How to write a winning scholarship essay - Gen Tanabe, Kelly Tanabe 2018

The most influential person in the world
12 essays that bombed

A common essay topic is the person who has had the most influence on your life. You can imagine the countless essays that students write about parents, grandparents, siblings, friends and idols. The challenge is to write about this influential person in a way that is different from what other students write and that reveals something about you as well.

This essay falls short on both counts.

I Love my family

There is no one person who has had the most influence in my life; instead, it is a group. That group consists of the most important people in my life: my family. My family is made up of four people: my mom, my dad, my younger sister and me. My parents are my role models; they provide the home in which I live, the food that I eat and the money to buy essential items. They have set for me a good example of what kind of life I should lead. They have always been there for me, through the good times and the bad, to support, love and cherish me.

My mom, in particular, has always been very supportive of me. She has been the one to tell me bedtime stories when I go to sleep. She has been my unacknowledged chauffeur, taking me places such as the occasional baseball game or regular piano lesson even if she had more important things to do.

My father, on the other hand, has always been the advice giver. To me, he is all knowing, for he always has a good answer to the questions I have.

My father, who is an engineer, helps me with my math and science homework; I wouldn’t be as successful at math if it weren’t for him. I love both my parents because they have both contributed to my life so much.

My sister has also played an important role in my life. She has always helped me whenever I was in need; when I couldn’t solve a problem, when I couldn’t think of a good design for my visual aid or just when I needed someone to talk to. I love my sister, and even though I’d be embarrassed to tell it to her face, she’s my best friend. And even though we might fight every so often about issues we shouldn’t even care about, our friendship is a strong one; those fights are just testaments to how real it really is.

why this essay bombed

The problem with this essay is that it is too ordinary. Many applicants will write about what their parents do for them and how they hope to pattern their lives after them. This essay just does not stand out.

How to avoid this mistake

It may be difficult to choose just one person who stands above the rest. And the person you select may be mom or dad. These essays will work if, and only if, a unique angle is taken. A generic description about your father, such as, “My father is always there for me, through the good times and the bad,” will go nowhere. It’s important to be as specific as possible in describing exactly what it is that you admire about your father. Fortunately, there are unique things about all of our siblings, parents, friends and idols that make them special. Focus on those aspects.