How to write a winning scholarship essay - Gen Tanabe, Kelly Tanabe 2018

Miss America essay
12 essays that bombed

We’ve all seen the Miss America Pageants. And we’ve all heard (and made fun of) the speeches contestants make. “I want to cure the world of hunger,” “I want to save and give back to mother nature” and “I want to make sure that every person on the planet has a place they can happily call home.” These ideals are just too lofty to take seriously. It is amazing how many scholarship applicants write about these very ideals that, despite their good intentions, are just too idealistic to be considered seriously.

My dedication to the world

Through five years of community service, I’ve learned many things. I’ve seen the empty hearts in the children without parents and the broken hearts of seniors who get no visitors. Because of these experiences, I’ve learned that only through service I can be a fulfilled person.

Therefore, I have decided to work to end the suffering of all people who face the perils of being without food, clothing or shelter. This is now my life goal.

After college I plan to start a shelter for orphans. This orphanage will take care of children who have been abandoned and will attempt to create as normal a family life as possible. Once my first orphanage is established I will branch out to other areas and countries. My dream is to build a global network that would once and for all end the suffering of children.

Once I have accomplished this I plan on running for public office so that I can affect change on an even broader scale. As senator or president I will make laws and convince other countries to do what they can to protect each and every human. For it is only by committing ourselves to ending human suffering that progress can be made.

As humans we are here to make the world a better place, and if each person does his or her part, like I plan to do, the world would be a much better place.

why this essay bombed

The applicant’s heart is in the right place but the ideas are just too farfetched to be taken seriously. This just sounds too much like a Miss America answer and does not show that the applicant has any basis in reality.

How to avoid this mistake

This type of essay should be avoided altogether. There’s no doubt that if each of us were given the chance, we would end worldwide hunger or save Mother Nature, but let’s face it, this isn’t realistic. Focusing on a few issues and describing what you have done can make a great essay. Keep a positive attitude and enthusiasm but ground your ideas in reality, and focus on what you have done instead of what you would do in a limitless world.