl iction, I have developed one of my most treasured gifts.

When I was in second grade, my teacher expressed concern about the way I stumbled on words in a conversation. At the beginning of the year, my stuttering was only a minor impairment, but by January, it had grown into a full-blown predicament. I was so diffi cult to understand that listeners would either interrupt me by telling me to “spit it out!” o r they would simply tire from trying to comprehend my “foreign dialect” and give up conversing with me altogether. My teacher recommended that I see the speech therapist who visited the elementary school regularly. Each time I would leave the classroom for my session with the “therapist,” a name that de-noted “psychoanalyst” to my classmates, my farewell was addressed with young voices echoing my impediment, “Buh-buh-buh-bye, Erica!”

The m o ckery projected from the mouths of classmates was humiliating, but the pain incurred from an adult was even more agonizing. In the spring of my second grade year, Sister Loretta asked my Sunday school class if anyone was interested in reading a gospel selection for our congregation for our First Communion ceremony. When I eagerly raised my hand, my Sunday school teacher argued, “Oh, Sister, don’t pick her...she stutters!”

I felt ashamed and incompetent as my classmates nodded their heads to endorse my teacher’s assertion. Sister kindly replied, “I think she’ll do just fi ne.”

On the way home in the car, I burst into tears. I was so hurt by my Sunday school teacher’s discouragement that I wanted to resign from my newly appointed position. My mother, who was as upset as I, lifted my chin and said, “Well, I guess we’ll just have to prove her wrong, won’t we?” As soon as we returned home, I began practicing that reading. I practiced that single piece for at least 30 minutes a day, every single day. Soon, the repetition from solitary studying and speech therapy began to show results.

On that First Communion Sunday, I spoke with clarity and enunciation, with enthusiasm and confi dence. I had transformed my teacher’s devastat-ing statement into the motivation that powered my vigorous training of repetition.

My First Communion was only the beginning of a whole-hearted struggle to overcome my impediment. I continued to practice with the speech therapist and at home with my parents. The struggle was not brief, but the process improved my senses of perseverance and dedication. If I hadn’t been faced with the challenge to surmount my speech impediment, I would have never developed the enthusiasm to excel in communication

arts. In the seventh grade, I auditioned for our community theater’s musical production of “The Secret Garden,” and was cast as the leading role of Mary Lennox. The call informing me of my acceptance at the Thumb Area Center for the Arts confi rmed that I really had won the battle. Overcoming my speech impediment has opened doors that never would have been opened if I hadn’t been “blessed with that given 10 percent” to conquer.

I have been asked, “Erica, if you could change one part of your life what would it be?” Most people who knew me when I was younger assume that I would love to omit the part of my life when I was tormented because of my severe stuttering problem. I usually surprise them when I say, “I wouldn’t change a thing.” That time of my life taught me how to overcome life’s adversities. Most importantly, it taught me the importance of encouragement, sensitivity and kindness.

I wish to extend the fulfi llment of overcoming challenges with a University of Michigan education. The standard of academic excellence that the University provides will serve as a superior foundation to build my future upon.

My dream is to pursue a career in medicine where my work will propel my patients to experience the joy of conquering adversity.

When writing about a challenge, it’s best not to spend too much space describing it but to focus more on how you have overcome it. Erica explains her test, the torment she faced from classmates and the determination she had to ultimately triumph. Through her selection of examples, she doesn’t trivialize her efforts but instead explains how much work it took. The essay is both uplifting and inspiring and speaks volumes about her determination and commitment.

Success does not have to be earth shattering—in Erica’s case her fi rst victory is simply reading a gospel without stuttering. But success of any magnitude is impressive if you overcome tough obstacles to achieve it. And admission offi cers respect that. Using your essay to explain how you overcame a diffi culty—rather than describing the challenge

itself—will make for a much more powerful essay.

Nenhan Zhang

San Mateo, California

Nenhan is the persistent type. When he immigrated to the United States, he mastered the language to become an outstanding student. In swimming, he progressed from most improved swimmer his sophomore year to most valuable his junior year to team captain his senior year.

While a student at Burlingame High School, he also participated in the math club and volunteered at the Coyote Point Museum. After college he plans to become an architect.

From Struggle to Success

U.C. Berkeley

As I draw my red photo album from the bookcase, wiping away the thin layer of dust that has obscured its cover, I pause to heighten the anticipa-tion. This album has been my treasure box, its covers storing memories of my childhood in my native China. Opening up my album, I see a photograph of my father. I hear his wise reminder on the key to success: “If you want to survive, you have to put in twice as much effort as anybody else.”

Attending an American high school has added new images to my autobiography. The moment I walked into the English as a Second Language classroom of Burlingame High School, I saw what my father meant by “survival.” I have a mental photograph of myself at that classroom doorway, stopped by the fear and turmoil within my mind, wondering what I would do if someone spoke to me. Would I use my limited English, or would I rely on hand gestures to get my point across?

I did, however, survive. I knew that giving into intimidation was useless; I had to confront this challenge to understand and to be understood by others. When I tired of fl ipping through my English-Chinese dictionary, refl ecting on this goal reminded me how much I still needed to learn in order to catch up with the people who sat next to me in my classes, and I worked harder. At the end of my freshman year, my work earned me both a satisfying grade and an acceptance into the next level of College Prep English.

The following year, I had the opportunity to enter the Honors English class, an opportunity that would test my desire to take a chance and to put in the extra effort to succeed. Although my work in sophomore College Prep English had been vigorous and substantial, I doubted my ability to face the most challenging English class available. I consulted two teachers, and they both warned me that my grade would probably suffer in the honors class.

Hearing the challenge in their words, I decided to take the risk in order to learn more, and I made the leap to the next level. After six weeks of devoted frustration, I received a C minus. My parents were worried that I was exceedingly burdened, but I was content with the level of competition and with the information and skills I was learning. In spite of—or perhaps because of—that initial grade, I wanted to show that I could not only survive, but succeed.

On the day of our last in-class essay, the speed with which my pen covered my originally blank piece of paper fl ashes in my mind like another mental photograph. I fi nished my essay in the time given. After countless nights of little sleep, I had caught up with the class, and I fi nally prevailed with an A minus. More importantly, I proved that challenging myself had been the right decision.

My struggle to succeed in high school was like trying to climb a very tall mountain, and my steep and diffi cult climb has brought me a great sense of accomplishment. Each minor accomplishment was like surmounting a smaller peak; one of those more frightening peaks to conquer was a 10-minute solo presentation on civil rights for Honors English. Keenly aware of my accent on certain words, I was clearly not born for public speaking. As the girl speaking before me fi nished her last words, I could feel my heart crashing against my chest, and the temperature of my hands dropped to absolute zero. I stood in front of my class, and 70 staring eyes pinned me as I tried to utter my fi rst word. As I continued to speak, however, my frustration and discomfort abated. When I heard applause and saw smiles on my classmates’ supportive faces, I was overwhelmed by pride and satisfaction. The intense effort had been worth the reward.

This triumphant image stays with me as I fl ip my photo album closed. “If you want to survive, you have to put in twice as much effort as anybody else.” While I fi nd that my father’s words still echo truth, I have also found that with effort I can not only survive, but thrive. During this seemingly short period of time studying in Burlingame High School, I have found the confi dence and the strength to take on any challenge that life may offer me.

Nenhan’s essay really takes you inside his head to share his thoughts, fears and emotions as he faced each new trial. He helps you understand how he could become motivated enough to raise his grade from a C to an A. This is also a very good decision since the admission offi cers might wonder about his low grades early on in high school. But after reading his essay they would not only understand his transcript better but would be even more impressed at his turnaround. Nenhan’s essay fulfi lls two goals: it provides context for his achievements and shows his ability to overcome challenges. Both are highly desirable by colleges looking for good students.

Kelly Y. Tanabe

Cerritos, California

When writing her essay, Kelly, the co-author of this book, remembered the painful experience she had in elementary school when she made her fi rst presentation to the class. With moist palms and butterfl ies in her stomach, she anxiously read the words on the index cards. Kelly vowed that she would become a writer so that she could express herself fully through words on paper if not always aloud. At Whitney High School, she became the editor of the newspaper, assistant editor of the yearbook and worked with the local library to start a reading program for elementary school children. And she made many more presentations to the class, growing more comfortable each time.

My Voice

Harvard University

I have a soft voice. When I was younger, I did not like to present oral reports to my class because my voice did not carry. I have always desired a powerful voice, a voice that beckoned others to listen, captivated them and provoked them into absorbing the thoughts I expressed.

I was not born with this voice. For this reason, I have turned to writing. For me, my voice is projected through the words I write. Since I wrote my fi rst article for my elementary school newspaper at the age of 8, I have had a passion for journalism.

Through my school newspaper, Aspects, I grew acquainted with the fi eld of journalism. As the Editor of this self-funded work, I learned the steps necessary to produce a publication—from the conception of articles to the distribution of the paper.

This background with Aspects developed in me the desire to continue my growth as a journalist. For this reason, I plan to develop my communica-tions abilities in college as well as to write for a publication upon my gradu-ation. With this education at Harvard and Radcliffe, I hope that my writing skills will progress in order to prepare for my future in the field.

With this education, I hope to hone my voice. I want others to listen, to hear my ideas, to have their lives affected by the articles that I write. For while the words that I speak are heard only once, the words that I write will be heard many times. Now, I have a powerful voice.

Since this is my (Kelly’s) essay I can add some thoughts on how I wrote it and what I was trying to accomplish. My biggest challenge was the limited space. It’s a problem that every student faces. I knew that I could only get in a few key points and I defi nitely wanted one of them to be my work with the school newspaper. But I also knew that this could be problematic since there were literally thousands of high school journalists applying to college. So how could I make my essay unique?

The answer came when I did some self-refl ection into why I enjoyed writing and how I felt when I wrote. When I thought about it I realized that I loved writing because it gave my voice—which was soft—volume.

I could be heard through my writing in ways that I never could be in person. So that became my introduction and how I would make my essay unique.

Doing so also allowed me to work in the fact that I had been writing for a very long time. On the Harvard application I listed my involvement in the high school newspaper but there was no place to mention my writing before then. So my essay allowed me to include my earliest journalistic assignment at age 8. I hoped that this would show the admission offi cers that writing was something that was an integral part of the majority of my life.

Finally, I wanted to conclude the essay on a high note and show that my future was only just beginning. I wanted the admission offi cers to understand that as a college student I would continue to raise my voice through my writing (which I ultimately did working on the Harvard newspaper) and make myself heard.