Student's guide to writing college papers, Fourth edition - Kate L. Turabian 2010
Focus on the first seven or eight words of a sentence
Revising sentences
Writing your paper
14.1 Focus on the First Seven or Eight Words of a Sentence
14.1.1 Make Subjects Short and Concrete
14.1.2 Avoid Interrupting Subjects and Verbs with More than a Word or Two
14.1.3 Put Key Actions in Verbs, Not in Nouns
14.1.4 Put Familiar Information at the Beginning of a Sentence, New at the End
14.1.5 Avoid Long Introductory Phrases
14.1.6 Choose Active or Passive Verbs to Reflect the Previous Principles
14.1.7 Use First-Person Pronouns Appropriately
14.2 Diagnose What You Read
14.3 Choose the Right Word
14.4 Polish It Off
Your last big task is to make your sentences as clear as your ideas allow. On some occasions, you may know your writing is awkward, especially if you're writing about an unfamiliar and complex topic. But too often you won't recognize when your sentences need help. You need a plan to revise sentences that you know are a problem, but even more, you need a way to identify those that you think are fine, but that readers will think are not.
We can't tell you how to fix every problem in every sentence, but we can tell you how to deal with those that most often afflict a writer struggling to sound like a “serious scholar,” a style that most experienced readers think is just pretentious. Here is a short example:
1a. An understanding of terrorist thinking could achieve improvements in the protection of the public.
However impressive that sounds, the student who wrote it meant only this:
1b. If we understood how terrorists think, we could protect the public better.
To diagnose (1a) and revise it into (1b), however, you must know a few grammatical terms: noun, verb, active verb, passive verb, whole subject, simple subject, main clause, subordinate clause. If they're a dim memory, skim a grammar guide before you go on.
14.1 Focus on the first seven or eight words of a sentence
Just as the key to a clearly written report is in its first few paragraphs, so the key to a clearly written sentence is in its first few words. When readers grasp those first seven or eight words easily, they read what follows faster, understand it better, and remember it longer. It is the difference between these two sentences:
2a. The Federalists' argument in regard to the destabilization of government by popular democracy arose from their belief in the tendency of factions to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good.
2b. The Federalists argued that popular democracy destabilized government, because they believed that factions tended to further their self-interest at the expense of the common good.
In this section we will show you how to write a sentence like (2b)—or to revise one like (2a) into (2b).
Five Principles for Clear Sentences
To draft clear sentences or revise unclear ones, follow these five principles:
1. Make subjects short and concrete, ideally naming the character that performs the action expressed by the verb that follows.
2. Avoid interrupting the subject and verb with more than a word or two.
3. Put key actions in verbs, not in nouns.
4. Put information familiar to readers at the beginning of a sentence, new information at the end.
5. Avoid long introductory phrases: get to a short, familiar subject quickly.
Those principles add up to this: Readers want to get past a short, concrete, familiar subject quickly and easily to a verb expressing a specific action. When you do that, the rest of your sentence will usually take care of itself. To diagnose your own writing, look for those characteristics in it. Skim the first seven or eight words of every sentence. Look closely at sentences that don't meet those criteria, then revise them as follows.
14.1.1 Make Subjects Short and Concrete
Readers must grasp the subject of a sentence easily, but can't when the subject is long, complex, and abstract. Compare these two sentences (the whole subjects in each are underlined; the one-word simple subject is boldfaced):
3a. A school system's successful adoption of a new reading curriculum for its elementary schools depends on the demonstration in each school of the commitment of its principal and the cooperation of teachers in setting reasonable goals.
3b. A school system will successfully adopt a new reading curriculum for elementary schools only when each principal demonstrates that she is committed to it and teachers cooperate to set reasonable goals.
In (3a) the whole subject is fourteen words long, and its simple subject is an abstraction—adoption. In (3b), the clearer version, the whole subject of every verb is short, and each simple subject is relatively concrete: school system, each principal, she, teachers. Moreover, each of those subjects performs the action in its verb: system will adopt, principal demonstrates, she is committed, teachers cooperate.
The principle is this: Readers tend to judge a sentence to be readable when the subject of its verb names the main character in a few concrete words, ideally a character that is also the “doer” of the action expressed by the verb that follows.
But there's a complication: You can often tell clear stories with characters that are not people. Those characters can be entities such as “school system” in (3b) or “athletics” in (4):
4. Athletics debases a college's educational mission only when it overstimulates the passions of alumni and others who no longer need an education but do need a source of meaning in their lives.
Or they can be purely abstract characters:
5. No skill is more valued in the professional world than problem solving. The ability to solve problems quickly requires us to frame situations in different ways and to find more than one solution. In fact, effective problem solving may define general intelligence.
Few readers have trouble with those abstract subjects, because they're short and familiar: no skill, the ability to solve problems quickly, and effective problem solving. What gives readers trouble is an abstract subject that is long and unfamiliar.
To fix sentences with long, abstract subjects, revise in three steps:
✵ Identify the main character in the sentence.
✵ Find its key action, and if it is buried in an abstract noun, make it a verb.
✵ Make the main character the subject of that new verb.
For example, compare (6a) and (6b) (actions are boldfaced; verbs are capitalized):
6a. Without a means for analyzing interactions between social class and education in regard to the creation of more job opportunities, success in understanding economic mobility will remain limited.
6b. Economists do not entirely UNDERSTAND economic mobility, because they cannot ANALYZE how social class and education INTERACT to CREATE more job opportunities.
In both sentences, the main character is economists, but in (6a) that character isn't the subject of any verb; in fact, it's not in the sentence at all: we must infer it from actions buried in nouns: analyzing and understanding (what economists do). We revise (6a) into (6b) by making the main characters (economists, social class, and education) subjects of action verbs (understand, analyze, interact, and create).
Readers want subjects to name the main characters in your story, ideally flesh-and-blood characters, and verbs to name their key actions.
14.1.2 Avoid Interrupting Subjects and Verbs with More than a Word or Two
Once past a short subject, readers want to get to a verb quickly, so avoid splitting a verb from its subject with long phrases and clauses:
7a. Some economists, because they write in a style that is impersonal and objective, do not communicate with laypeople easily.
In (7a), the because clause separates the subject some economists from the verb do not communicate, forcing us to suspend our mental breath. To revise, move the interrupting clause to the beginning or end of its sentence, depending on whether it connects more closely to the sentence before or after. When in doubt, put it at the end (for more on this see 14.1.4).
7b. Because some economists write in a style that is impersonal and objective, they do not communicate with laypeople easily. This inability to communicate . . .
7c. Some economists do not communicate with laypeople easily because they write in a style that is impersonal and objective. They use passive verbs and . . .
Readers manage short interruptions more easily:
8. Few economists deliberately write in a style that is impersonal and objective.
14.1.3 Put Key Actions in Verbs, Not in Nouns
Readers want to get to a verb quickly, but they also want that verb to express a key action. So avoid using an empty verb such as have, do, make, or be to introduce an action buried in an abstract noun. Make the noun a verb.
Compare these sentences (action nouns are boldfaced; action verbs are capitalized; verbs with little action are underlined):
9a. During the early years of the Civil War, the South's attempt at enlisting Great Britain on its side was met with failure.
9b. During the early years of the Civil War, the South ATTEMPTED to ENLIST Great Britain on its side, but it FAILED.
In (9a) three important actions aren't verbs, but nouns: attempt, enlisting, failure. Sentence (9b) seems more direct because it expresses those actions in verbs: attempted, enlist, failed.
14.1.4 Put Familiar Information at the Beginning of a Sentence, New at the End
Readers understand a sentence most readily when they grasp its subject easily, and the easiest subject to grasp is not just short and concrete, but familiar. Compare how the second sentence in each of the following passages does or doesn't “flow”:
10a. New questions about the nature of the universe have been raised by scientists studying black holes in space. The collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble creates a black hole. So much matter squeezed into so little volume changes the fabric of space around it in odd ways.
10b. New questions about the nature of the universe have been raised by scientists studying black holes in space. A black hole is created by the collapse of a dead star into a point no larger than a marble. So much matter squeezed into so little volume changes the fabric of space around it in odd ways.
Most readers think (10b) flows better than (10a), partly because the subject of the second sentence, A black hole, is shorter and more concrete than in (10a): The collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble. But (10b) also flows better because the order of its ideas is different.
In (10a) the first words of the second sentence express information that is new to this passage:
10a. . . . black holes in space. The collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble creates . . .
Those words about collapsing stars seem to come out of nowhere. But in (10b), the first words echo the end of the previous sentence:
10b. . . . black holes in space. A black hole is created by . . .
Moreover, once we make that change, the end of that second sentence introduces the third more cohesively:
10b. . . . the collapse of a dead star into a point no larger than a marble. So much matter compressed into so little volume changes . . .
That is why readers think passage (10a) feels choppier than (10b): the end of one sentence does not flow smoothly into the beginning of the next.
No principle of writing is more important than this: old before new, familiar information introduces unfamiliar information.
14.1.5 Avoid Long Introductory Phrases
Compare these two sentences (introductory phrases are boldfaced; whole subjects underlined):
11a. In view of claims by researchers on higher education indicating at least one change by most undergraduate students of their major field of study, first-year students seem not well informed about choosing a major field of study.
11b. Researchers on higher education claim that most students change their major field of study at least once during their undergraduate careers. If that is so, then first-year students seem not well informed when they choose a major.
Most readers find (11a) harder to read than (11b), because it makes them work through a twenty-four-word phrase before they reach its subject (first-year students). In the two sentences in (11b), readers start with a subject either immediately, Researchers . . ., or after a very short delay, If that is so, . . .
The principle is this: Start most of your sentences directly with their subjects. Begin only a few sentences with introductory phrases longer than ten or so words. You can usually revise long introductory phrases and subordinate clauses into their own independent sentences as in (11b).
14.1.6 Choose Active or Passive Verbs to Reflect the Previous Principles
You may recall advice to avoid passive verbs—good advice, when a passive verb forces you to write a sentence that contradicts the principles we have discussed, as here:
12a. Global warming may have many catastrophic effects. Tropical diseases and destructive insect life even north of the Canadian border could be increased passive verb by this climatic change.
That second sentence opens with a twelve-word subject conveying new information: Tropical diseases . . . Canadian border. It is the subject of a passive verb, be increased, and that verb is followed by a short, familiar bit of information from the sentence before: by this climatic change. That sentence would be clearer if its verb were active:
12b. Global warming may have many catastrophic effects. This climatic change could increase active verb tropical diseases and destructive insect life even north of the Canadian border.
Now the subject is familiar, and the new information in the longer phrase is at the end. In this case, the active verb is the right choice.
But if you never make a verb passive, you'll write sentences that contradict the old-new principle. We saw an example in (10a):
10a. New questions about the nature of the universe have been raised by scientists studying black holes in space. The collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble creates active verb a black hole. So much matter squeezed into so little volume changes the fabric of space around it in odd ways.
The verb in the second sentence of (10a) is active, but the passage flows better when it's passive:
10b. New questions about the nature of the universe have been raised by scientists studying black holes in space. A black hole is created passive verb by the collapse of a dead star into a point no larger than a marble. . . .
Readers prefer a subject that is short, concrete, and familiar, even if you must use a passive verb. So choose active or passive, depending on which gives you the right kind of subject: short, concrete, and familiar.
14.1.7 Use First-Person Pronouns Appropriately
Almost everyone has heard the advice to avoid using I or we in academic writing. In fact, opinions differ on this. Some teachers tell students never to use I, because it makes their writing “subjective.” Others encourage using I as a way to make writing more lively and personal.
Most instructors and editors do agree that two uses of I should be avoided in two specific situations:
✵ Insecure writers begin too many sentences with I think or I believe (or their equivalent, In my opinion). Readers assume that you think and believe what you write, so you don't have to say so.
✵ Inexperienced writers too often narrate their research: First, I consulted . . ., Then I examined . . ., and so on. Readers care less about the story of your research than about its results.
But we believe, and most professionals agree, that the first person is appropriate on two occasions. That last sentence illustrates one of them: we believe . . . that the first person . . .
✵ An occasional introductory I (or we) believe can soften the dogmatic edge of a statement. Compare this blunter, less qualified version:
13. But >we believe, and most professionals agree, that the first person is appropriate on two occasions.
The trick is not to hedge so often that you sound uncertain or so rarely that you sound smug. The second occasion depends on the action in the verb:
✵ A first-person I or we is also appropriate as the subject of a verb naming an action unique to you as the writer of your argument:
14. In this report, I will show that social distinctions at this university are . . .
Verbs referring to such actions typically appear in introductions: I will show/ argue/prove/claim that X, and in conclusions: I have demonstrated/concluded/ . . . Since only you can show, prove, or claim what's in your argument, only you can say so with I.
On the other hand, researchers rarely use the first person for an action that others must repeat to replicate the reported research. Those words include divide, measure, weigh, examine, and so on. Researchers rarely write sentences with active verbs like this:
15a. I calculated the coefficient of X.
Instead, they're likely to write in the passive, because anyone can repeat this calculation:
15b. The coefficient of X was calculated.
Those same principles apply to we, if you're one of two or more authors. But many instructors and editors do object to two other uses of we:
✵ the royal we used to refer reflexively to the writer
✵ the all-purpose we that refers to people in general
Not this:
16. We must be careful to cite sources when we use data from them. When we read writers who fail to do that, we tend to distrust them.
Finally, though, your instructor decides. If he flatly forbids I or we, then so be it.
QUICK TIP
Read Drafts Aloud
You can best judge how your readers will respond to your writing if you read it aloud—or better, have someone read it back to you. If that person stumbles or seems to drone, you can bet your readers will like your prose less than you do.