7 Steps to Better Writing - Charles Maxwell 2020
Subordinate less important details
Step 6 – Revise
Successful business and technical writing requires communicating a lot of facts. Doctors, lawyers, engineers, scientists, accountants, analysts, and sales people need to convey abundant, detailed information. This section shows how to provide details without overwhelming readers.
In the same way that an artist creates depth perception by painting close objects larger and in greater detail than similar objects that are farther away, good writers emphasize some details more than others. This creation of perspective holds true at the document level and continues down to the sentence level. Creating this hierarchy of sentence elements is call subordination.
Use clauses to subordinate less important facts
One method to subordinate less important facts is to place less important ideas in dependent phrases. The following conjunctions often signal subordinate clauses: after, although, as, because, before, how, if, since, so, unless, until, when, where, while, why. Pronouns that can function to create subordinate clauses include: that, what, which, who. Both conjunctions and subordinating pronouns signal sentence structure, and in this way, they guide the reader.
Here are examples of subordination.
Poor: No Subordinate Clauses |
|
- |
A schedule for the postponed startup of the new equipment is a concern of the members of the board due to the potential to weaken profits by reducing throughput. |
Better: Subordinate Clauses Used |
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+ |
A schedule that postpones startup of the new equipment is a concern of members of the board, since the reduced throughput will weaken profits. |
+ |
The members of the board are concerned a schedule that postpones startup of the new equipment will weaken profits, because this will reduce throughput. |
Poor: No Subordinate Clauses |
|
- |
The need at the company for more space caused by steady growth in staff and more computer equipment required a request by management for an addition to the office. |
Better: Subordinate Clauses Used |
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+ |
Management requested an office expansion, because steady staff growth and additional computer equipment had outstripped available space. |
Note the large number of prepositions in the sentences that lack subordinate clauses and the fewer number of prepositions in the rewrites that include subordination.
Poor: No Subordinate Clauses and Many Prepositions |
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- |
A schedule for the postponed startup of the new equipment is a concern of the members of the board due to the potential to weaken profits by reducing throughput. |
Better: Subordinate Clauses Used |
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+ |
A schedule that postpones startup of the new equipment is the board’s concern, since the reduced throughput will weaken profits. |
No Subordinate Clauses and Many Prepositions |
|
- |
The need at the company for more space caused by steady growth in the staff and more computer equipment required a request by management for an addition to the office. |
Better: Subordinate Clauses Used |
|
+ |
Management requested an office expansion, because steady staff growth and additional computer equipment had outstripped available space. |
So, one way to recognize sentences that may need subordinate clauses is to look for prepositions.
The most common prepositions are: at, by, for, from, in, of, on, to, with. These nine words are used 90% of the time when a preposition is present. Other single-word prepositions include: aboard, about, above, across, after, against, along, alongside, amid, among, around, as, aside, astride, atop, before, behind, below, beneath, beside, besides, between, beyond, but, concerning, despite, down, during, except, excluding, failing, following, given, including, inside, into, like, minus, near, next, notwithstanding, off, onto, opposite, out, outside, over, past, per, plus, regarding, round, save, since, than, through, throughout, till, times, toward, towards, under, underneath, unlike, until, up, upon, versus, via, within, without, worth.
While most prepositions are single words, some prepositions include two or three words. Just a few examples are: according to, ahead of, because of, close to, due to, as well as, in case of, in front of. Most multi-word prepositions include one of the common short prepositions in, of, and to. You can find a longer list at: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_English_prepositions.
Good writing does not completely eliminate prepositional phrases, but it does keep them to a modest level.
Writing that weighs all ideas equally, and which abounds with prepositions, is called catalogical writing; in other words, details are listed like entries in a catalog. On the other hand, writing that subordinates less important sentence elements is called analytical writing. In this usage, analytical implies an intricate linking of words and ideas, rather than just listing them.
Use noun adjuncts to subordinate less important facts
Another technique for subordination is to transform independent nouns into noun adjuncts. Noun adjuncts are nouns that modify other nouns. Here are examples.
Independent Nouns |
Nouns Adjuncts |
member of the board |
board member |
equipment for computing |
computer equipment |
addition to the office |
office addition |
schedule for installation |
installation schedule |
Although some noun adjuncts offer word economy, this technique should not go to the extreme, such as the following.
Excessive Noun Adjuncts |
|
- |
water supply tank level evaluation |
- |
hurricane disaster homeowner policy rider |
- |
excavation permit application delay |
- |
trip motor transformer investigation report summary |
- |
heart valve operation equipment technician |
Use adjectives to subordinate less important facts
A third approach to subordinating ideas is to change prepositional phrases into adjectives. Here are examples.
Poor: Prepositional Phrases |
Better: Adjectives |
the schedule for startup at a later date |
the late schedule / the delayed schedule / the late-startup schedule |
concern of the board |
board's concern |
a large number of shareholders |
many shareholders |
circumstances of interest |
interesting circumstances |
In summary, replace prepositional phrases with dependent clauses, noun adjuncts, and adjectives. This can transform flat, categorical writing into analytical text, which your readers will understand better.