Successful college writing, Eighth edition - Kathleen T. McWhorter 2020

Editing sentences and words
Strategies for writing essays

In this chapter you will learn to

✵ analyze and edit your sentences for wordiness; repetition of type, length, and pattern; parallelism; and weak verbs

✵ analyze and edit your word choice for tone, level of diction, overly general word choice, and use of clichés

✵ proofread effectively

WRITING QUICK START

ANALYZE

The photo on this page shows a sign with errors of grammar and punctuation. Read carefully to identify all the errors, and then correct them.

WRITE

In a few sentences, describe how errors like these affect viewers’ reaction to the message and their opinion of the sign’s creator.

CONNECT

When you identified errors in the sign and corrected them, you edited and proofread it. Editing and proofreading are processes of examining individual sentences and words and correcting them as needed so that each conveys the intended meaning accurately, concisely, and in an interesting and appropriate way. These are the last steps in the writing process (see Graphic Organizer 9.1), and they are crucial. Because you are almost finished with your assignment, you may be tempted to hurry through or skip editing and proofreading altogether. But as this Writing Quick Start demonstrates, careful editing and proofreading will always pay off in the end because an error-free essay is important to conveying your message effectively and establishing a positive relationship with your reader. This chapter will help you sharpen your sentences; refine your word choice; and correct errors with grammar, punctuation, and spelling that can annoy readers or obscure your meaning.

GRAPHIC ORGANIZER 9.1 An Overview of the Writing Process

"The items in the left column of the chart, numbered here for clarity, are connected consecutively by arrows. Items bulleted here are attached to the associated numbered items by lines. 1. Prewriting to Find and Focus Ideas (Bullet) See Chapter 4. 2. Developing and Supporting Your Thesis (Bullet) See Chapter 5. 3. Drafting Your Essay (Bullet) See Chapters 6 and 7. 4. Revising Your Essay (Bullet) See Chapter 8. 5. Editing and Proofreading (Bullet) Analyze your sentences. (Bullet) Analyze your word choice. (Bullet) Proofread your essay. "

Analyze Your Sentences

Effective sentences should have four important characteristics:

1. They should be clear and concise.

2. They should be varied.

3. They should use parallel structure for similar ideas.

4. They should contain strong, active verbs.

When using information or ideas from sources to support your claims, your sentences should also do one more thing:

5. They should introduce and identify the source clearly and smoothly.

Are Your Sentences Concise?

Concise sentences convey their meaning in as few words as possible. Use the following suggestions to make your sentences concise:

1. Avoid wordy expressions. Omit words and phrases that contribute little or no meaning. If a sentence is clear without a particular phrase or if the phrase can be replaced by a more direct word or phrase, take it out or replace it.

"The first example reads, “In the near future, another revolution in computer technology is bound to occur.” In this sentence, “In the near future” is omitted and “soon” is added at the end of sentence. The second example reads, “In light of the fact that computer technology changes every month or so, software upgrades are what everybody has to do.” In this sentence, “In the light of the fact that” is replaced with “Since”, “every month or so” is replaced with monthly, and “what everybody has to do” is replaced with “necessary.”"

2. Eliminate redundancy. Look for places where you have repeated an idea unnecessarily by using different words that have the same meaning.

"The first example reads, “My decision to choose accounting as my major will lead to steady, rewarding employment.” In this sentence, “My decision to choose” is replaced with “Choosing.” The second example reads, “Teenagers use slang to establish who they are and what their identity is.” In this sentence, “who they are and what” and “is” at the end of sentence are marked for deletion."

3. Eliminate unnecessary sentence openings. Look for words you have expressed indirectly or tentatively. As you revise, edit to make them more direct.

"The first example reads, “It is my opinion that fast - food restaurants should post nutritional information for each menu item.” In this sentence, “It is my opinion that” is marked for deletion. The second example reads, “Many people would agree that selecting nutritious snacks is a priority for health-conscious people.” In this sentence, “Many people would agree that” is marked for deletion."

4. Eliminate unnecessary adverbs. Using too many adverbs can weaken your writing. Adverbs such as extremely, really, and very add nothing and can weaken the words they modify. Notice that the following sentence is stronger without the adverb.

"The example reads, “The journalist was very elated when he learned that he had won a Pulitzer Prize.” In this sentence, “very” is marked for deletion."

Other adverbs, such as somewhat, rather, and quite, also add little or no meaning and are often unnecessary.

"Original Sentence: The college president was quite disturbed by the findings of the Presidential Panel on Sex Equity. Revised sentence: The college president was disturbed by the findings of the Presidential Panel on Sex Equity."

An adverb modifies a verb, an adjective, or another adverb.

5. Eliminate unnecessary phrases and clauses. Wordy phrases and clauses make it difficult for readers to find and understand the main point of your sentence. This problem often occurs when you use too many prepositional phrases and clauses that begin with who, which, or that.

"Original Sentence: The complaints of students in the college encouraged the dean to create additional parking spaces. Revised sentence: The students' complaints encouraged the dean to create additional parking spaces. Original Sentence: The teenagers who were mall walkers disagreed with the editorial in the newspaper that supported the shopping mall regulations. Revised sentence: The teenage mall walkers disagreed with the newspaper editorial supporting shopping mall regulations."

A prepositional phrase is a group of words that begins with a preposition and includes the object or objects of the preposition and all their modifiers: above the low wooden table.

6. Avoid weak verb-noun combinations. Weak verb-noun combinations such as wrote a draft instead of drafted or made a change instead of changed tend to make sentences wordy.

"Original Sentence: The attorney made an assessment of the company’s liability in the accident. Revised sentence: The attorney assessed the company’s liability in the accident. Original Sentence: The professor gave a lecture on Asian American relations. Revised sentence: The professor lectured on Asian American relations. "

EXERCISE 9.1

Edit the following sentences to make them concise:

1. Due to the fact that Professor Wu assigned twenty-five math problems for tomorrow, I am forced to make the decision to miss this evening’s lecture to be given by the vice president of the United States.

2. In many cases, workers are forced to use old equipment that needs replacing despite the fact that equipment malfunctions cost the company more than the price of new machines.

3. Chick-fil-A is one of the best examples of a fast-food restaurant that everyone pays way too much attention to.

4. The president of Warehouse Industries has the ability and power to decide who should and who should not be hired and who should and who should not be fired.

5. The soccer league’s sponsor, as a matter of fact, purchased league jerseys for the purpose of advertisement and publicity.

HOW WRITERS READ

SENTENCES AND PARAGRAPHS

Sentences and paragraphs that are unclear, vague, or repetitious can be confusing (and annoying). Fortunately, most of your college reading assignments will have been carefully edited, but you may encounter poor writing on the job, on personal Web sites, and even in some periodicals.

When you encounter material that contains numerous grammatical or spelling errors or that uses dull, stilted, or unclear language, take the time to check the reliability of the content carefully: Lack of care in writing and editing can often be a sign of sloppy thinking, and authors who do not take the time to present their ideas in clear, correct prose may not have taken the time to think through or research their topic fully.

Are Your Sentences Varied?

Sentences that are varied will help hold your reader’s interest and make your writing flow more smoothly. Vary the type, length, and pattern of your sentences.

How to vary sentence type

There are four types of sentences: simple, compound, complex, and compound-complex. Each type consists of one or more clauses. A clause is a group of words with both a subject and a verb. There are two types of clauses:

✵ An independent clause can stand alone as a complete sentence.

✵ A dependent clause cannot stand alone as a complete sentence. It begins with a subordinating conjunction (for example, because or although) or a relative pronoun (for example, when, which, or that).

A brief summary of each sentence type and its clauses appears in Table 9.1.

Use the following suggestions to vary your sentence types:

1. Use simple sentences for emphasis and clarity. A simple sentence contains only one independent clause, but it is not necessarily short. It can have more than one subject, more than one verb, and several modifiers.

"The given sentence is, ""Both retailers and consumers have and must exercise the responsibility to curtail fraud by reporting suspicious use of credit cards.” The following are identified in this sentence: ""retailers"" and ""consumers"" are identified as subjects. ""Have"" and ""must exercise"" are identified as verbs. ""To curtail fraud"" and ""by reporting suspicious use of credit cards"" are identified as modifiers. "

A short, simple sentence can be used to emphasize an important point or to make a dramatic statement.

o Credit-card fraud is rampant.

If you use too many simple sentences, however, your writing will sound choppy and disjointed.

2. Use compound sentences to show relationships among equally important ideas. A compound sentence consists of two or more independent clauses joined in one of the following ways:

o With a comma and coordinating conjunction:

§ — Leon asked a question, and the whole class was surprised.

Coordinating conjunctions (and, but, or, nor, for, so, yet) connect sentence elements that are of equal importance.

o With a semicolon:

§ — Graffiti had been scrawled on the subway walls; passersby ignored it.

o With a semicolon and a conjunctive adverb:

§ — Each year thousands of children are adopted; consequently, adoption service agencies have increased in number.

A conjunctive adverb is a word (such as also, however, or still) that links two independent clauses.

o With a correlative conjunction:

§ — Either the jury will reach a verdict tonight, or it will recess until Monday morning.

A correlative conjunction is a word pair (such as not only … but also) that works together to join elements within a sentence.

3. In each example, both clauses are equally important and receive equal emphasis.

4. You can also use compound sentences to explain how equally important ideas are related. For example, you can use different coordinating conjunctions to show the relationship between two important related ideas. (See Table 9.2 below.)

5. Use complex sentences to show that one or more ideas are less important than (or subordinate to) another idea. A complex sentence consists of one independent clause and at least one dependent clause. Either type of clause may come first. When the dependent clause comes first, it is usually followed by a comma. When the independent clause comes first, a comma is usually not used:

o Because the dam broke, the village flooded.

o The village flooded because the dam broke.

In the preceding sentences, the main point is that the village flooded. The dependent clause explains why the flood happened. A dependent clause often begins with a subordinating conjunction that indicates how the less important (dependent) idea is related to the more important (independent) idea. Table 9.3 lists some subordinating conjunctions and the relationships they suggest.

Dependent clauses can also begin with a relative pronoun (that, who, which).

o Many medical doctors who are affiliated with a teaching hospital use interns in their practices.

To see how complex sentences can improve your writing, study the following two paragraphs:

ORIGINAL

Are you one of the many people who has tried to quit smoking? Well, don’t give up trying. Help is here in the form of a nonprescription drug. A new nicotine patch has been developed. This patch will help you quit gradually. That way, you will experience less severe withdrawal symptoms. Quitting will be easier than ever before, but you need to be psychologically ready to quit smoking. Otherwise, you may not be successful.

Monotonous use of simple and compound sentences

REVISED

If you are one of the many people who has tried to quit smoking, don’t give up trying. Help is now here in the form of a nonprescription nicotine patch, which has been developed to help you quit gradually. Because you experience less severe withdrawal symptoms, quitting is easier than ever before. However, for this patch to be successful, you need to be psychologically ready to quit.

Varied sentence types convey relationships among ideas.

6. Use compound-complex sentences occasionally to express complicated relationships. A compound-complex sentence contains one or more dependent clauses and two or more independent clauses.

o If you expect to study medicine, you must take courses in biology and chemistry, and you must prepare for four more years of study after college.

Use compound-complex sentences sparingly. When overused, they make your writing hard to follow.

EXERCISE 9.2

Combine each of the following sentence pairs into a single compound or complex sentence:

1. A day-care center may look respectable. Parents assume a day-care center is safe and run well.

2. In some states, the training required to become a day-care worker is minimal. On-the-job supervision and evaluation of day-care workers are infrequent.

3. Restaurants are often fined or shut down for minor hygiene violations. Day-care centers are rarely fined or closed down for hygiene violations.

4. More and more mothers have entered the workforce. The need for quality day care has increased dramatically.

5. Naturally, day-care workers provide emotional support for children. Few day-care workers are trained to provide intellectual stimulation.

How to vary sentence length

If you vary sentence type, you often automatically vary sentence length as well. Simple sentences tend to be short, while compound and complex sentences tend to be longer. Compound-complex sentences tend to be the longest.

You can use sentence length to achieve a specific effect: Short sentences tend to be sharp and emphatic; they move ideas along quickly, creating a fast-paced essay. In the following example, a series of short sentences creates a dramatic pace:

✵ The jurors had little to debate. The incriminating evidence was clear and incontrovertible. The jury announced its verdict with astonishing speed.

Longer sentences, in contrast, move the reader more slowly through the essay. Notice that the lengthy sentence in this example suggests a leisurely, unhurried pace:

✵ While standing in line, impatient to ride the antique steam-powered train, the child begins to imagine how the train will crawl deliberately, endlessly, along the tracks, slowly gathering speed as it spews grayish steam and emits hissing noises.

How to vary sentence pattern

A sentence is usually made up of one or more subjects, verbs, and modifiers. Modifiers are words (adjectives or adverbs), phrases, or clauses that describe or limit another part of the sentence (a noun, pronoun, verb, phrase, or clause). Here are some examples of modifiers in sentences:

As you can see, the placement of modifiers may vary, depending on the pattern of the sentence.

1. Modifier last: subject-verb-modifier. The main message (expressed in the subject and verb) comes first, followed by information that clarifies or explains the message.

"The given sentence is, ""The instructor walked into the room."" The following are identified in this sentence: ""The instructor"" is identified as the subject. ""Walked"" is identified as a verb. ""Into the room"" is identified as a modifier."

In some cases, a string of modifiers follows the subject and verb.

"The given sentence is, ""The salesperson demonstrated the word-processing software, creating and deleting files, moving text, creating directories, and formatting tables."" The following are identified in this sentence: ""Salesperson"" is identified as the subject. ""Demonstrated"" is identified as a verb. ""Creating and deleting files, moving text, creating directories, and formatting tables"" is identified as a modifier."

2. Modifier first: modifier-subject-verb (periodic sentences). Information in the modifier precedes the main message, elaborating the main message but slowing the overall pace. The emphasis is on the main message at the end of the sentence.

"The given sentence is ""Tired and depressed from hours of work, the divers left the scene of the accident."" The following are identified in this sentence: ""Tired and depressed from hours of work"" is identified as a modifier. ""The divers"" is identified as the subject. ""left"" is identified as the verb."

Use periodic sentences sparingly: Too many will make your writing sound stiff and unnatural.

3. Modifier in the middle: subject-modifier-verb. The modifier interrupts the main message and tends to slow the pace of the sentence. The emphasis is on the subject because it comes first in the sentence.

"The given sentence is, ""The paramedic, trained and experienced in water rescue, was first on the scene of the boating accident."" The following are identified in this sentence: ""The paramedic"" is identified as the subject, ""trained and experienced in water rescue"" is identified as a verb, and ""was"" is identified as the verb."

Avoid placing too many modifiers between the subject and verb in a sentence. Doing so may cause your reader to miss the sentence’s key idea.

4. Modifiers used throughout.

"The given sentence is, ""Because human organs are in short supply, awarding an organ transplant, especially hearts and kidneys, to patients has become a controversial issue, requiring difficult medical and ethical decisions."" The following are identified in this sentence: ""Because human organs are in short supply"" is identified as a modifier, ""awarding an organ transplant"" is identified as the subject, ""especially hearts and kidneys"" is identified as a modifier, ""has become"" is identified as the verb, and ""requiring difficult medical and ethical decisions"" is identified as a modifier."

By varying the order of subjects, verbs, and modifiers, you can give emphasis where it is needed as well as vary sentence patterns as shown in the following paragraphs:

ORIGINAL

Theme parks are growing in number and popularity. Theme parks have a single purpose — to provide family entertainment centered around high-action activities. The most famous theme parks are Disney World and Disneyland. They serve as models for other, smaller parks. Theme parks always have amusement rides. Theme parks can offer other activities such as swimming. Theme parks will probably continue to be popular.

Monotonous use of same subject-verb-modifier pattern

REVISED

Theme parks are growing in number and popularity. Offering high-action activities, theme parks fulfill a single purpose — to provide family entertainment. The most famous parks, Disney World and Disneyland, serve as models for other, smaller parks. Parks always offer amusement rides, which appeal to both children and adults. Added attractions such as swimming, water slides, and boat rides provide thrills and recreation. Because of their family focus, theme parks are likely to grow in popularity.

Ideas come alive through use of varied sentence patterns.

EXERCISE 9.3

Add modifiers to the following sentences to create varied sentence patterns:

1. The divers jumped into the chilly waters.

2. The beach was closed because of pollution.

3. Coffee-flavored drinks are becoming popular.

4. The dorm was crowded and noisy.

5. The exam was more challenging than we expected.

Academic Writing: Are Sources Introduced Clearly and Integrated Smoothly?

Whenever you paraphrase, summarize, or use quotations to present ideas or information from a source, you will need to introduce the borrowed material. This brief introduction should convey why you are incorporating it — who the author is, what kind of work the borrowed material is from, or another brief explanation of why the borrowed material is relevant.

One strategy for working this kind of information into your writing is to include it as a modifier. Instead of tacking on a second sentence, add information about the author or the work from which you are borrowing as a phrase or clause following the author’s name:

"The given sentence is, “Vishwanath, a researcher on fake social media profiles and president and chief technologist at Avant Research Group, argues that parents should teach their children to protect themselves by carefully assessing social media connection (’friend’) requests (p. 0).” The following text is bracketed: ""a researcher on fake social media profiles and president and chief technologist at Avant Research Group.” The annotation reads, “phrase describing author’s credentials.”"

This strategy allows you to incorporate the information readers need right where they need it.

EXERCISE 9.4

For each of the sentence groups that follow, write one sentence that incorporates relevant information about the author. You do not need to include all the information provided; choose the information that best shows why readers should accept the statement as true. An example is provided for you.

✵ According to Adam Alter, a professor who studies decision making, how students are labeled can affect their success in school.

1. Bystanders of bullying can be divided into three groups: “confederates,” who egg bullies on; the “co-victims,” or the next in line to be bullied; and the “isolate,” those who try to remain uninvolved.

o Ian Rivers is a professor of human development at Brunel University.

o Rivers is an expert on bullying.

2. A study reveals that Pawn Stars is the TV show viewers of all political persuasions most love to hate.

o Johanna Blakley is the director of research and managing director of the Norman Lear Center, a research center that focuses on the effect entertainment has on society.

o Blakley is an expert on the media habits of liberals and conservatives.

3. In general, parents do not discuss emotions (except anger) with their sons, so boys tend to grow up without being as aware of their emotions as girls are.

o Daniel Goleman has a Ph.D. in behavioral and brain sciences.

o Goleman has written three books on emotional intelligence.

4. Children as young as age two already have a sense that some items belong to them.

o Christian Jarrett has a Ph.D. in psychology.

o Jarrett writes for the British Psychological Society’s magazine The Psychologist.

5. Human beings have a tendency to accept information at face value, especially when it reinforces beliefs they already hold.

o Joseph Paul Forgas is Sciencia Professor of Psychology at the University of New South Wales in Australia.

o Forgas studies how interactions with other people change in response to intellectual and emotional processes.

Are Your Sentences Parallel in Structure?

Parallelism means that similar ideas in a sentence are expressed in similar grammatical form. It means balancing words with words, phrases with phrases, and clauses with clauses. Parallel sentences flow smoothly and make your thoughts easy to follow. Study the following sentence pairs. Which sentence in each pair is easier to read?

✵ The horse was large, had a bony frame, and it was friendly.

✵ The horse was large, bony, and friendly.

✵ Maria enjoys swimming and sailboats.

✵ Maria enjoys swimming and sailing.

In each pair, the second sentence sounds better because it is balanced grammatically. Large, bony, and friendly are all adjectives. Swimming and sailing are nouns ending in -ing.

The following sentence elements should be parallel in structure:

1. Nouns in a series

"Original Sentence: A thesis statement that is clear, strong supporting paragraphs, and a conclusion that should be interesting are all elements of a well-written essay. Revised Sentence: A clear thesis statement, strong supporting paragraphs, and an interesting conclusion are all elements of a well-written essay."

2. Adjectives in a series

"Original Sentence: ""The concertgoers were rowdy and making a great deal of noise."" Revised Sentence: ""The concertgoers were rowdy and noisy."""

3. Verbs in a series

"Original Sentence: ""The sports fans jumped and were applauding."" Revised Sentence: ""The sports fans jumped and applauded.”"

4. Phrases and clauses within a sentence

"Original Sentence: ""The parents who supervised the new playground were pleased about the preschoolers playing congenially and that everyone enjoyed the sandbox."" Revised Sentence: ""The parents who supervised the new playground were pleased that the preschoolers played congenially and that everyone enjoyed the sandbox."""

5. Items being compared

"Original Sentence: ""It is usually better to study for an exam over a period of time than cramming the night before."" Revised Sentence: ""It is usually better to study for an exam over a period of time than to cram the night before."""

EXERCISE 9.5

Edit the following sentences to eliminate problems with parallelism:

1. The biology student spent Saturday morning reviewing his weekly textbook assignments, writing a research report, and with lab reports.

2. The career counselor advised Althea to take several math courses and that she should also register for at least one computer course.

3. Three reasons for the popularity of fast-food restaurants are that they are efficient, offer reasonable prices, and most people like the food they serve.

4. Driving to Boston is as expensive as it is to take the train.

5. While at a stop sign, it is important first to look both ways and then proceeding with caution is wise.

Do Your Sentences Have Strong, Active Verbs?

Strong, active verbs make your writing lively and vivid. By contrast, to be verbs (is, was, were, has been, and so on) and other linking verbs (feels, became, seems, appears) — which connect a noun or pronoun to words that describe it — can make your writing sound dull. Linking verbs often contribute little meaning to a sentence. Whenever possible, use stronger, more active verbs.

To strengthen your writing, use active verbs rather than passive verbs as much as possible. A passive verb is a form of the verb to be combined with a past participle (surprised, chosen, elected). In a sentence with a passive verb, the subject does not perform the action of the verb but instead receives the action. By contrast, in a sentence with an active verb, the subject performs the action.

Notice that the first sentence emphasizes the action of claiming, not the person who made the claim. In the second sentence, the person who made the claim is the subject.

Unless you decide deliberately to deemphasize the subject, try to avoid using passive verbs. On occasion, you may need to use passive verbs, however, to emphasize the object or person receiving the action.

✵ The Johnsons’ house was destroyed by the flood.

Passive verbs may also be appropriate if you do not know or choose not to reveal who performed an action. Journalists often use passive verbs for this reason.

✵ It was confirmed late Tuesday that Senator Kraemer is resigning.

EXERCISE 9.6

Edit the following sentences by changing passive verbs to active ones, adding a subject when necessary:

1. Songs about peace were composed by folk singers in the 1960s.

2. The exam was thought to be difficult because it covered thirteen chapters.

3. For water conservation, it is recommended that low-water-consumption dishwashers be purchased.

4. The new satellite center was opened by the university so that students could attend classes nearer their homes.

5. In aggressive telemarketing sales calls, the consumer is urged by the caller to make an immediate decision before prices change.

ESSAY IN PROGRESS 1

For your essay in progress (the one you worked on in Chapters 6, 7, and 8) or any essay you are working on, evaluate and edit your sentences.

Analyze Your Word Choice

Each word in your essay contributes to your essay’s meaning. Consequently, when you are revising, be sure to analyze your word choice, or diction (see Figure 9.1). The words you choose should suit your purpose, audience, tone, and genre. This section describes four aspects of word choice to consider as you evaluate and revise your essay:

1. Tone and level of diction

2. Word connotations

3. Concrete and specific language

4. Figures of speech

FIGURE 9.1 Flowchart for Evaluating Your Word Choice

"The information provided is as follows. Question 1. Have you used an appropriate tone and level of diction? (To find out, imagine that you are talking to a member of your audience. Look for and circle any words or phrases that seem too formal or too informal, especially any slang or jargon.) If yes, proceed to Question 2. If no, use this revision strategy: (Bullet) Replace circled words and phrases with language appropriate for your audience. Question 2: Have you chosen words with appropriate connotations? (To find out, look for and circle any words whose connotations do not fit your intended meaning and whose connotations you are unsure of.) If yes, proceed to Question 3. If no, use this revision strategy: (Bullet) Check a dictionary, if necessary, and replace circled words with more appropriate words. Question 3: Is your language concrete and specific? (To find out, look for and circle any general, vague words that contribute little or no meaning.) If yes, proceed to Question 4. If no, use this revision strategy: (Bullet) Replace circled words with concrete, specific words. Question 4: Have you used fresh, appropriate figures of speech? (To find out, look for and underline any expressions that sound trite or overused.) If no, use this revision strategy: (Bullet) Replace the underlined expressions with fresh and appropriate figures of speech. "

Are Your Tone and Level of Diction Appropriate?

Imagine that as a technician at a computer software company, you discover a time-saving shortcut for installing the company’s best-selling software program. Your supervisor asks you to describe your discovery and how it works for two audiences — your fellow technicians at the company and customers who might purchase the program. Would you say the same thing in the same way? Definitely not. Your writing would differ not only in content but also in tone and level of diction. The writing addressed to the other technicians would be technical and concise, explaining how to use the shortcut and why it works. The writing directed to customers would praise the discovery, mention the time customers will save, and explain in nontechnical terms how to use the shortcut.

Tone refers to how you sound to your readers. Your word choice should be consistent with your tone. When writing to the technicians, you would use a direct, matter-of-fact tone. When writing to the customers, your tone would be enthusiastic. There are three common levels of diction: formal, popular, and informal.

For more about tone, see “Analyze the Author’s Tone” in Chapter 3.

HOW WRITERS READ

TONE

Formal diction

The formal level of diction is serious and dignified. Think of it as the kind of language that judges use in interpreting laws, presidents employ when greeting foreign dignitaries, or speakers choose for commencement addresses. Formal diction is often written in the third person, tends to include long sentences and multisyllabic words, and contains no slang or contractions. It has a slow, rhythmic flow and an authoritative, distant, and impersonal tone. Here is an example taken from The Federalist, No. 51, a political tract written by James Madison in 1788 to explain constitutional theory:

It is of great importance in a republic, not only to guard the society against the oppression of its rulers, but to guard one part of the society against the injustice of the other part. Different interests necessarily exist in different classes of citizens. If a majority be united by a common interest, the rights of the minority will be insecure.

Formal diction is also used in scholarly publications, operation manuals, and most academic fields. Notice in the following excerpt from a chemistry textbook that the language is concise, exact, and marked by specialized terms, called jargon, used within the particular field of study. The examples of jargon are in italics.

A catalyst is classified as homogeneous if it is present in the same phase as that of the reactants. For reactants that are gases, a homogeneous catalyst is also a gas.

— Atkins and Perkins, Chemistry: Molecules, Matter, and Change

Popular diction

Popular, or casual, diction is common in magazines and newspapers. It sounds more conversational and personal than formal diction. In popular diction, sentences tend to be shorter and less varied than in formal diction. The first person (I, me, mine, we) or second person (you, your) may be used. Consider this example taken from a popular arts magazine, Paste:

“Concert for George” pays tribute to not only one of the greatest musicians in history, but one of the freakin’ Beatles.

— Wyndham Wyeth, “The 11 Best Concert Films”

Informal diction

Informal diction, also known as colloquial language, is the language of everyday speech and conversation. It is friendly and casual. Contractions (wasn’t, I’ll), slang expressions (selfie, YOLO, tat), sentence fragments, and first-person and second-person pronouns are all common. Informal diction should not be used in essays and academic writing, except when it is part of a quotation or a block of dialogue. Also inappropriate for essays and academic writing is the use of language shortcuts typically used in email and texting. These include abbreviations (u for you, r for are) and emojis .

Here is an example of informal diction. Notice the use of the first person, slang expressions, and a loose sentence structure.

This guy in my history class is a psycho. He doesn’t let anybody talk but him. I mean, this guy interrupts all the time. Never raises his hand. He drives us nuts — what a loser.

Diction in academic writing

When you write academic papers, essays, and exams, you should use formal diction and avoid flowery or wordy language. Here are some guidelines:

✵ Use the third person (he, she, it) rather than the first person (I, we), unless you are expressing a personal opinion.

✵ Use standard vocabulary, not slang or a regional or ethnic dialect.

✵ Use correct grammar, spelling, and punctuation.

✵ Aim for a clear, direct, and forthright tone.

One of the most common mistakes students make in academic writing is trying too hard to sound “academic.” Be sure to avoid writing stiff, overly formal sentences, using big words just for the sake of it, and expressing ideas indirectly.

INAPPROPRIATE DICTION

Who among us would be so bold as to venture to deny that inequities are rampant in our ailing health- and medical-care system? People of multiethnic composition overwhelmingly receive health care that is not only beneath the standard one would expect, but even in some cases threatening to their very lives. An abundance of research studies and clinical trials prove beyond a doubt that a person of non-European descent residing in the United States of America cannot rely on doctors, nurses, physician assistants, nurse practitioners, and other health-care workers to provide treatment free of invidious discrimination.

Language is stiff and pompous.

REVISED DICTION

Who can deny that inequities are common in our ailing medical care system? Racial and ethnic minorities receive health care that is substandard and in some cases life-threatening. Many research studies and clinical trials demonstrate that minorities in the United States cannot rely on doctors, nurses, physician assistants, nurse practitioners, and other health-care workers to provide unbiased treatment.

Language is formal but clear.

EXERCISE 9.7

Revise the following informal statement by giving it a more formal level of diction:

My first trip to Los Angeles was amazing! We hung out with surfer dudes and seals in Malibu, checked out Marilyn Monroe’s hand prints outside Grauman’s Chinese Theatre, bumped into Donald Duck at Disney Land, and a whole lot more. Really, we couldn’t have had a more awesome vacation.

Do You Use Words with Appropriate Connotations?

Many words have two levels of meaning — a denotative meaning and a connotative meaning. A word’s denotation is its precise dictionary definition. For example, the denotative meaning of the word mother is “female parent.” A word’s connotation is the collection of feelings and attitudes the word evokes — its emotional colorings or shades of meaning. A word’s connotation may vary from one person to another. One common connotation of mother is a warm, caring person. Some people, however, may think of a mother as someone with strong authoritarian control. Similarly, the phrase horror films may conjure up memories of scary but fun-filled evenings for some people and terrifying experiences for others.

Since the connotations of words can elicit a wide range of responses, be sure the words you choose convey only the meanings you intend. In each pair of words that follows, notice that the two words have a similar denotation but different connotations:

For more about analyzing connotative meanings, see “Consider Denotation versus Connotation” in Chapter 3.

EXERCISE 9.8

Describe the different connotations of the three words in each group of words.

1. crowd/mob/gathering

2. proverb/motto/saying

3. prudent/penny-pinching/frugal

4. token/gift/keepsake

5. display/show/expose

Do You Use Concrete Language?

Specific words convey much more information than general words. The following examples show how you might move from general to specific word choices:

Concrete words add life and meaning to your writing. In each of the following sentence pairs, notice how the underlined words in the first sentence provide little information, whereas those in the second sentence provide interesting details.

Suppose you are writing about a shopping mall that has outlived its usefulness. Instead of saying “a number of stores were unoccupied, and those that were still in business were shabby,” you could describe the mall in concrete, specific terms that would enable your readers to visualize it.

The vacant storefronts with “For Rent” signs plastered across the glass, the half-empty racks in the stores that were still open, and the empty corridors suggested that the mall was soon to close.

EXERCISE 9.9

Revise the following sentences by adding concrete, specific details:

1. The book I took on vacation was exciting reading.

2. The students watched as the instructor entered the lecture hall.

3. The vase in the museum was an antique.

4. At the crime scene, the reporter questioned the witnesses.

5. Although the shop was closed, we expected someone to return at any moment.

Do You Use Fresh, Appropriate Figures of Speech?

A figure of speech is a word or phrase that makes sense imaginatively or creatively but not literally. For example, if you say “the movie was a roller coaster ride,” you do not mean the movie was an actual ride. Rather, you mean it was thrilling, just like a ride on a roller coaster. This figure of speech, like many others, compares two seemingly unlike objects or situations by finding one point of similarity.

For more on figures of speech, see “Description Uses Comparison” in Chapter 12.

Fresh and imaginative figures of speech can help you create vivid images for your readers. However, overused figures of speech can detract from your essay. Be sure to avoid clichés (trite or overused expressions) such as blind as a bat, green with envy, bite the bullet, or sick as a dog.

Three common figures of speech are simile, metaphor, and personification. A simile uses words such as like or as to make a direct comparison of two unlike things.

The child acts like a tiger.

The noise in a crowded high school cafeteria is as deafening as a caucus of crows.

A metaphor also compares unlike things but does not use like or as. Instead, the comparison is implied.

That child is a tiger.

If you’re born in America with black skin, you’re born in prison.

— Malcolm X, “Interview”

Personification describes an idea or object by giving it human qualities.

A sailboat devours money.

In this example, the ability to eat is ascribed to an inanimate object, the sailboat.

When you edit an essay, look for and eliminate overused figures of speech, replacing them with creative, fresh images. If you have not used any figures of speech, look instead for descriptions that could be improved by using a simile, a metaphor, or personification.

EXERCISE 9.10

Invent fresh figures of speech for two items in the following list:

1. Parents of a newborn baby

2. A lengthy supermarket line or a traffic jam

3. A relative’s old refrigerator

4. A man and woman obviously in love

5. Your team’s star quarterback or important player

ESSAY IN PROGRESS 2

For the essay you worked on in Essay in Progress 1, use Figure 9.1 to evaluate and edit your word choice.

Proofread Carefully

When you are satisfied with your edited words and sentences, you are ready for the final step of the writing process — proofreading. By proofreading, you make sure your essay is error free and presented in acceptable manuscript format. Your goals are to catch and correct surface errors — such as errors in grammar, punctuation, spelling, and mechanics — as well as keyboarding or typographical errors. An essay that is free of surface errors gives readers a favorable impression of the essay and of you as its writer.

Spotting errors is easier when working with a clean, printed copy, so start with a fresh printout. Do not attempt to work with a previously marked-up copy or on a computer screen. Be sure to double-space the copy to allow room to mark corrections between lines.

Use the following suggestions to produce an error-free essay:

1. Review your paper once for each type of error. Because it is difficult to spot all types of surface errors simultaneously, read your essay several times, each time focusing on one error type — errors in spelling, punctuation, grammar, mechanics, and so on. Then read once more, focusing on just the errors you make most often. (Keep a list of your most common errors in your writing journal, and update it as each assignment is returned.)

2. Read your essay backward, from the last sentence to the first. Reading in this way will help you spot errors without being distracted by the flow of ideas.

3. Use the spell-check and grammar-check functions cautiously. The spell-check function can help you spot some — but not all — spelling and keyboarding errors. For example, it cannot detect the difference in meaning between there and their or to and too. Similarly, the grammar-check function can identify only certain kinds of errors and is not a reliable substitute for a careful proofreading.

4. Read your essay aloud. By reading aloud slowly, you can catch certain errors that sound awkward, such as missing words, errors in verb tense, and errors in the singular or plural forms of nouns.

5. Ask a classmate to proofread your paper. Another reader may spot errors you have overlooked.

STUDENTS WRITE

Recall that Latrisha Wilson’s essay, “No Place Left for Privacy,” was developed, drafted, and revised in the Students Write sections of Chapters 5, 6, 7, and 8. Below is a body paragraph from a second draft of Wilson’s essay with her final editing and proofreading changes shown. The reasons for each change, identified by number, are noted in the margin. The final draft of Wilson’s essay, with these changes incorporated into it, appears in the “Students Write” for Chapter 8 (pp. 198—200).

"Original paragraph with key numbers: The NSA [1] isn’t the only organization to be [2] spying on us [3] another kind of surveillance, a kind [2] that [4] doesn’t always [2] make top press, is the kind of [4] eavesdropping that companies [2] like Google, [5] and other [6] companies regularly do on their users. Google software [1] automatically scans the content of all Gmail for keywords and phrases [4] and they [2] then must get sold or rented to other companies, [5] because [7] I regularly see targeted advertizements [8] related to what they've written about: [7] If I wish [7] my friend “Happy Birthday!” [7] I now see advertizements [8] for party clowns, [5] and birthday packages. (See fig. 1.) Revised paragraph: The NSA, of course, isn’t the only organization spying on us. Another kind of surveillance, which doesn’t make top press, is the eavesdropping that Google and other communication service providers regularly do on their users. Google software, for example, automatically scans the content of all Gmail for keywords and phrases that then must get sold or rented to other companies because users of Gmail regularly see targeted advertisements related to what they’ve written about: If a user wishes her friend “Happy Birthday!” she now sees advertisements for party clowns and birthday packages. (See fig. 1.)"