Rules for writers, Tenth edition - Diana Hacker, Nancy Sommers 2021

Do not subordinate excessively
Emphasize key ideas
Clarity

In attempting to avoid short, choppy sentences, writers sometimes go to the opposite extreme, putting more subordinate ideas into a sentence than its structure can bear. If a sentence contains too many ideas, occasionally it can be restructured. More often, however, such sentences must be divided.

EXERCISE 14-4

In each of the following sentences, the idea that the writer wished to emphasize is buried in a subordinate construction. Restructure each sentence so that the independent clause expresses the major idea, as indicated in brackets, and lesser ideas are subordinated. Possible revisions appear in the back of the book.

a. Gina helped the relief effort, distributing food and medical supplies. [Emphasize distributing food and medical supplies.]

b. Janbir spent every Saturday learning tabla drumming, noticing that with each hour of practice his memory for complex patterns was growing stronger. [Emphasize Janbir’s memory.]

c. The rotor hit, gouging a hole about an eighth of an inch deep in my helmet. [Emphasize that the rotor gouged a hole in the helmet.]

d. My grandfather, who raised his daughters the old-fashioned way, was born eighty years ago in Puerto Rico. [Emphasize how the grandfather raised his daughters.]

e. The Narcan reversed the depressive effect of the drug, saving the patient’s life. [Emphasize that the patient’s life was saved.]