50 Successful Ivy League Application Essays - Tanabe Gen, Tanabe Kelly 2009
“Exploring life’s Intricacies” by Mathew Griffin
Why Our College
Brown University
Because i find life’s intrIcacy so amazing, biology and its related subjects are the most enjoyable topics for me. Within biology our brains interest me the most, which—with their countless neurons and chemicals—give us unmatched emotion, uniqueness, and potential.
Due to the possibilities of understanding emotions and mental problems from their source, I’d like to develop a great understanding of neuroscience, and use it to help people overcome diseases and mental barriers as a doctor, allowing them to achieve the highest possible quality of life.
Brown University would also give me the greatest ability to help people. With their deep community involvement and famous neuroscience department, I would have an outstanding opportunity to help people as I develop the utmost understanding of neurology. The open curriculum will also bring me more benefits. The ability to study multiple languages and social sciences will help me interact and exchange ideas with fewer limits. Moreover, the curriculum will allow me to be come an outstanding scientist. The way in which this could help me scientifically is best summarized in the words of my biology professor at Kent State University: “One of our major inhibiting factors in addressing more complicated issues of science is that scientists need to have a sweeping grasp of multiple disciplines such as psychology, biology, convention physics, and quantum physics. And if that wasn’t bad enough, you’re going to need amazing writing skills to convey your ideas to other people and seem credible.” I don’t necessarily expect to achieve full mastery in the four or five years I spend as an undergraduate, but I believe Brown is where I’ll have the best opportunity to advance in these areas. To expand even more, the open curriculum would allow me to surround myself with individuals that are just as passionate about languages and sciences as I am. With these classmates I would love to have great conversations and even participate in research. Attending Brown University will bring me all of these things, which will aid me in becoming the best doctor and scientist I can possibly be.
Analysis
Mathew’s short essay directly addresses the proposed question in a way that provides plenty of supporting evidence without extraneous details. The opening paragraph shows Mathew’s curiosity and knowledge about neuroscience. He describes his higher goal for studying neuroscience: “to help people overcome diseases and mental barriers as a doctor, allowing them to achieve the highest possible quality of life.” This sentence shows that Mathew is not only interested in acquiring knowledge, but applying it as well.
The second paragraph begins with the comment, “Brown University would also give me the greatest ability to help people.” It is not clear what the “also” refers to in this sentence; a better transition sentence might have provided a tighter logical structure. However, the subsequent sentence does an excellent job of conveying a specific reason and explanation for choosing Brown. “With their deep community involvement and famous neuroscience department, I would have an outstanding opportunity to help people as I develop the utmost understanding of neurology.” To demonstrate greater familiarity with the program, Mathew might have included names of particular faculty from whom he was interested to learn, or aspects of the famous department. Since most Ivy Leagues are high profile, it is usually a good idea to cite more than just fame in explaining one’s reasons for applying to a school. Mathew’s description of the “open curriculum” is an excellent example of a more specific aspect of Brown University. Being able to use the university’s terminology demonstrates a level of familiarity with the school that admissions officers are likely to appreciate.
Mathew quotes his biology professor at Kent State University in support of the benefits of the interdisciplinary opportunities that Brown’s open curriculum offers. This quote is one of the most compelling aspects of Mathew’s essay. Not only does the quote convey a strong opinion, but it also tells us that Mathew is a precocious high school student who is already attending classes at the university level, and that he has listened carefully to his professor, whose words have served a mentoring role. Mathew might have chosen to explain his relationship to this professor in greater depth—especially if he knew the professor on a personal level—since this would also demonstrate that he listens during lectures and also takes the initiative to meet his teachers.
Mathew’s hope that the open curriculum would allow him to surround himself with “individuals that are just as passionate about languages and sciences as [he is]” clearly highlights two aspects of the open curriculum he is particularly interested in: languages and science. Though his enthusiasm for science is evident from his opening paragraph, he might elaborate on why languages interest him. In general, it is best not to introduce major interests or themes at the end of essays, since this may leave readers with lingering questions and a sense of dissatisfaction that these were not answered.