Focus on the first seven or eight words of a sentence - Revising sentences - Research and writing

A manual for writers of research papers, theses, and dissertations, Ninth edition - Kate L. Turabian 2018

Focus on the first seven or eight words of a sentence
Revising sentences
Research and writing

11.1 Focus on the First Seven or Eight Words of a Sentence

11.1.1 Get to the Subject of Your Sentence Quickly

11.1.2 Make Subjects Short and Concrete

11.1.3 Avoid Separating Subjects and Verbs with More than a Word or Two

11.1.4 Put Key Actions in Verbs, Not in Nouns

11.1.5 Put Information Familiar to Readers at the Beginning of a Sentence, New Information at the End

11.1.6 Choose Active or Passive Verbs to Reflect the Previous Principles

11.1.7 Use First-Person Pronouns Appropriately

11.2 Diagnose What You Read

11.3 Choose the Right Word

11.4 Polish It Up

11.5 Give It Up and Turn It In

Your final task is to make your writing as understandable as you can for your readers, for it is their judgment of your ideas—as you have expressed them in your writing—that matters most. Readable writing, of course, depends on more than clear sentences, but clear sentences will go a long way toward making your writing readable. In this chapter, therefore, we offer some advice on how to revise your sentences so that readers will find them clear.

Sometimes you will know your writing is awkward, especially if you’re writing about an unfamiliar and complex topic for intimidating readers. Other times, though, you may overestimate your writing, thinking it clear when your readers won’t. You need a way to revise sentences in both of these situations: to revise those you know need help and, even more, to identify and improve those that you think are fine but that readers might not.

We can’t tell you how to fix every problem in every sentence, but we can tell you how to deal with those that most often afflict writers who, in struggling to sound like “serious scholars,” end up sounding merely pretentious. Here is a short example:

1a. A better understanding of student learning could achieve improvement in teaching effectiveness.

However impressive that sounds, the student who wrote it meant only this:

1b. If we better understood how students learn, we could teach them more effectively.

To diagnose 1a and revise it into 1b, you must know a few grammatical terms: noun, verb, active verb, passive verb, whole subject, simple subject, main clause, subordinate clause. If they’re only a dim memory, skim a grammar guide before you go on.

11.1 Focus on the First Seven or Eight Words of a Sentence

Just as the key to a clearly written paper, section, or paragraph is in its first few sentences, so the key to a clearly written sentence is in its first few words. When readers grasp those first seven or eight words easily, they read what follows faster, understand it better, and remember it longer. It is the difference between these two sentences:

2a. The United Nations’ insistence on acceptance by all nations of the principles of equal rights and self-determination of peoples is a product of its recognition that maintenance of stability in the world order requires that nations be guided by values beyond narrow self-interest.

2b. The United Nations insists that all nations accept the principles of equal rights and self-determination of peoples, because it recognizes that maintaining a stable world order requires that nations be guided by values beyond narrow self-interest.

To write a sentence like 2b, or to revise one like 2a into 2b, follow these seven principles:

✵ ▪ Get to the subject of your sentence quickly; begin sentences with long phrases and clauses only occasionally.

✵ ▪ Make subjects short and concrete, ideally naming the character that performs the action expressed by the verb that follows.

✵ ▪ Avoid separating the subject and verb with more than a word or two.

✵ ▪ Put key actions in verbs, not in nouns.

✵ ▪ Put information familiar to readers at the beginning of a sentence, new information at the end.

✵ ▪ Choose an active or passive verb based on which lets you best apply the preceding principles.

✵ ▪ Use first-person pronouns appropriately.

Those principles are not inviolable rules but guidelines you can rely on to communicate clearly with your readers. They add up to this: readers want to get past a short, concrete, familiar subject quickly and to a verb expressing a specific action. When a sentence lets them do that, the rest of the sentence will usually take care of itself. To diagnose your own writing, skim the first seven or eight words of every sentence. Look for sentences in which you don’t follow our seven principles, and then revise them as follows.

11.1.1 Get to the Subject of Your Sentence Quickly

Compare these two sentences (introductory phrases are boldfaced, whole subjects italicized):

3a. In view of claims by researchers on higher education indicating at least one change by most undergraduate students of their major field of study, first-year students may need better guidance when they choose a major.

3b. Researchers on higher education claim that most students change their major field of study at least once during their undergraduate career. If that is so, then first-year students may need better guidance when they choose a major.

Most readers find 3a harder to read than 3b, because it makes them work through a twenty-four-word phrase before they reach its subject (first-year students). In the two sentences in 3b, readers immediately start with the subject (Researchers on higher education) or reach it after a very short clause (If that is so).

The principle is this: start most of your sentences directly with their whole subjects. Begin only a few sentences with introductory phrases or clauses longer than ten or so words. You can usually revise long introductory phrases and subordinate clauses into separate independent sentences, as in 3b.

11.1.2 Make Subjects Short and Concrete

Readers must grasp the subject of a sentence easily, but they can’t when the subject is long, complex, and abstract. Compare these two sentences (the whole subject in each is italicized; the one-word simple subject is boldfaced):

4a. A school system’s successful adoption of a new reading curriculum for its elementary schools depends on the demonstration in each school of the commitment of its principal and the cooperation of teachers in setting reasonable goals.

4b. A school system will adopt a new reading curriculum for elementary schools successfully only when each principal demonstrates that she is committed to it and teachers cooperate to set reasonable goals.

In 4a, the whole subject is fourteen words long, and its simple subject is an abstraction—adoption. In 4b, the clearer version, the whole subject of every verb is short, and each simple subject is relatively concrete: school system, each principal, she, teachers. Moreover, each of those subjects performs the action in its verb: system will adopt, principal demonstrates, she is committed, teachers cooperate.

The principle is this: readers tend to judge a sentence readable when the subject of its verb names the main character in a few concrete words, ideally a character that is also the “doer” of the action expressed by the verb that follows.

But there’s a complication. We are not saying that to be clear you must write only about people and concrete things. In fact, writers often tell clear stories about abstract characters:

5. No skill is more valued in the professional world than problem solving. The ability to solve problems quickly requires us to frame situations in different ways and to find more than one solution. In fact, effective problem solving may define general intelligence.

Few readers have trouble with those abstract subjects, because they’re short and familiar: no skill, the ability to solve problems quickly, and effective problem solving. What gives readers trouble is an abstract subject that is long and unfamiliar.

To fix sentences with long, abstract subjects, revise in three steps:

✵ ▪ Identify the main character in the sentence.

✵ ▪ Find its key action, and if that is buried in an abstract noun, make it a verb.

✵ ▪ Make the main character the subject of that new verb.

For example, compare 6a and 6b (actions are boldfaced; verbs are capitalized):

6a. Without a means for analyzing interactions between social class and education in regard to the creation of job opportunities, success in understanding economic mobility will REMAIN limited.

6b. Economists do not entirely UNDERSTAND economic mobility, because they cannot ANALYZE how social class and education INTERACT to CREATE job opportunities.

In both sentences the main character is economists, but in 6a that character isn’t the subject of any verb; in fact, it’s not in the sentence at all: we must infer it from actions buried in nouns—analyzing and understanding (what economists do). We revise 6a into 6b by making the main characters, economists, social class, and education, subjects of the explicit verbs understand, analyze, interact, and create.

Readers want subjects to name the main characters in your story, ideally flesh-and-blood characters, and specific verbs to name their key actions.

11.1.3 Avoid Separating Subjects and Verbs with More than a Word or Two

Once past a short subject, readers want to get to a verb quickly, so avoid splitting a verb from its subject with long phrases and clauses:

7a. Some economists, because they write in a style that is impersonal and objective, do not communicate with laypeople easily.

In 7a, the because clause separates the subject some economists from the verb do not communicate, forcing us to mentally suspend our breath. To revise, move the interrupting clause to the beginning or end of its sentence, depending on whether it connects more closely to the sentence before or the one after. When in doubt, put it at the end (for more on this, see 11.1.5).

7b. Because some economists write in a style that is impersonal and objective, they do not communicate with laypeople easily. This inability to communicate . . .

7c. Some economists do not communicate with laypeople easily because they write in a style that is impersonal and objective. They use passive verbs and . . .

Readers manage short interruptions more easily:

8. Few economists deliberately write in a style that is impersonal and objective.

11.1.4 Put Key Actions in Verbs, Not in Nouns

Readers want to get to a verb quickly, but they also want that verb to express a key action. So avoid using an empty verb such as have, do, make, or be to introduce an action buried in an abstract noun. Make the noun a verb.

Compare these two sentences (nouns naming actions are boldfaced; verbs naming actions are capitalized; verbs expressing little action are italicized):

9a. During the early years of the First World War, the Great Powers’ attempt at enlisting the United States on their side was met with failure.

9b. During the early years of the First World War, the Great Powers ATTEMPTED to ENLIST the United States on their side but FAILED.

In 9a, three important actions aren’t verbs but nouns: attempt, enlisting, failure. Sentence 9b seems more direct because it expresses those actions in verbs: attempted, enlist, failed.

11.1.5 Put Information Familiar to Readers at the Beginning of a Sentence, New Information at the End

Readers understand a sentence most readily when they grasp its subject easily, and the easiest subject to grasp is not just short and concrete but also familiar. Compare how the second sentence in each of the following passages does or doesn’t contribute to a sense of “flow”:

10a. New insights into global weather patterns are emerging from recent research on the large low-pressure zones rotating above the Earth’s poles, known as the polar vortices. Environmental changes that are leading temperatures at the poles to rise, this research suggests, are affecting the vortices. These temperature increases cause the vortices to deviate toward the equator, bringing with them the frigid air responsible for our recent colder winters.

10b. New insights into global weather patterns are emerging from recent research on the large low-pressure zones rotating above the Earth’s poles, known as the polar vortices. The vortices, this research suggests, are being affected by environmental changes that are leading temperatures at the poles to rise. These temperature increases cause the vortices to deviate toward the equator, bringing with them the frigid air responsible for our recent colder winters.

Most readers think 10b flows better than 10a, partly because the subject of the second sentence, The vortices, is shorter than the longer subject of 10a: Environmental changes that are leading temperatures at the poles to rise. But 10b also flows better because the order of its ideas is different.

In 10a, the first words of the second sentence express new information:

10a . . . the polar vortices. Environmental changes that are leading temperatures at the poles to rise . . .

Those words about rising temperatures seem to come out of nowhere. But in 10b, the first words echo the end of the previous sentence:

10b . . . the polar vortices. The vortices . . .

Moreover, once we make that change, the end of that second sentence introduces the third more cohesively:

10b . . . leading temperatures at the poles to rise. These temperature increases . . .

Contrast 10a; the end of its second sentence doesn’t flow into the beginning of the third as smoothly:

10a. . . . the vortices. These temperature increases . . .

That is why readers think that passage 10a feels choppier than 10b: the end of one sentence does not flow smoothly into the beginning of the next.

The corollary of the old-information-first principle is to put new information last, especially new technical terms. So when you introduce a new term, put it at the end of its sentence. Compare these:

11a. Calcium blockers can control muscle spasms. Sarcomeres are the small units of muscle fibers in which these drugs work. Two filaments, one thick and one thin, are in each sarcomere. The proteins actin and myosin are contained in the thin filament. When actin and myosin interact, your heart contracts.

11b. Muscle spasms can be controlled with drugs known as calcium blockers. They work in small units of muscle fibers called sarcomeres. Each sarcomere has two filaments, one thick and one thin. The thin filament contains two proteins, actin and myosin. When actin and myosin interact, your heart contracts.

In 11a, the new technical terms are calcium blockers, sarcomeres, filaments, the proteins actin and myosin, but they first appear early in their sentences. In contrast, in 11b those new terms first appear toward the ends of their sentences. After that, they’re old information and so can appear at the beginning of the next sentences.

No principle of writing is more important than this: old before new; familiar information introduces unfamiliar information.

11.1.6 Choose Active or Passive Verbs to Reflect the Preceding Principles

You may recall advice to avoid passive verbs—good advice when a passive verb allows you to write a sentence that contradicts the principles we have discussed, as in the second sentence of this passage:

12a. Climate change may have many catastrophic effects. Tropical diseases and destructive insect life even north of the Canadian border could be increasedpassive verb by it.

That second sentence opens with an eleven-word subject conveying new information: Tropical diseases . . . Canadian border. It is the subject of a passive verb, be increased, and that verb is followed by a short, familiar bit of information from the sentence before: the concept of climate change represented by the pronoun it. That sentence would be clearer if its verb were active:

12b. Climate change may have many catastrophic effects. It could increaseactive verb tropical diseases and destructive insect life even north of the Canadian border.

Now the subject is familiar, and the new information in the longer phrase is at the end. In this case, the active verb is the right choice.

But if you always use active verbs, avoiding passive verbs entirely, you’ll write sentences that contradict the old-new principle. We saw an example in 10a:

10a. New insights into global weather patterns are emerging from recent research on the large low-pressure zones rotating above the Earth’s poles, known as the polar vortices. Environmental changes that are leading temperatures at the poles to rise, this research suggests, are affectingactive verb the vortices.

The verb in the second sentence is active, but the passage flows better when it’s passive:

10b. New insights into global weather patterns are emerging from recent research on the large low-pressure zones rotating above the Earth’s poles, known as the polar vortices. The vortices, this research suggests, are being affectedpassive verb by environmental changes that are leading temperatures at the poles to rise.

A sentence is more readable when its subject is short, concrete, and familiar, regardless of whether its verb is active or passive. So choose active or passive voice by considering which gives you the right kind of subject: short, concrete, and familiar.

11.1.7 Use First-Person Pronouns Appropriately

Almost everyone has heard the advice to avoid using I or we in academic writing. In fact, opinions differ on this point. Some teachers tell students never to use I, because it makes their writing “subjective.” Others encourage using I as a way to make writing more lively and personal.

Most instructors and editors do agree that two uses of I should be avoided:

✵ ▪ Insecure writers begin too many sentences with I think or I believe (or their equivalent, In my opinion). Readers assume that you think and believe what you write, so you don’t have to say you do.

✵ ▪ Inexperienced writers too often narrate their research: First I consulted . . . , then I examined . . . , and so on. Readers care less about the story of your research than about its results (see 6.1).

But we believe, and most editors of scholarly journals agree, that the first person is appropriate on two occasions. That last sentence illustrates one of them: we believe . . . that the first person . . .

✵ ▪ An occasional introductory I (or we) believe can soften the dogmatic edge of a statement. Compare this blunter, less qualified version:

13. But we believe, and most editors of scholarly journals agree, that the first person is appropriate on two occasions.

The trick is not to hedge so often that you sound uncertain or so rarely that you sound smug.

✵ ▪ A first-person I or we is also appropriate when it’s the subject of a verb naming an action unique to you as the writer of your argument. Verbs referring to such actions typically appear in introductions (I will show/argue/prove/claim that X) and in conclusions (I have demonstrated/concluded that Y). Since only you can show, prove, or claim what’s in your argument, only you can say so with I:

14. In this report, I will show that social distinctions at this university are . . .

On the other hand, researchers rarely use the first person for an action that others must repeat to replicate their research. Those words include divide, measure, weigh, examine, and so on. Researchers rarely write sentences with active verbs like this:

15a. I calculated the coefficient of X.

Instead, they’re likely to write in the passive, because anyone can do that:

15b. The coefficient of X was calculated.

Those same principles apply to we, if you’re one of two or more authors. But many instructors and editors object to two other uses of we:

✵ ▪ the royal we used to refer reflexively to the writer

✵ ▪ the all-purpose we that refers to people in general

For example:

16. We must be careful to cite sources when we use data from them. When we read writers who fail to do that, we tend to distrust them.

In the end, though, those having authority decide. If your instructor or editor flatly forbids I or we, then so be it. When you have that authority, you can make a different choice.

Here is a final piece of advice. If you follow our seven principles, your readers will likely find your writing clear. But you can test your writing by having someone read it back to you. If that person stumbles over a passage, you can bet your readers will struggle with it too.