Write Right - Jan Venolia 2001

Style
The craft of writing

To make our words count for as much as possible is surely the simplest as well as the hardest secret of style.

—Wilson Follett

The word style means everything from conventions of punctuation and capitalization to how written words convey the writer’s personality. I use the term in this chapter to suggest ways to make writing readable and ideas clear.

First, let’s take a look at the style that dominates the Internet. With its emphasis on speed and up-to-the-minute currency, online style is the ultimate insider’s jargon. Rather than make their writing accessible to the masses, online stylists use language as a gatekeeper: “If you’re one of us, you’ll be able to handle it,” seems to be their view.

But even within this in-your-face, elitist approach, a set of commandments has evolved. These rules embrace the irreverent and the colloquial. They encourage the use of initialisms (FWIW, B2B, LOL) and the creation of imaginative new words: microserfs (Microsoft employees), infobahn (the information superhighway), and digerati (the digital elite).

Online style is beyond the scope of this book. If you work or study within its sphere of influence, you should probably become familiar with the rules enunciated on Web sites and in books on the subject. (See Bibliography.)

Think before you write

Writing proceeds more smoothly if you pause before plunging in.

✵ What do you want to say?

✵ Who will read it?

Keep coming back to those two elements (message and audience) as you write. Ask yourself if readers will grasp what you’ve written.

It’s impossible for a muddy thinker to write good English.—William Zinsser

“Think of it as elevator talk.” That’s the advice given to Stanford students learning to write about their work. Someone in an elevator asks what your research is about, and you have to respond in the time it takes to go from the lobby to the fifth floor.

This approach changed one student’s paper from “Investigating Cytoskeletal Dynamics in the Development of Epithelial Cell Polarity” into “How Do Cells Know Up from Down?”

Dense, awkward writing detracts from what you want to convey. Confusing writing bogs readers down. Clear, concise writing, on the other hand, speeds readers along.

Omit unnecessary words

If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out.—George Orwell

This rule is increasingly important because word processors encourage verbosity. However, the technology that spreads the disease also provides the cure; revising on a word processor is relatively simple.

Impressive writing doesn’t come from long words strung together in convoluted sentences. Writing that’s hard to understand is just poorly written, not profound.

Wordy: Our proposal follows the sequential itemization of points occurring elsewhere in your Request for Proposal, wherever possible, to facilitate your review.

Translation: We will follow your outline.

Redundancy and sloppy usage are widespread (see the list of redundant expressions on this page). “General consensus of opinion” uses four words where only one is correct (consensus means collective opinion or general agreement). “Close proximity” is one word too many, since proximity means close to. Watch for repetitions in acronyms as well. Write “SAT,” not “SAT test,” and “ATM,” not “ATM machine.” The V in HIV stands for virus; the non-redundant phrase is “AIDS virus.”

The equivalent of junk food for the writer is redundancy, and the job of the editor is to count calories and impose diets.

—Bruce O. Boston

Redundant expressions

Think about the meaning of a word. Unanimous means having agreement and consent of all; what is added by writing completely unanimous? Clutter. How about the ubiquitous free gift. Is there any other kind?

Wordy: She estimated attendance at around 500.

Better: She estimated attendance at 500.

Wordy: Chances are that you have probably heard of …

Better: Chances are that you have heard of … or You have probably heard of …

Wherever we can make twenty-five words do the work of fifty, we halve the area in which looseness and disorganization can flourish.

—Wilson Follett

To make twenty-five words do the work of fifty, cut the unnecessary words. Avoid the following redundancies:

✵ The word rather in a sentence with another comparative

Wordy: It would be safer to destroy the chemicals rather than to store them.

Better: It would be safer to destroy the chemicals than to store them.

✵ Leisurely openers such as There is, There are, and It is significant to note that

Wordy: There is some evidence that suggests …

Better: Some evidence suggests …

✵ As well as when used with both

Wordy: The press release was mailed both to employees as well as shareholders.

Better: The press release was mailed both to employees and to shareholders.

Trim wordy expressions.

The best cure for wordiness is to revise. Then go back and revise again. Edit once strictly for spare words. When you think you have pruned every one, look again to see if you missed any. Sometimes when you’ve stripped a sentence of its padding, you discover that the whole sentence is devoid of ideas and thus expendable.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I ever met.

—Abraham Lincoln

Use simple words

Why write “facilitate his departure” when you can write “help him leave”? Does functionality mean anything other than function? Specific outcomes and objectives are probably goals. Avoid fancy words and phrases when simpler, more direct ones convey the idea.

Stilted: Per our aforementioned discussion, I am herewith enclosing a copy of …

Simple: As promised, here is a copy of …

Poor: I’ll contact you to finalize the agreement.

Better: I’ll call at your office to sign the contract.

If the following words appear often in your writing, replace them with their simpler counterparts.

Shortening a passage isn’t merely a matter of taking words away, but of making sure the remaining words are the right ones—words that do enough work to earn their keep.—Jack Lynch

Write with strong verbs and in the active voice

Strong verbs “earn their keep.” Pass up colorless verbs in favor of lively ones.

The difference between active and passive voice is the difference between Karen read the report and The report was read by Karen. In the active voice, the subject acts (Karen read) instead of being acted upon (The report was read by …). The passive voice is wordy and lacks the vigor of the active voice. Changing a sentence from passive to active usually improves it.

Passive: Hazardous chemicals should never be poured into the sink.

Active: Never pour hazardous chemicals into the sink.

Passive: The collision was witnessed by a pedestrian.

Active: A pedestrian saw the collision.

Use the passive voice in the following situations:

✵ When the thing acted upon is more important than the person performing the action

The meeting was canceled.

✵ In technical material

The test apparatus was divided into two zones.

✵ Where anonymity of those performing the action is appropriate or unavoidable

The information was leaked to the press.

Choose the right “Person” for your audience

A decision that’s closely related to active or passive voice is whether to write in the first person (I, we) or the more impersonal third person (he, she, they). And should you address the reader as “you” (second person)?

These questions don’t have one-response-fits-all answers. In its favor, first-person writing encourages use of the active voice and avoids awkward substitutes for I (such as the author). Third-person writing puts the writer in the background, which may be appropriate in certain writing; it also avoids being overly familiar.

Readers of scientific or technical writing, where the emphasis is on results, tend to expect an impersonal third-person approach. First-person writing may deflect the reader’s attention from the message to the messenger.

Other kinds of writing may call for the more friendly, human tone of first-person writing. This book is an example of first- and second-person writing. What I present is my advice, and I’m talking to you! Let the nature of the writing and of the audience determine your choice.

Use a positive form

Stating things positively starts the reader on the right foot. Watch for the word not and see if you can restate the idea more effectively.

Negative: He often did not arrive on time.

Positive: He often arrived late.

Negative: The witness did not speak during the inquest.

Positive: The witness was silent during the inquest.

Try replacing a word or phrase plus not with its antonym.

Reserve the negative form for those instances where it produces the desired effect.

Of all noises, I think music is the least disagreeable.—Samuel Johnson

I have always been in a condition in which I cannot not write.—Barbara Tuchman

Be specific and concrete

Use examples to bring abstract ideas down to earth.

Abstract: The equipment malfunctioned.

Concrete: The camera failed to expose any film.

Abstract: The new health and family programs improved employee performance.

Concrete: Absenteeism was reduced by 40 percent when the company built an employee gym and offered child-care services.

Wherever possible, replace abstract words with concrete ones. Help readers visualize what you’re writing about.

Vary your sentences

Use sentences of different lengths and types to retain reader interest and to provide relief from monotonous declarative sentences. Open with one of the following:

✵ With a subordinate clause

If you want to be a writer, don’t listen to any advice given by writers.—Jon Scieszka

When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.—Chinese proverb

✵ With an infinitive

To get profit without risk, experience without danger, and reward without work is as impossible as it is to live without being born.—A. P. Gouthey

✵ With a participial phrase

Thrusting my nose firmly between his teeth, I threw him heavily to the ground on top of me.—Mark Twain

✵ With a preposition

Behind the phony tinsel of Hollywood lies the real tinsel.—Oscar Levant

Notice the rhythm of what you have written. Is it choppy, lively, flowing? Listen to the sound of the words—are there any awkward neighbors like Our products produced … or prevention intervention? Use rhythm, flow, and contrast to make language and meaning harmonious. Read what you have written out loud; you will discover awkward passages and places where punctuation is needed.

Use intensifiers with care

We sometimes rely on the word very to convey a strong emotion or lean on words like incredible or unbelievable to describe a powerful experience. Such words signal sloppy writing—and sloppy thinking. Indeed, intensifier-heavy writing may actually weaken the emotion you wish to convey.

Poor: His contribution was very critical.

Better: His contribution was critical.

Absolute words such as unique and final stand by themselves; you do not make them more emphatic by adding the word very. If a word seems weak without very, use another word that doesn’t require such buttressing.

If you write that something was “incredible,” you probably mean that it was amazing or top-notch, not that it was unthinkable or not to be believed. From its origin as a word meaning not to be believed, incredible has strayed far afield. It’s now loosely used to express amazement—even admiration—rather than skepticism. With a little thought or a look in your thesaurus, you can find a word that comes closer to your meaning.

To describe the extraordinary, focus on what makes it so. Steer clear of words that say what it isn’t in favor of words that say what it is.

Appeal to the senses: how the salsa nips the tongue or the modern concerto assaults the ears. Allow its distinguishing features to evoke an image.

In autumn, rains return and with them silky verdant grasses, nothing like the color of spring, but a lush, rampant green that makes you understand the urge horses must have to graze. When the trees begin to splatter yellow, russet, bronze, and scarlet over the slopes, the air sharpens to a noon clarity that outlines every leaf.

I wish I could limn the autumn sunsets. Words sound too exaggerated because a literal shower of gold seems to fall over the valley, as if in a myth, forming a veil between me, with my feet on the solid ground, and the glob of live lava sinking in the western distance. The sky goes wild with colors—opal, saffron, dusty blue, copper, ash, blood.… I hesitate to go on about sunset, that hackneyed oil painting. If only the townspeople would gather at the Porta Colonia parking lot looking out over the valley and give a standing ovation. (Frances Mayes, In Tuscany)

Not an incredible in the whole passage.

There are legitimate uses of words that express incredulity. If you want to cast doubt on the integrity of a witness or the results of an experiment, you might write about the incredible testimony or unbelievable results. Legitimate uses of the word very also exist, though none come to me at the moment. But do take the time to figure out what you want to say, and choose words that will help you say it.

Edit for bias

Bias-free language avoids possible offense by substituting alternative terminology. Here are a few guidelines to remove bias from your writing without resorting to awkward wording.

✵ Do not mention race, gender, age, or disability unless it is pertinent.

✵ Avoid stereotypes and labels.

✵ Give parallel treatment (Mr. Waxman and Ms. Stone, not Mr. Waxman and Linda).

✵ Find substitutes for words that may be considered insensitive or confusing, such as masculine pronouns. (See this page.)

More detailed suggestions for avoiding bias are presented in two of my books, Better Letters and Rewrite Right! (see the bibliography).

Become your reader

I don’t think it ever hurts the writer to sort of stand back now and then and look at his stuff as if he were reading it instead of writing it.—James Jones

Have you brought readers along, step by step? If you present too much information too quickly, readers balk. Build on common ground, on a premise that everyone understands. Proceed from there with digestible bits.

Here’s how one writer tackled a difficult subject:

It was about elementary arithmetic, to begin with, and it was not until the second chapter that I as much as got into Arabic numerals, and not until the fourth chapter that I got to fractions. However, by the end of the book I was talking about imaginary numbers, hyperimaginary numbers, and transfinite numbers—and that was the real purpose of the book. In going from counting to transfinites, I followed such a careful and gradual plan that it never stopped seeming easy. (Isaac Asimov, Opus 100)

Revisit the questions you asked yourself when starting to write. Have you said what you wanted to say? Did you use as few words as possible? Will your readers still be with you at the end? If your answers are all positive, congratulate yourself on a job well done.