HBR Guide to Better Business Writing - Bryan A. Garner 2013

Business letters
Common forms of business writing

Business letters aren’t a quaint thing of the past. They’re necessary in all sorts of situations—from correcting a vendor’s error to recommending a job candidate to announcing a new service. Effective ones can increase your profitability—by getting key customers to renew large orders, for example, or persuading service providers to charge you less for repeat business. They can also create goodwill, which may eventually yield financial returns.

The pointers in this chapter will help you get those kinds of results.

Use direct, personal language

You see canned phrases like enclosed please find and as per all the time in letters. They’re high-sounding but low-performing. Your letters will be much clearer and more engaging without them.

TIPS FOR WRITING CLEAR, PERSUASIVE LETTERS

✵ Focus on the reader. Try not to begin with the word I; make it you, if possible (“You were so kind to... ,” “You might be interested... ,” etc.). Keep your recipient in the forefront because—let’s face it—that’s what will hold the reader’s interest. Not: “I just thought I’d drop you a note to say that I really enjoyed my time as your guest last week.” But instead: “What a wonderful host you were last week.”

✵ Say something that matters. Make your message pointed but substantive—not just airy filler. Not: “I trust this finds you prospering in business, thriving in your personal life, and continuing to seek the wisdom that will bring lasting satisfaction in all your dealings.” But instead: “I hope you and your family and friends all dodged the fires last week in Maniton Springs— which sounded devastating.”

✵ Avoid hedging and equivocating. Not: “It is with regret that we acknowledge that we do not appear at this time to be in a position to extend an offer of employment.” But instead: “We’re sorry to say that we aren’t now hiring.”

People often overwrite their letters—studding their language with stiff, wordy expressions—when they’re uncomfortable with the message. Consider the difference between the two examples that follow. The first letter is a greeting to customers from a hotel manager; the second is my revision.

NOT THIS:

Dear Valued Guest:

Welcome to the Milford Hotel Santa Clara. We are delighted that you have selected our hotel during the time when you will be here in the Silicon Valley area. Our staff is ready to assist you in any way and ensure that your stay here is an enjoyable and excellent one in every way.

During your time here at the Milford Hotel Santa Clara, we would like to inform you that the hotel is installing new toilet facilities in all guest rooms. This project will begin on Tuesday, May 8 until Tuesday, May 29. The project engineers will begin at 9:00 a.m. and conclude for the day at 5:30 p.m. The team of associates will begin work on the 14th floor and will work in descending order until completion. During these hours, you may see the new or old toilets in the guest room corridors during the exchange process, and we will ensure that a high level of cleanliness standards will be upheld. We think you’ll soon appreciate fresh toilet seats. Should you be in your guest room during the toilet exchange and/or wish not to be disturbed, we recommend that you please utilize your Do Not Disturb sign by placing it on the handle of your guest room door.

The vending area should remain sanitary, so feel free to have a candy bar or beverage of your preference. For your convenience, there are safes located in the bottom nightstand drawer in your guest room to safely store your valuables. There may also be available to you utilization of our safe deposit boxes located at the Front Desk.

We appreciate your cooperation and understanding while we continue to improve the delivery system and appearance of our guest room product. Our goal is to minimize any inconvenience related to the toilet-exchange project. Please contact our Manager on Duty should you have any questions or concerns. Once again, please be assured of our utmost devotion to the total quality of your stay within the confines of the Milford Hotel Santa Clara. On behalf of myself and all the other management personnel and staff of employees here, we wish to reiterate our thanks for your selection and confidence that each and every factor of your stay here will be more than satisfactory.

Sincerely,

[386 words]

BUT THIS:

Dear Valued Guest:

Welcome to the Milford Hotel Santa Clara. We’re delighted you’re staying here, and we’re ready to help make your stay both enjoyable and productive.

This month, we’re renovating the bathrooms, starting with the 14th floor and working our way down. Although you may have occasion to see or hear workers (during the day), we’re striving to minimize disruptions.

Always feel free to use your “Do Not Disturb” sign while you’re in your room to ensure that our staff will respect your privacy. And if the renovations ever become a nuisance, please call me (extension 4505): I’ll see what I can do. The renovations are but one example of our commitment to providing first-rate lodging.

Thank you again for joining us.

Sincerely,

[125 words]

The original is verbose (guest room product), perversely repetitious (the word toilet appears five times), hyperbolic (excellent... in every way), bureaucratic-sounding (there may also be available to you utilization), unpleasantly vivid (you may see the new or old toilets), and even gross (have a candy bar right after you may see the new or old toilets). It seems destined to arouse ill-feeling and to drive away customers who bother to read it. The revised version, by contrast, conveys warmth and consideration with its “you” focus.

Start fast, and say what you need to say in the simplest way you can. Think of Olympic diving: neatly in, no splash, soon out. And if you’re writing on behalf of your firm, use we. It’s much warmer and friendlier than the passive voice (It has been decided vs. We have decided) or the impersonal third person (this organization vs. we). Consider the difference:

In the left-hand example, passive voice (is delighted) and repetition of the organization’s name (it appears in every sentence) put distance between the writer and the reader. They make the communication sound like a commercial or promotion. But the yous and wes in the version on the right create a sense ofbelonging, a personal connection.

Motivate readers to act

Business letters get results when they meet readers’ needs. To get people to do something, give them reasons they’ll care about.

Consider one of the most challenging kinds of letters to write: a fund-raising appeal for a nonprofit group. The key is to understand why people give money to charitable organizations. Although marketers often cite seven “fundamental motivators” to explain responses—fear, guilt, exclusivity, greed, anger, salvation, and flattery—the reality is a bit more nuanced. Some combination of eight major reasons might motivate donors to send money in response to your appeal:

✵ They believe their gifts will make a difference.

✵ They believe in the value of organizations like yours.

✵ They will receive favorable recognition for the gift.

✵ They will be associated with a famous or respected person.

✵ They will enhance their sense of belonging to a worthy group.

✵ They will be able to relieve emotional burdens such as fear and guilt.

✵ They feel a sense of duty.

✵ They will receive tax benefits.

Certain principles follow from these reasons for giving. A successful fund-raising letter must (1) appeal directly from one person to another; (2) depict an opportunity for the recipient to satisfy personal needs by supporting a worthwhile aim; and (3) prompt the recipient to take a specific, decisive action. (These principles apply to other types of business letters as well.)

Note how all this theory plays out in an actual fundraising letter:

Dear Marion:

May I count you in as a table sponsor at the Annual Dinner of the Tascosa Children’s Home of North Texas? Your sponsorship will pay a month’s room and board for one of the 50 orphaned teenagers that we care for.

The event will be held at 6:00 p.m. on July 1 at Snowdon Country Club, and the emcee will be the nationally syndicated television host Spooner Hudson— our longtime national spokesperson. Celebrity chef Margrit Lafleur promises to serve up one of his memorable dinners, and the wines will be personally selected by master sommelier Peter Brunswick. Most excitingly, two mystery guests from Beverly Hills will be there that evening—among the best-known philanthropists in the world.

As a table sponsor, you’ll be credited as one of our Patron Angels—and, believe me, the tangible gratitude of our kids will bring you the lasting satisfaction that you have vastly improved their lives and well-being. Our kids are reachable and teachable, but only through the generosity of our community’s philanthropic leaders.

Many people, of course, can’t help us in our mission. We count on our Patron Angels. I hope you’ll spend a few minutes browsing through the Home’s brochure (enclosed) and that you’ll fill out the card committing to fill ten seats at your table (a $1,500 tax-deductible gift).

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Now look again at the bulleted list that precedes the letter to Marion (our fictitious recipient): The writer deals with every item on the list. With a letter like that, you can hope to elicit prompt action from an acceptable percentage of recipients.

Ease into bad news

If you have a rejection to deliver in your letter, sandwich it between happier elements. Don’t start with a direct “no.” Your readers can bear disappointment more easily if you begin on a genuine positive note and then explain the reason for the negative decision. They’ll also be more likely to grant your wishes—make a purchase, sign up for your webinar, renew a membership—despite your denying theirs.

Recipients of bad news will probably be unhappy no matter what. But to some extent you can control just how unhappy they’ll be. Some tips:

✵ Adopt the reader’s perspective—and be your best self. If your correspondent is rude, be polite; if anxious, be sympathetic; if confused, be lucid; if stubborn, be patient; if helpful, show gratitude; if accusatory, be reasonable and just in admitting any faults.

✵ Answer questions directly.

✵ Don’t overexplain. Say only as much as necessary to get your point across.

✵ Put things in the simplest possible terms—never use “insider talk” or bizspeak.

✵ Use the voice of a thoughtful human being, not a robot.

Even if your letter grants a benefit or request, it may irk the recipient if it does so in a way that puzzles, sounds grudging, or seems indifferent to the reader’s predicament.

ENCLOSED PLEASE FIND

See what business-writing authors have long said about this wooden phrase and others like it:

Richard Grant White (1880): “[Please find enclosed:] A more ridiculous use of words, it seems to me, there could not be.”

Sherwin Cody (1908): “All stereotyped words [that] are not used in talking should be avoided in letter writing. There is an idea that a certain peculiar commercial jargon is appropriate in business letters. The fact is, nothing injures business more than this system of words found only in business letters. The test of a word or phrase or method of expression should be, ’Is it what I would say to my customer if I were talking to him instead of writing to him?’”

Wallace E. Bartholomew & Floyd Hurlbut (1924): “Inclosed herewith please find. Inclosed and herewith mean the same thing. How foolish to tell your reader twice exactly where the check is, and then to suggest that he look around to see if he can find it anywhere. Say, ’We are inclosing our check for $25.50.’”

A. Charles Babenroth (1942): “Enclosed please find. Needless and faulty phraseology. The word please has little meaning in this instance, and the word find is improperly used. poor: Enclosed please find sample of our #1939 black elastic ribbon. better: We are enclosing (or We enclose) a sample of our #1939 black elastic ribbon.”

L. E. Frailey (1965): “So much for the worn-out, hackneyed expressions [enclosed herewith, enclosed please find, herewith please find] so often seen in business letters—whiskers, rubber-stamps, chestnuts, call them what you please. They are sleeping pills [that] defeat the aim of making every letter a warm, personal contact with the reader.”

Gerald J. Alred, Charles T. Brusaw, & Walter E. Oliu (1993): “Using unnecessarily formal words (such as herewith) and outdated phrases (such as please find enclosed) is another cause of affectation.”

Kelly Cannon (2004): “[I]n any business letter, certain principles are universal. ’Inure to the benefit of’ is four words too long, ’enclosed please find’ sounds pompous and silly, and ’I am writing this letter to inform you that... is a thoughtless statement of the obvious.”

Don’t write in anger

Be kind and diplomatic, and say please and thank you. Courtesy is necessary to all business transactions—even letters of complaint. Omit it, and you’ll be dismissed as a crank. You can be courteous while still being direct.

As you can see, a combative, superior tone irritates and alienates the reader—and probably loses a customer. A more diplomatic approach still gets the point across (rush jobs always take a hit on quality), but without souring the relationship.

When you receive unreasonable letters, don’t ever respond in kind. That just starts a negative chain reaction. Approach complaints with a dedication to first-rate service. Write with the same warmth and friendliness you’d use in face-to-face conversations. If you or your company made a mistake, avoid the temptation to ignore it, cover it up, or shift the blame. Instead of deceiving readers, you’ll provoke more ire. When you blunder, admit error and say what you’ve done (or will be doing) to correct it. Stress the desire to improve service.

Recap

✵ Keep your language simple, personal, and direct. Avoid canned phrases that add little but pomposity and verbiage to your letter.

✵ Motivate your readers to act on your letter by giving them reasons that matter to them.

✵ When conveying bad news, soften the blow by opening on a positive note. Follow up by explaining the reason for the unfavorable outcome— without overexplaining.

✵ Consider the reader: Be polite, sympathetic, and professional.

✵ Remain courteous and diplomatic. Accept responsibility for any mistakes you may have made.