Successful college writing, Eighth edition - Kathleen T. McWhorter 2020

Revising content and organization
Strategies for writing essays

The photo shows a man in a black shirt with his hand on the back of his head looking at a mirror. The reflection in the mirror has the same person in an army combat uniform, standing to attention.

In this chapter you will learn to

✵ ask key questions to revise

✵ work with your classmates to revise

✵ use your instructor comments to revise

WRITING QUICK START

ANALYZE

Study the photograph above, paying attention to the details. What is happening, where, and why?

WRITE

Now draft a few sentences summarizing what you think is happening, and then add details to your original sentences to describe the photo more fully. After you add these details, will it be easier for a reader who has not seen the photo to picture what is happening in it?

Exchange papers with a classmate and examine how your classmate organized the ideas. Look for parts that you find confusing and that need more detail. Write down your comments for your classmate. Finally, using your own comments and those of the classmate who examined your list, make changes to improve your own description of the photograph.

CONNECT

When you changed your list, did you include more details from the photo? Leave some unimportant details out? Change or rearrange any details? If so, you revised the description of the photo. Revision is a process of making changes to improve what your essay says and how you say it. Revising an essay works in much the same way as the revision of your list did. As Graphic Organizer 8.1 shows, revision is an essential part of the writing process.

GRAPHIC ORGANIZER 8.1 An Overview of the Writing Process

"The items in the left column, numbered here for clarity, are connected consecutively by two-way arrows. These are not numbered in the chart. Items bulleted here are attached to the associated numbered items by lines in the chart. 1. Prewriting to Find and Focus Ideas (Bullet) See Chapter 4. 2. Developing and Supporting Your Thesis (Bullet) See Chapter 5. 3. Drafting your Essay (Bullet) See Chapters 6 and 7. 4. Revising your Essay (Bullet) Analyze your paper’s purpose and audience. (Bullet) Analyze your thesis, topic sentences, and evidence. (Bullet) Analyze your organization. (Bullet) Analyze your title, introduction, and conclusion. (Bullet) Analyze your paragraph development. (Bullet) Work with classmates. 5. Editing and Proofreading (Bullet) See Chapter 9. "

Why Revise?

A thorough, thoughtful revision can change a C paper to an A paper! Revising can make a significant difference in how well your paper

✵ achieves your purpose.

✵ expresses your ideas to your intended audience.

✵ reflects your reader’s expectations of your genre.

This difference is why most professional writers — and successful student writers — revise frequently and thoroughly.

Revising is not a process of correcting surface errors, such as spelling mistakes or punctuation errors. Rather, it is a process of looking at your ideas and finding ways to make them clearer and easier to understand. This may mean adding, eliminating, or reorganizing key elements within the essay, even revising your thesis statement and refocusing the entire essay.

The amount of revision you need to do depends in part on how you approach writing. For example, some students take a highly structured approach to writing. They plan in detail what they will say before they draft. Others may dash off a draft as ideas come to mind. A well-planned draft usually requires less revision than one that was spontaneously written. Regardless of how carefully planned an essay may be, any first draft requires at least some revision.

Use Effective Revision Techniques

The following techniques will help you evaluate and revise your essays:

✵ Allow time between drafting and revising, so you can approach your essay from a fresh perspective. Try to leave enough time to set your draft aside overnight if possible.

✵ Listen for problems as you or a friend reads your draft aloud. Listening carefully can help you identify awkward wording, vague or overused expressions, or main points that are unclear or lack adequate support. A reader less familiar with the text than you may also slow down when reading or misread confusing passages, providing a hint for areas that need revision.

✵ Ask a classmate to read and comment on your paper. This process, called peer review, is discussed in the section “Work with Classmates to Revise Your Essay,” later in this chapter.

✵ Look for consistent problem areas in your writing. Develop a checklist of common problems — such as confusing organization or a lack of concrete supporting details — by listing issues from several essays you have written; then check for these problem areas as you revise.

✵ Read a printed copy. You will be able to analyze and evaluate your writing more impartially, and you can write marginal annotations, circle troublesome words or sentences, and draw arrows to connect details more easily.

✵ Draw a graphic organizer or outline your draft. A graphic organizer or outline allows you to see how your thesis and topic sentences relate to one another and helps you evaluate content and organization. If you spot a problem, such as a detail or an example that does not support a topic sentence, write notes to the right of your organizer (or outline), as shown in Graphic Organizer 8.2.

GRAPHIC ORGANIZER 8.2 Sample Graphic Organizer for Revision

"The left column shows the essay structure, and the right column provides blank spaces for notes. Left-hand column: 1. Introduction: Thesis Statement 2. Paragraph 2: Topic sentence Detail Detail 3. Paragraph 3: Topic sentence Detail Detail Detail (and so on) Right-hand column: Unrelated details, with blanks for three items. Details to add, with blanks for three items. Other problems, with blanks for two items. "

For more about creating a graphic organizer, see the sections “Draw a Graphic Organizer to Examine Relationships among Ideas” in Chapter 2 and “Prepare an Outline or a Graphic Organizer” in Chapter 7.

Ask Key Questions for Revision

To identify broad areas of weakness in your essay, ask yourself these five key questions:

1. Does my essay clearly convey a purpose, address an appropriate audience, and follow the conventions of the genre?

2. Does my essay include a clear, well-focused thesis and provide enough reasons and evidence to support the thesis?

3. Does each paragraph include a clear main idea (usually stated in a topic sentence) and enough details to develop the idea fully?

4. Do the ideas in my essay fit together logically?

5. Does my essay have a strong introduction, a strong conclusion, and an appropriate title?

After identifying areas that need reworking, refer to the self-help flowcharts that follow.

Analyze Your Purpose and Audience

First drafts often lack focus. They may go off in several directions rather than have a clear purpose. For instance, one section of an essay on divorce may inform readers of its causes, and another section may argue that it harms children. A first draft may also contain sections that appeal to different audiences. For instance, one section of an essay on counseling teenagers about drug abuse might seem to be written for parents; other sections might be more appropriate for teenagers.

For more about purpose, see Chapter 4; for more about developing a thesis, see Chapter 5.

To determine if your paper has a clear focus, write a sentence stating what your essay is supposed to accomplish. If you cannot write such a sentence, your paper probably lacks a clear purpose. To find a purpose, reread your draft. Does one purpose predominate? If so, revise the sections that do not fit in. If not, do some additional thinking or brainstorming, listing as many possible purposes as you can think of and revising to address the purpose you find most appropriate.

To determine if your essay is directed to a specific audience, write a few sentences describing your intended readers. Describe their knowledge, beliefs, and experience with your topic. If you are unable to do so, focus on a particular audience and revise your essay with them in mind.

For more about assessing your audience, see Chapter 4; for more about tone and level of diction, see Chapter 9.

ESSAY IN PROGRESS 1

Evaluate the purpose and audience of the draft essay you wrote in Essay in Progress 3 in Chapter 7 or another essay that you have written. Make notes on your graphic organizer or annotate your outline.

Academic Writing: Analyze Your Tone

When revising a piece of academic writing, check to make sure that you have adopted a clear, direct, and informative tone. Tone reflects your attitude toward the topic and audience and is created by the words you use. Are there any unnecessary multisyllabic words that are not especially appropriate to the context? Have you thrown in jargon to make your writing seem more sophisticated? Have you determined whether terms that your readers may not know can be replaced by more familiar terms? If not, have you included a brief definition?

As with any good writing, language is important. Pay attention to the denotation (literal meaning) and connotation (emotional resonance) of the words you have chosen. Also be sure to use the most concrete and specific words that convey your meaning. In particular, most academic writing should avoid the following language issues:

✵ Emotional or inflammatory language. For example, change “The proposal is outrageous!” to “The proposal did not include the financial estimates necessary to assess its validity.”

✵ Slang, figurative, or informal expressions. For example, change “The teenager spilled the beans” to “The thirteen-year-old confessed to having lied about where she went and who she was with on Friday evening.”

✵ Contractions. Change words like “it’s” to “it is” and “shouldn’t” to “should not.”

✵ Broad unsubstantiated generalizations. For example, change “All existing plans should be abandoned” to “The plan to reduce funding for public higher education institutions in New York state should be abandoned.”

✵ First-person (I, me) and second-person (you, your) language. Unless the writer is conveying a personal experience, the first person is generally inappropriate in academic writing, although this may vary from discipline to discipline. The second person is appropriate to instructional content but not to academic writing.

To get a sense of what is an appropriate tone for your essay, look at other academic sources written on the topic, or consult your instructor or a writing center tutor.

Analyze Your Thesis, Topic Sentences, and Evidence

Use Figure 8.1 to examine your thesis statement, topic sentences, and evidence.

FIGURE 8.1 Flowchart for Evaluating Your Thesis Statement, Topic Sentences, and Evidence

The information provided is as follows.

Question 1. Does your essay have a thesis that identifies your topic and position and suggests your slant? (To find out, state your thesis; then highlight the sentence in your draft that comes closest to what you just said. If you cannot find such a sentence, you probably do not have a well-focused thesis.)

If yes, proceed to Question 2.

If no, use these revision strategies:

(Bullet) Reread your essay and answer this question: What is the essay’s one main point?

(Bullet) Write a thesis statement that expresses that main point.

(Bullet) Revise your paper to focus on that main point.

(Bullet) Delete parts of the essay that do not support your thesis statement.

Question 2: Do your readers have the background they need to understand your thesis? (To find out, ask someone unfamiliar with your topic to read your essay, and get feedback.)

If yes, proceed to Question 3.

If no, use this revision strategy:

(Bullet) Answer who, what, when, where, why, and how questions to discover more background information.

Question 3: Have you presented enough evidence to support your thesis? (Place a checkmark beside the evidence that supports your thesis. For paragraphs with few checkmarks, ask yourself: Do they need more evidence to be convincing?)

If yes, proceed to Question 4.

If no, use these revision strategies:

(Bullet) Use prewriting strategies or do additional research to discover more supporting evidence.

(Bullet) Evaluate this new evidence and add the most convincing evidence to your essay.

Question 4: Does each topic sentence logically connect to and support the thesis? Read the thesis, and then read each topic sentence. Revise when the connection is not obvious.

If yes, proceed to Question 5.

If no, use these revision strategies:

(Bullet) Rewrite the topic sentence so that it clearly supports the thesis.

(Bullet) If necessary, broaden your thesis so that it encompasses all your supporting points.

Question 5: Is your evidence specific and detailed? Reread paragraphs where you placed checkmarks. Does each item answer one of these questions: Who? What? When? Where? Why? How? For paragraphs with few or no checkmarks, add more detailed evidence.

If no, use these revision strategies:

(Bullet) Answer who, what, when, where, why, and how questions to discover more detailed evidence. Name names, give dates, specify places.

(Bullet) Use action verbs and descriptive language, including carefully chosen adjectives and adverbs.

ESSAY IN PROGRESS 2

Using Figure 8.1, evaluate the thesis statement, topic sentences, and evidence of the essay you began assessing in Essay in Progress 1 above. Make notes on your graphic organizer or annotate your outline.

Analyze Your Organization

Your readers will not be able to follow your ideas if your essay is not unified. To assess your essay’s unity, examine its organization. Your graphic organizer or outline will help you discover any flaws.

You can also ask a classmate to read your essay and explain how it is organized. If your classmate cannot describe your essay’s organization, it probably needs further work. Use one of the methods in Chapter 7 or one of the patterns of development described in Parts 3 and 4 to reorganize your ideas.

See Chapter 7 to learn more about preparing a graphic organizer; organizing your essay effectively; and writing a strong introduction, conclusion, and title.

Analyze Your Introduction, Conclusion, and Title

The following questions can help you evaluate your introduction, conclusion, and title:

1. Will your introduction interest your readers and provide needed background information? If your essay jumps into the topic without preparing readers for it, your introduction needs to be revised. Ask the questions who, what, when, where, why, and how to determine the background information your readers will need. Then use the suggestions in Chapter 7 to create interest.

2. Does your conclusion draw your essay to a satisfactory close, reinforce your thesis statement, and follow logically from the introduction? If not, try imagining yourself explaining the significance or importance of your essay to a friend, and use this explanation to rewrite your conclusion. Then use the suggestions for writing conclusions in Chapter 7 to add interest.

3. Does your title accurately reflect the content of your essay? Write a few words that “label” your essay. Mine your thesis for a few key words that can serve as part of your title. Finally, use the suggestions in Chapter 7 to help you write a title.

HOW WRITERS READ

YOUR OWN WRITING

ESSAY IN PROGRESS 3

Evaluate the organization of your essay in progress. Make notes on your draft copy.

Analyze Your Paragraph Development

Each paragraph in your essay must fully develop a single idea that supports your thesis. (Exception: Each paragraph of a narrative essay focuses on a separate part of the action; see Chapter 11.) In a typical first draft, paragraphs are often weak or loosely structured. They may contain irrelevant information or lack a clearly focused topic sentence.

Study each paragraph in conjunction with your thesis statement. Then consider whether your topic sentence supports your thesis and whether the reasons and evidence in the paragraph support the topic sentence. You may need to delete or combine some paragraphs, rework or reorganize others, or move paragraphs to more appropriate placement in the essay. If you need to supply additional information to support your thesis, you may need to add paragraphs to the draft. Use Figure 8.2 to analyze and revise your paragraphs.

FIGURE 8.2 Flowchart for Evaluating Your Paragraphs

"The information provided is as follows. Question 1. Does your essay have a thesis that identifies your topic and position and suggests your slant? (To find out, state your thesis; then highlight the sentence in your draft that comes closest to what you just said. If you cannot find such a sentence, you probably do not have a well-focused thesis.) If yes, proceed to Question 2. If no, use these revision strategies: (Bullet) Reread your essay and answer this question: What is the essay’s one main point? (Bullet) Write a thesis statement that expresses that main point. (Bullet) Revise your paper to focus on that main point. (Bullet) Delete parts of the essay that do not support your thesis statement. Question 2: Do your readers have the background they need to understand your thesis? (To find out, ask someone unfamiliar with your topic to read your essay, and get feedback.) If yes, proceed to Question 3. If no, use this revision strategy: (Bullet) Answer who, what, when, where, why, and how questions to discover more background information. Question 3: Have you presented enough evidence to support your thesis? (Place a checkmark beside the evidence that supports your thesis. For paragraphs with few checkmarks, ask yourself: Do they need more evidence to be convincing?) If yes, proceed to Question 4. If no, use these revision strategies: (Bullet) Use prewriting strategies or do additional research to discover more supporting evidence. (Bullet) Evaluate this new evidence and add the most convincing evidence to your essay. Question 4: Does each topic sentence logically connect to and support the thesis? Read the thesis, and then read each topic sentence. Revise when the connection is not obvious. If yes, proceed to Question 5. If no, use these revision strategies: (Bullet) Rewrite the topic sentence so that it clearly supports the thesis. (Bullet) If necessary, broaden your thesis so that it encompasses all your supporting points. Question 5: Is your evidence specific and detailed? Reread paragraphs where you placed checkmarks. Does each item answer one of these questions: Who? What? When? Where? Why? How? For paragraphs with few or no checkmarks, add more detailed evidence. If no, use these revision strategies: (Bullet) Answer who, what, when, where, why, and how questions to discover more detailed evidence. Name names, give dates, specify places. (Bullet) Use action verbs and descriptive language, including carefully chosen adjectives and adverbs. "

See Chapter 6 for more on paragraph development.

ESSAY IN PROGRESS 4

Using Figure 8.2, examine each paragraph of your essay in progress, and make notes on your draft.

Academic Writing: Check Your Use of Sources

When writing from sources, it is important to check that you have incorporated them effectively and cited them correctly. Regardless of whether you have paraphrased, summarized, or quoted the work of others, the following list of questions will help you evaluate your use of sources:

1. Is information or ideas from the source captured accurately? Check that paraphrases and summaries accurately reflect the author’s ideas. Double-check quotations to be certain that they match the original source exactly, including punctuation.

2. Is the source cited correctly, using in-text citations and a list of works cited? For more information about citing sources in MLA and APA style, see Chapter 23.

3. Are signal phrases used to integrate borrowed information and ideas into your own writing? Signal phrases (Professor X argues … ) not only work as transitions to make your flow of ideas smoother, but they also help readers recognize where borrowed material ends and your own ideas and interpretation begin. Signal phrases that also indicate the author’s relevant background (Professor X, a psychologist who has written widely on Stockholm syndrome, … ) let readers know that the author is an authority and lend credibility to your writing.

4. Do the sources support your own ideas? Reread to be sure that each time you use a source, you have made clear why it is used and how it supports your own ideas. Think of supporting paragraphs like a sandwich, with your own ideas and interpretations acting as the bread, and information from sources as the stuffing in between.

5. Is too much source material used? Make sure you have not overused sources and skimped on stating and explaining your own ideas. As a check, literally highlight your own ideas. If more than half of your essay is not highlighted, you have used too many sources.

Work with Classmates to Revise Your Essay

Many instructors ask students to use peer review, a process in which two or more students read and comment on one another’s papers. Working with classmates is an excellent way to get ideas for improving your essays and your approach to the writing process. Peer review can also hone your critical reading skills. The suggestions that follow will help writers and reviewers get the most from peer review.

Find a Good Reviewer

Your instructor may pair you with another class member or let you find your own reviewer, either a classmate or someone outside class. If you can select your own reviewer, use these tips:

✵ Select a classmate who is attentive in class, so he or she will be familiar with the assignment and with what you have learned so far in the course. If you need to find someone outside of class, choose a person who has already taken the course, preferably someone who did well in it.

✵ Avoid choosing close friends; they are not necessarily the best reviewers because they may be reluctant to offer criticism or may be too critical. Instead, choose someone who is serious, skillful, objective, and willing to spend the time needed to provide useful comments.

✵ If your college has a writing center, ask a tutor in the center to read and comment on your draft.

✵ Use more than one reviewer if possible, so you can get several perspectives.

Get Helpful Advice

To get the greatest benefit from peer review, use the following suggestions:

1. Provide readable copy. A typed, double-spaced draft is best.

2. Do some revision yourself first. Think through your draft, and try to fix obvious problems. The more developed your draft is, the more helpful your reviewer’s comments will be.

3. Offer specific questions or guidelines. Give your reviewer a copy of the “Questions for Peer Reviewers” below, and add other questions that you want answered. You might also give your reviewer one of the revision flowcharts in this (or another) chapter.

4. Be open to criticism and new ideas. Try not to be defensive. Look at your essay objectively, seeing it from your reader’s perspective.

5. Don’t feel obligated to accept all of the advice you are given. A reviewer might suggest a change that will not work well in your paper or wrongly identify something as an error. If you are uncertain about a suggestion, discuss it with your instructor or other reviewers.

Questions for Peer Reviewers

1. What is the purpose of the essay?

2. Who is the intended audience?

3. What expectations are associated with this genre?

4. Is the introduction fully developed?

5. What is the main point or thesis? Is it easy to identify?

6. Does each paragraph offer a clear topic sentence and relevant and convincing evidence to support the main point? Where is more evidence needed? (Identify specific paragraphs.)

7. Is each paragraph clear and well organized? Are transitions needed to connect ideas within paragraphs?

8. Is the organization easy to follow? Where might it be improved, and how? Are transitions needed to connect ideas between paragraphs?

9. Does the conclusion draw the essay to a satisfying close?

10. What do you like about the draft? What could be improved? Underline or highlight passages that are unclear or confusing.

Give Helpful Advice

Reviewers should be honest but tactful. Criticism is never easy to accept, so keep your reader’s feelings in mind. These tips will help you provide useful comments:

1. Read the draft through twice before making any judgments or comments.

2. Focus on the main points and how clearly they are expressed. If you notice a misspelling or a grammatical error, you can circle it, but correcting errors is not your primary task.

3. Offer praise. It helps the writer to know what is effective as well as what needs improvement.

4. Be specific. For instance, instead of saying that more examples are needed, tell the writer which ideas in which paragraphs are unclear or unconvincing without examples. Suggest useful examples in each case.

5. Use the Questions for Peer Reviewers above as well as any additional questions that the writer provides to guide your review. If the essay was written in response to an assignment in one of the chapters in Part 3 or 4, consult the revision flowchart in that chapter.

6. Write notes and comments directly on the draft. At the end of the essay, write a note that summarizes your overall reaction, pointing out both strengths and weaknesses. Here is one reviewer’s sample final note:

Overall, I think your paper has great ideas. It definitely held my interest, and the example about the judge proved your point well. But it could be organized better. The last three paragraphs don’t seem connected to the rest of the essay. Maybe better transitions would help. Also the conclusion just repeats your thesis statement. It needs to be developed more.

7. Use the Comments feature or insert comments in brackets or in a different color following the passage. Make it easy for the writer to find and delete your comments after reading them.

8. Do not rewrite paragraphs or sections of the essay. Instead, suggest how the writer might revise them.

ESSAY IN PROGRESS 5

Give your essay in progress to a classmate to read and review. Ask your reviewer to respond to the Questions for Peer Reviewers. Revise your essay using your revision outline, Figures 8.1 and 8.2, and your reviewer’s suggestions.

Use Your Instructor’s Comments

The comments your instructor provides are an important resource to use in revising your essays. You can use them not only to revise an essay but also to improve your writing throughout the course.

Revise an Essay Using Your Instructor’s Comments

Often your instructor’s comments provide a road map for you to begin your revision. An essay by a student, Kate Atkinson, appears in Figure 8.3. Her assignment was to write an essay defining a specialized term, and Kate chose “guerrilla street art” as her subject. In the margin, Kate’s instructor comments on a range of elements in the essay, including the effectiveness of the introduction, paragraph unity and development, word choice, and source citations. (Because this was a draft, Kate’s instructor did not comment on errors, such as misspellings and capitalization mistakes, that Kate will correct while editing and proofreading.) Kate read the comments carefully and used them to revise her essay. Her final draft “Guerrilla Street Art,” appears in Chapter 17.

"The essay reads, ""Guerrilla Street Art: Definition Essay Rough Draft Guerrilla street art is everywhere, if you look for it. The corresponding annotation is “Good There are countless examples in the small college town where I grew up, where the dense population of college students and artists breeds creativity. Just around the corner from my school there are stickers littering sign posts, colorful graffiti tags on exposed brick walls, homemade posters advertising local bands at the bus stop, and a cheerful Dr. Seuss character stencilled on the sidewalk. These small works of art can go easily unnoticed, but they bring an unexpected vibrancy to the city that is” In the above paragraph 1, the sentence “Guerrilla street art is everywhere, if you look for it.” is marked by the comment [KM1] stating “Good opening sentence. It gives readers a reason for wanting to know more about it and challenges them to look for it.”"

"The essay reads, “unique. Guerrilla street art is any unauthorized art in a public space. By taking art out of the traditional context, guerrilla street artists create controversy and intrigue by making art free and accessible to a broad audience. The corresponding instructor comment for line “Guerrilla street art is any unauthorized art in a public space.” is “This is your thesis, but it is not very detailed. What about combining it with the following sentence to create a stronger thesis?” Graffiti is unauthorized writing or drawing on a public surface. It dates back centuries and artists have been know to use chalk, markers, paint, and even carving tools to inscribe their messages on public property. Common techniques used by street artists today include graffiti, stenciling, poster art, sticker art, and wheat pasting. Graffiti is so common that it is difficult to travel far in most urban settings without coming across a word or image scrawled in spray paint on a public a surface. Stenciling is a form of graffiti in which artists use pre-cut stencils to guide their work, and pre-made stickers and posters are popular because they can be quickly applied and are easy to mass produce. “Wheat pasting ” refers to the use of a vegetable-based adhesive to adhere posters to walls. Using a less common technique called “yarn bombing,” crafty artists knit colorful sheaths of wool and acrylic and wrap them around telephone poles and park benches. The finished pieces are eye-catching and unusual, but not permanent or damaging to public property. The corresponding instructor comment for word “surface” is “This sentence defining graffiti is almost the same definition as your definition of guerrilla street art in para. 1.” and for “Wheat pasting” is “The paragraph is about graffiti-writing or drawing. Do wheat pasting and yarn bombing fall into this category? If so, can you expand the definition to fit them? Or are they other forms of guerrilla street art? If so, I’d put them in a separate paragraph. Right now you only mention one form of guerrilla art — graffiti — yet your title suggests the essay is about street art. Are there other forms you haven’t mentioned? The various motives behind guerilla street art are as diverse as the artwork itself and range from social and political activism to self-promotion of the artist. Artist embellish telephone poles with colorful yarn or train carriages with ornate murals as a way to reclaim and beautify public space. Others use public space as a billboard for to advocate for a cause. An example of street art as propaganda is artist Shepard Fairey’s iconic image of Barack Obama . The simple design combines a striking red, white, and blue portrait of Obama with the word “Hope.” With the nod of approval from Obama’s campaign team, Fairey and his team dispersed and glue, stencilled, and tacked the image onto countless public surfaces across the US until it became an important facet of the campaign. The picture itself is powerful, but what made it even more effective as a campaign tool was the distribution of the image by supporters and the youth appeal that it garnered as a result. The corresponding instructor comment for line “The various motives behind guerilla street art are as diverse as the artwork itself and range from social and political activism to self-promotion of the artist.” is “This is a strong topic sentence.”, for word “propaganda” is “Are all causes propaganda? You might want to choose a different word here or introduce propaganda and a separate motive first.”, and for word “Obama” is “Add source citation.” Street Art is also an easy way for new artists to gain notoriety without revealing who they really are. A tag, which is an artists signature or symbol, is the most prevalent type of graffiti. Before the Obama campaign, Shepard Fairey gained international acclaim for a sticker depicting wrestler Andre the Giant and the word “Obey.” The image soon became his tag and can be found in almost all of his work, making it instantly recognizable. The anonymity of street art also gives artists the freedom to express themselves without fearing the judgement of their peers. At worst, this freedom can result in crude or offensive inscriptions on public property but at best, it can produce bold statements."" "

FIGURE 8.3 Using Your Instructor’s Comments to Revise Your Essay

"The essay reads, Due to the illicit nature of their art, the street artist community is shrouded in secrecy. In the film “Exit through the Gift Shop,” a documentary by notorious British street artist Banksy, hooded figures in ski masks are shown scaling buildings and perched precariously on ledges, armed with spray cans and buckets of industrial paste and always on the lookout for the police. Despite his celebrity, Banksy has managed to keep his identity anonymous and his face is never shown in the film. It is common for street artists to be arrested for trespassing and vandalism, and the risk and intentional disobedience involved in street art adds to its appeal, especially among young people. Another appeal of guerrilla street art is that it is contemporary and can be enjoyed without a visit to a museum. It is free and encourages the belief that art should be accessible and available to everyone. It is also a movement that anyone can take part in and that challenges traditional standards of art. In the above paragraph 5, the sentence “Due to the illicit nature of their art, the street artist community is shrouded in secrecy.” is marked by the comment [KM9] stating “This sentence leads me to believe that the para. will be about secrecy, but midway through the topic seems to switch to reasons for street art’s appeal. Maybe make this part into a separate paragraph?” The word “Banksy” is marked by the comment [KM10] stating “Add source citation.” Guerrilla street art has blossomed from and underground movement to a cultural phenomenon. At the very least, it brings up the controversial questions of what constitutes art, and whether public space is an appropriate place for it. It brings beauty and intrigue to urban spaces that would otherwise go unnoticed and it is a tool for artists to exercise freedom of speech and expression. In the above paragraph 6, the phrase “it brings up the controversial questions of what constitutes art” is marked by the comment [KM11] stating “I am glad you raised this question. I kept wondering about it all along as I read the essay. Can you raise it earlier? And should you try to answer this knotty question of “What is art”? Maybe just recognize that the question exists?” "

EXERCISE 8.1

COMPARING A FIRST DRAFT AND A FINAL DRAFT

Either alone or in small groups, compare Kate Atkinson’s rough draft with her “Guerrilla Street Art,” final draft in Chapter 17. Make a list of the changes she made to her essay in response to her instructor’s comments. Also, put a checkmark next to any problems that recur throughout the first draft of the essay.

Use Your Instructor’s Comments to Improve Future Essays

When you receive a graded essay back from an instructor, it is tempting to note the grade and then file away the essay without reading any accompanying notes or suggestions. To improve your writing, however, take time to study each comment. Use the following suggestions to improve future essays:

✵ Reread your essay at least twice. It takes more than one reading to process numerous comments on a wide range of topics. Read your essay once to note grammatical corrections. Then read it a second time to study comments about organization or content.

✵ If you did not get a high grade, try to determine why. Was the essay weak in content, organization, or development?

✵ Make sure you understand (and can correct) each grammatical error. If you cannot, check a grammar handbook or ask a classmate. If you still do not understand your error, check with your instructor.

✵ Record grammar errors in an error log. When you proofread your next essay, look carefully for each type of error.

✵ Using Figures 8.1 and 8.2, highlight or mark weaknesses that your instructor identified. When writing your next essay, refer back to these flowcharts. Pay close attention to the areas you had trouble with as you revise your next paper.

✵ If any comments are unclear, first ask a classmate if he or she understands them. If not, talk to your instructor, who will be pleased that you are taking time to study the comments.

EXERCISE 8.2

USING YOUR INSTRUCTOR’S COMMENTS ON A DRAFT

If your instructor has returned a marked-up first draft to you, read the comments carefully. Then draw a line down the middle of a blank sheet of paper. On the left, write the instructor’s comments; on the right, jot down ways you might revise the essay in response to each comment. Put a checkmark next to any problems that recur throughout your essay; these are areas to which you will want to pay particular attention in your future writing.

STUDENTS WRITE

After writing her “The Threats of Surveillance,” first draft, which appears in Chapter 7, Latrisha Wilson used the guidelines and revision flowcharts in this chapter to guide her revision. For example, she decided that she needed to focus more on how communications technologies allow greater surveillance. She added details and examples, including a visual to show what she was describing.

Wilson asked a classmate to review her essay. A portion of his comments is shown below.

REVIEWER’S COMMENTS

I like your topic. It’s current and interesting, but maybe your thesis could be more specific? Maybe it should focus on how new ways of communicating put us at risk of surveillance? Or you could revise your intro to focus on whistleblowers (that’s what your first body paragraph talks about), but you’d need to add a lot of information. Since I have gmail and instagram, I’d like to know more about how those sites use our personal information to make money, and maybe you could include a screenshot of a gmail page to show where the ads are. That might be helpful for the 5 people in the world (like the teacher?) who don’t have gmail accounts. The only other thing that I think may be a problem is the tone. It’s kind of casual for an essay for class. Maybe you could make your tone more formal?

Using her own analysis and her classmate’s suggestions, Wilson created a graphic organizer (Graphic Organizer 8.3) to help her decide how to revise her draft. She used the format for an illustration essay (Graphic Organizer 13.1) provided in Chapter 13.

"The essay sections are listed vertically on the left. The Introduction, Thesis, and Body items, numbered here for clarity, are connected to these sections. The supporting notes on the right are attached to the associated numbered items. Section: Introduction 1. There are many ways to talk: iPhones, Skype, Gmail, Facebook, Twitter, Blogs. (Bullet) Add detail: Mention Instagram—a more current form of digital communication (Bullet) Delete detail: iPhone—recorded conversations and GPS tracking Section: Thesis 1. These new digital technologies are incredibly useful; however, they also come at a hidden cost of more surveillance. (Bullet) Add detail: Specify communications technologies (“digital” too broad). (Bullet) Add detail: Mention the fact that these services are supposedly free. Section: Body paragraph 1 1. James Bond vs surveillance computers 2. Edward Snowden: Whistleblower; Moving from airport to airport, Moscow airport; Aggressively pursued by NSA 3. NSA: Not under control; Lied to Congress 4. Chelsea Manning case (Bullet) Add detail: Explain who Snowden is and what he did (Bullet) Add detail: Name corporations who cooperated with the NSA (Bullet) Delete detail: Edward Snowden’s whereabouts, living in airports (Bullet) Delete detail: NSA and consequences (Bullet) Delete detail: Reference to drones and Manning (Bullet) Delete detail: NSA concerned more about self than citizens Section: Body paragraph 2 1. Google surveillance: Gmail ads; Internet searches. 2. Getting keywords/phrases from emails and selling them 3. Recording and selling our searches (Bullet) Add detail: Google scans emails and sells information to companies (Bullet) Add detail: Specific example of ad that appears in email (Bullet) Add detail: Add visual example of targeted ads (Bullet) Delete detail: Comments about Google getting paid lots of money—need evidence (Bullet) Delete detail: Comments about what Google spokesman says— would need source (Bullet) Change: Change “mom” example to something I can document (Bullet) Change: Make tone more formal, use “third person” "

GRAPHIC ORGANIZER 8.3 Graphic Organizer for Latrisha Wilson’s Revision Plans

"Section: Body paragraph 3 1. Google Ad not a secret form of surveillance, but users are not well informed 2. Possible access to our personal information by employees of Google, Facebook, Netflix 3. Service agreements hard to understand (Bullet) Add detail: Ads on social networking sites (Bullet) Add detail: “Sponsors” section on Facebook homepage (Bullet) Add detail: Personal data available to marketers who send targeted ads to Facebook users (Bullet) Delete detail: All information in first draft of body paragraph 3 (move some to body paragraph 4) (Bullet) Change: Focus on selling information from social networking sites, esp. Facebook Section: Body paragraph 4: New paragraph. (Bullet) Add detail: Google, Facebook, etc. convince us our data is safe but sell it to marketers. (Bullet) Add detail: Users unaware how much information is mined— include stuff on terms of service from first (Bullet) Add detail: Privacy policies confusing because changed frequently. (Bullet) Add transition Section: Conclusion 1. Is digital surveillance really a problem? 2. No privacy 3. Problems: researching other forms of government; blackmail potential 4. Can’t express myself without privacy (Bullet) Add detail: Google ads for alternative forms of government? (Bullet) Add detail: Need government regulation (Bullet) Add detail: Citizens’ right to privacy (Bullet) Change: Make tone more formal, less personal, use “third person” "

After creating the graphic organizer, Wilson revised her first draft. A portion of her revised draft, with her revisions indicated using the Track Changes function of Microsoft Word, follows.

REVISED DRAFT

Original paragraph: There are plenty of new ways to talk to friends and family. We can communicate by talking on our iPhones, and read each other’s Twitter feed or blog posts, but there are dangers there. Our conversations can be recorded, and the G P S function on the phone allows our whereabouts to be tracked. We can chat on Skype, Gmail, Facebook message, or read each other’s Twitter or blog posts. And then there are security cameras that record our every move. These new digital technologies are incredibly useful; however, they also come at a hidden cost.

Revised paragraph: Do we need to talk? There are plenty of exciting new ways to do it. We can text, Face Time on use our iPhones, g chat on Google, Facebook message, and read each other’s Twitter feed or blog posts, or share pictures on Instagram or Snapchat. These new digital technologies are incredibly useful; however, they also come at a hidden cost. Often advertised as free services, new ways of communicating put us under more invasive but less obvious forms of surveillance.

Before Wilson submitted her final draft, she read her essay several more times, editing it for sentence structure and word choice. She also proofread it to catch errors in grammar and punctuation as well as typographical errors. (A portion of Wilson’s revised essay, with editing and proofreading changes marked, appears in Chapter 9.) The final version of Wilson’s essay follows.

Final Draft

The paragraphs of the final draft are numbered 1 through 6.

Paragraph 1: Do we need to talk? There are plenty of exciting new ways to do it. We can text, Face Time on our iPhones, g chat on Google, Facebook message, or read each other’s Twitter feed or blog posts, or share pictures on Instagram or Snapchat. These new digital technologies are incredibly useful; however, they also come at a hidden cost. Often advertised as free services, new ways of communicating put us under more invasive but less obvious forms of surveillance.

Paragraph 2: When the word surveillance comes up, people think of some thrilling and dangerous activity, like the spying on foreign terrorists that goes on in James Bond movies. But in the U.S. today, most spying isn’t done by handsome secret agents out to save the world; it’s done by surveillance computers, and they monitor U.S. citizens, not just foreign terrorists. For example, consider what we learned from the whistleblower Edward Snowden, who sacrificed his career as a contractor for the National Security Agency (N S A) to alert the public to the deals the N S A makes with companies like Microsoft, Facebook, and Verizon to collect personal information and monitor everything their customers do on the Internet or speak into a telephone.

Paragraph 3: The N S A, of course, isn’t the only organization spying on us. Another kind of surveillance, which doesn’t make top press, is the eavesdropping

(The draft continues on the next page.)

The final draft continues from the previous page as follows.

Paragraph 3: that Google and other communication service providers regularly do on their users. Google software, for example, automatically scans the content of all Gmail for keywords and phrases that then must get sold or rented to other companies because users of Gmail regularly see targeted advertisements related to what they’ve written about: If a user wishes her friend “Happy Birthday!” she now sees advertisements for party clowns and birthday packages. (See fig. 1.)

A screenshot of a Gmail page shows several emails with the word “Birthday” in the subject line and resulting ads for children's party clowns and birthday packages for sale. The caption reads, “Fig. 1. Birthday email string leads to birthday advertising.”

Paragraph 4: Advertisers pay social networking sites to do something similar, which is why users might have noticed that section of “sponsors” to the right of their Facebook homepage. Everything public on a typical person’s profile page — their age, relationship status, favorite music, education history — is available to marketers (for a price), so they can send their ads to specific people.

Paragraph 5: In this way, Facebook, Google, and other digital service providers sell advertisers intimate data about us, while also attempting to convince us that all our personal data is safe. Most people have little to no idea how much data they give up when they get on the Internet. How would they? Facebook and Google constantly change their privacy policies, and the terms-of-service agreements are long legal documents written in a language which your everyday person doesn’t have the time or energy to decipher. So they just check a box.

Paragraph 6: “What’s the problem?” you might say. “I have nothing to hide from either the government or companies like Google and Facebook.” But think

(The draft continues on the next page.)

The final draft continues from the previous page as follows.

Paragraph 6: about it for a few minutes: When researching a political science paper on alternate forms of government, will typing words like “anarchism” or “Marxism” into a search box set off warning signals at the N S A or trigger Google to send advertisements for The Anarchist’s Handbook (which might set off warning signals)? To honestly express ourselves, we need privacy. But less and less is there any kind of space for it online, where most of us read, write, and communicate. There needs to be some space online where all our activity is not recorded and sold (or taken by government agencies). But unless more rules and regulations are put in place to govern the behavior of Internet service providers and governmental data miners, privacy will become a thing of the past, and people will forget that they are not just consumers, but also citizens with rights, like the right to privacy.

Analyzing the Revision

1. Revision Identify the major revisions that Wilson made from the earlier draft in Chapter 7. Explain why you think she made the changes she did. Are there other changes she could have made to make the final draft even better?

2. Introduction and Conclusion Examine Wilson’s introduction and conclusion. In what ways are they more effective than the introduction and conclusion in her first draft? What additional improvements could she make?

3. Details Choose one paragraph, and compare the details provided in it with those in the corresponding paragraph of the first draft. Which added details are particularly effective, and why?

4. Tone Consider the differences in tone between Wilson’s first draft and her revised draft. What changes affected her tone? (List three.) Given that she was writing this essay for a college course and that her instructor was her main audience, how effective is the tone of the revised essay?

Working Together

In groups of two or three classmates, use the questions below to analyze paragraph 6 (or another paragraph) from the essay “The New Marshmallow Test: Students Can’t Resist Multitasking” (in Chapter 1) or another essay.

✵ What is the topic sentence of this paragraph?

✵ How is the paragraph organized?

✵ What transitions does the author use in the paragraph?

✵ What action verbs (if any) does the author use in the paragraph? (Give an example.)

✵ Does the author use descriptive language (language that appeals to the senses)? If so, give an example of such language.

Be prepared to share your responses with the rest of the class.