Successful college writing, Eighth edition - Kathleen T. McWhorter 2020
Writing effective paragraphs
Strategies for writing essays
The photo shows people of all ages and genders cheerfully waving rainbow flags and holding banners. Colorful confetti floats in the air.
In this chapter you will learn to
✵ understand the structure of a paragraph
✵ write effective topic sentences
✵ select details that support the paragraph’s main idea
✵ use transitions and repetition effectively
Writing Quick Start
ANALYZE
The photograph above shows an annual event popular in many cities around the world, the Gay Pride Parade. Study the photograph and consider the mood or feelings of those participating in the event.
WRITE
Draft a sentence that captures the feelings you can identify in the photograph. Then write several more sentences that explain what details in the photograph reveal the feelings exhibited by the crowd.
CONNECT
In much the same way as a photograph does, a paragraph makes an overall impression, or main point, and includes details that support this main point. Your first sentence, or topic sentence, states the main idea, and the other sentences you write provide the details that support it.
Structure Your Paragraphs Effectively
A paragraph is a group of connected sentences that develop a single idea about a topic. Each paragraph in your essay should support your thesis and contribute to the overall meaning and effectiveness of your essay.
A well-developed paragraph contains
✵ a well-focused topic sentence
✵ specific supporting details
✵ transitions and strategic repetition that show how the ideas are related, within and across paragraphs.
When writing a paragraph using sources, you may need to include an additional sentence that interprets or explains the evidence provided in the paragraph.
For a paragraph to develop a single idea, it must have unity: It must stay focused on one idea, without switching or wandering from topic to topic. A paragraph also should be of a reasonable length, neither too short nor too long. Short paragraphs are often underdeveloped; long paragraphs may be difficult for readers to follow. Note that what is an appropriate length may change across genres (or types) of writing — college essays usually have longer paragraphs than newspaper articles, and scholarly articles usually have longer paragraphs than college essays.
Here is a sample paragraph from a college textbook with its parts labeled:
Topic sentence: Main idea
Repetition: Key terms
Transitions: Guideposts
Audiences gather with varying degrees of willingness to hear a speaker. Some are anxious to hear the speaker, and may even have paid a substantial admission price. The “lecture circuit,” for example, is a most lucrative aspect of public life. But whereas some audiences are willing to pay to hear a speaker, others don’t seem to care one way or the other. Other audiences need to be persuaded to listen (or at least to sit in the audience). Still other audiences gather because they have to. For example, negotiations on a union contract may require members to attend meetings where officers give speeches.
— DeVito, The Essential Elements of Public Speaking
Notice how the writer repeats the words audience(s) and speaker, along with the synonyms lecture and speeches, to help tie the paragraph to the idea in the topic sentence. To visualize the structure of a well-developed paragraph, see Graphic Organizer 6.1.
GRAPHIC ORGANIZER 6.1 The Structure of a Paragraph
"The following information is provided. Topic Sentence (Bullet) Identifies what the paragraph is about (Bullet) Makes a point about the topic (Bullet) Connects to the previous paragraph Supporting Details (Bullet) Explain the topic sentence (Bullet) Support the topic sentence with evidence, such as examples, facts, statistics, personal experience, and definitions Concluding or Transitional Sentence (Bullet) Draws the paragraph to a close, or (Bullet) Leads to the next paragraph. "
Write Effective Topic Sentences
A topic sentence is to a paragraph what a thesis statement is to an essay. Just as a thesis announces the main point of an essay, a topic sentence states the main point of a paragraph. In addition, each paragraph’s topic sentence must support the thesis of the essay. An effective topic sentence should be focused, support the thesis, and be placed appropriately (usually at the beginning of the paragraph).
A Topic Sentence Should Be Focused
A topic sentence should make clear what the paragraph is about (its topic) and express a view or make a point about the topic.
"The sentence reads, “Shocking behavior by fans, including rudeness and violent language, has become common at many sporting events.” In the above sentence, the phrase ""Shocking behavior by fans"" is identified as the topic, and ""has become common at many sporting events"" is identified as a point about the topic."
A topic sentence should use specific and detailed language to tell readers what the paragraph is about. Vague, general, or unfocused statements should be avoided.
Unfocused |
Some members of minority groups do not approve of affirmative action. |
Focused |
Some members of minority groups disapprove of affirmative action because it implies that they are not capable of obtaining employment based on their own accomplishments. |
Unfocused |
Many students believe that hate groups shouldn’t be allowed on campus. |
Focused |
The neo-Nazis, a group that promotes hate crimes, should not be permitted to speak in our local community college because they encourage hostility toward Jewish, nonwhite, and immigrant students and community members. |
If you have trouble focusing your topic sentences, review the guidelines for writing an effective thesis statement in Chapter 5, many of which also apply to writing effective topic sentences.
A Topic Sentence May Preview the Organization of the Paragraph
A topic sentence may suggest the order in which details are discussed in the paragraph, so readers know what to expect.
Teaching employees how to handle conflicts through both
"The sentence reads, ""Teaching employees how to handle conflicts through both anger management and mediation is essential in high-stress jobs."" In the above sentence, ""anger management"" is identified as detail 1, and ""mediation"" is identified as detail 2."
Readers can expect a discussion of anger management first, followed by a discussion of mediation.
EXERCISE 6.1
WORKING WITH TOPIC SENTENCES
Revise each of the following topic sentences to make it focused and specific. At least two of your revised topic sentences should also preview the organization of the paragraph.
1. In society today, there is always a new fad or fashion in clothing.
2. People watch reality television shows because they find them irresistible.
3. Body art is popular.
4. Procrastinating can have a negative effect on your success in college.
5. In our state, the lottery is a big issue.
A Topic Sentence Should Support Your Thesis
Each topic sentence must in some way explain the thesis or show why the thesis is believable or correct. For example, this sample thesis could be supported by the topic sentences that follow it:
THESIS
Adoption files should not be made available to adult children who are seeking their biological parents.
TOPIC SENTENCES
✵ Research has shown that not all biological parents want to meet with the sons or daughters they gave up many years before.
✵ If a woman gives up a child for adoption, it is probable that she does not ever intend to have a relationship with that child.
✵ Adult children who try to contact their biological parents often meet resistance and even hostility, which can cause them to feel hurt and rejected.
✵ A woman who gave up her biological child because she became pregnant as a result of rape or incest should not have to live in fear that her child will one day confront her.
All of these topic sentences support the thesis because they offer valid reasons for keeping adoption files closed.
EXERCISE 6.2
USING TOPIC SENTENCES TO SUPPORT A THESIS
For each of the following thesis statements, identify the topic sentence in the list below it that does not support the thesis.
1. To make a marriage work, a couple must build trust, communication, and understanding.
a. Knowing why a spouse behaves as he or she does can improve a relationship.
b. People get married for reasons other than love.
c. The ability to talk about feelings, problems, likes, and dislikes should grow as a marriage develops.
d. Marital partners must rely on each other to make sensible decisions that benefit both of them.
2. Internet sales are capturing a larger market share relative to in-store sales.
a. Internet retailers that target a specific audience tend to be most successful.
b. The convenience of ordering any time of day or night has increased Internet sales.
c. Many customers use PayPal for online purchases.
d. Websites that locate and compare prices for a specified item make comparison shopping easier on the Internet than in retail stores.
A Topic Sentence Should Be Strategically Placed
The beginning of the paragraph is the most common and often the best position for a topic sentence: You state your main point, and then you explain it. The topic sentence tells readers what to expect in the rest of the paragraph, making it clear and easy for them to follow.
Advertising is first and foremost based on the principle of visibility — the customer must notice the product. Manufacturers often package products in glitzy, even garish, containers to grab the consumer’s attention. For example, one candy company always packages its candy in reflective wrappers. When the hurried and hungry consumer glances at the candy counter, the reflective wrappers are easy to spot. It is only natural for the impatient customer to grab the candy and go.
Topic sentence: Appears at beginning of paragraph
When one or two sentences are needed at the beginning of a paragraph to smooth the transition from one paragraph to the next, the topic sentence may follow these transitional sentences.
However, visibility is not the only principle in advertising; it is simply the first. A second and perhaps more subtle principle is identity: The manufacturer attempts to lure the consumer into buying a product by linking it to a concept with which the consumer can identify. For instance, Boundaries perfume is advertised on television as the choice of “independent” women. Since independent women are admired in our culture, women identify with the concept and therefore are attracted to the perfume. Once the consumer identifies with the product, a sale is more likely to occur.
Topic sentence: Appears after transitional sentence, before example
If you want to present convincing evidence before stating your point about the issue, you may want to save your topic sentence until the end of the paragraph. This allows readers to draw their own conclusions based on the details you have provided. This strategy is common in argumentative writing (especially when readers may not be sympathetic to the writer’s position).
The saying “Guns don’t kill people; people kill people” is deceptive in the same way that the statement “Heroin doesn’t kill people; people kill themselves” is deceptive. Naturally, people need to pull the trigger of a gun to make the gun kill other people, just as it is necessary for people to use heroin for it to kill them. However, these facts do not excuse us from the responsibility of keeping guns (or heroin) out of people’s hands as much as possible. People cannot shoot people unless they have a gun. This fact alone should persuade the government to institute stiff gun control laws.
Topic sentence: Follows evidence
ESSAY IN PROGRESS 1
For an essay that you have written for this or another class, evaluate each of your topic sentences for content and placement. Revise as needed to make each more effective.
HOW WRITERS READ
PARAGRAPHS
Use these strategies to understand and remember what you read: |
|
WHILE READING |
✵ Identify the paragraph’s topic, or main idea, and the position or point of view the writer wants to express about the topic. (This is usually conveyed by the topic sentence, but may be implied.) ✵ Use transitional words and phrases to guide you from one detail to another and to alert you when the author moves on to a new idea. Transitions may even signal what kind of idea (an example, a contradictory fact, a further explanation) is to follow and which supporting ideas are most important. |
AFTER READING |
✵ Test your understanding and recall of the paragraph’s main point by paraphrasing the topic sentence (expressing it in your own words) without looking at the paragraph. |
Include Supporting Details
In addition to including well-focused topic sentences, effective paragraphs are unified and well developed — they provide relevant details that support the main point.
Effective Paragraphs Have Unity
A paragraph has unity when all of the sentences directly support the topic sentence. Including details that are not relevant to the topic sentence makes your paragraph unclear and distracts your reader from the point you are making. To identify irrelevant details, evaluate each sentence by asking the following questions:
1. Does this sentence directly explain the topic sentence? What new information does it add?
2. Would any essential information be lost if this sentence were deleted? (If not, delete it.)
3. Is this information distracting or unimportant? (If so, delete it.)
The following sample paragraph lacks unity. As you read it, try to identify the sentences that do not support the topic sentence.
PARAGRAPH LACKING UNITY
(1) Much of the violence we see in the world today may be caused by the emphasis on violence in the media. (2) More often than not, the front page of the local newspaper contains stories involving violence. (3) In fact, one recent issue of my local newspaper contained seven references to violent acts. (4) There is also violence in public school systems. (5) Television reporters frequently hasten to crime and accident scenes and film every grim, violent detail. (6) The other day, there was a drive-by shooting downtown. (7) If the media were a little more careful about the ways in which they glamorize violence, there might be less violence in the world today and children would be less influenced by it.
Topic sentence: Main idea
Although sentences 4 and 6 deal with the broad topic of violence, neither is directly related to the main point stated in the topic sentence. Both should be deleted.
EXERCISE 6.3
PRACTICING PARAGRAPH UNITY
Alone or in a group of two or three students, read each paragraph and identify the sentences that do not support the double underscored topic sentence.
1. (a) Today many options and services for the elderly are available that did not exist years ago. (b) My grandmother is eighty-five years old now. (c) Adult care for the elderly is now provided in many parts of the country. (d) Similar to day care, adult care provides places where the elderly can go for meals and social activities. (e) Retirement homes for the elderly, where they can live fairly independently with minimal supervision, are another option. (f) My grandfather is also among the elderly at eighty-two. (g) Even many nursing homes have changed so that residents are afforded some level of privacy and independence while their needs are being met.
2. (a) Just as history repeats itself, fashions have a tendency to do the same. (b) In the late 1960s, for example, women wore miniskirts that came several inches above the knee; some forty years later, the fashion magazines are featuring this same type of dress, and many teenagers are wearing them. (c) The miniskirt has always been flattering on slender women. (d) I wonder if the fashion industry deliberately recycles fashions. (e) Men wore their hair long in the hippie period of the late 1960s and 1970s. (f) Today, some men are again letting their hair grow. (g) Beards, considered “in” during the 1970s, have once again made an appearance.
Effective Paragraphs Are Well Developed
A well-developed paragraph should include enough supporting details to demonstrate that the topic sentence is accurate and believable. Compare the two paragraphs below.
UNDERDEVELOPED PARAGRAPH
(1)Email and texting are important technological advances, but they have hidden limitations, even dangers. It is too easy to avoid talking to people face to face. (2)Emailing and texting can be addictive, too. Plus, they encourage ordinary people to ignore others while typing on a keyboard.
(1) Does not explain why email and text messaging are important
(2) Does not provide any evidence of how or why they can be addictive
DEVELOPED PARAGRAPH
Email and texting are important technological advances, but they have hidden limitations, even dangers. (1)While email and texting allow fast and efficient communication and exchange of information, they provide a different quality of human interaction. It is too easy to avoid talking to people. It is easier to click on a phone number and text a friend to see if she wants to meet for dinner than it would be actually to talk to her. In fact, using these services can become addictive. (2)For example, some students on campus are obsessed with checking their email and sending, reading, or checking for texts many times throughout the day, even during class lectures and small group discussions. They spend their free time texting with acquaintances across the country while ignoring interesting people right in the same room. (3)There is something to be said for talking with a person who is sitting next to you and responding to his or her expressions, gestures, and tone of voice.
(1) States reason that emailing and texting are disadvantageous
(2) Provides further information about the addictive qualities of texting and email
(3) Explains the qualities of face-to-face interaction that are absent from email and texting
The first paragraph has skeletal ideas that support the topic sentence, but it does not explain those ideas. The second paragraph fleshes out the ideas by providing examples and explanations.
To discover if your paragraphs are well developed, ask yourself the following questions:
✵ Have I provided enough evidence to achieve my purpose?
✵ Have I given my readers enough information to make my ideas understandable and believable?
✵ Have I provided the amount and type of evidence that readers of a college essay will expect?
✵ Do I jump quickly from one idea to another without explaining each idea first? (Reading your essay aloud, or asking a friend to do so, can help you hear gaps.)
To develop your paragraphs further, you can use a prewriting strategy or do some research to find supporting evidence for your topic sentence. The same types of evidence that can be used to support a thesis can be used to develop a paragraph.
To learn more about prewriting strategies, see Chapter 4; for more on research, see Part 5; for a list of evidence that can be used to support a paragraph, see Table 5.1.
EXERCISE 6.4
USING EVIDENCE TO DEVELOP A PARAGRAPH
Use Table 5.1 (p. 130) to suggest the type or types of evidence that might be used to develop a paragraph based on each of the following topic sentences:
1. Many people have fallen prey to fad diets, risking their health and jeopardizing their mental well-being.
2. One can distinguish experienced soccer players from rookies by obvious signs.
3. To begin a jogging routine, take a relaxed but deliberate approach.
4. The interlibrary loan system is a fast and convenient method for obtaining print materials from libraries affiliated with the campus library.
5. Southwest Florida’s rapid population growth poses a serious threat to its freshwater supply.
EXERCISE 6.5
USING DETAILS TO DEVELOP A PARAGRAPH
Create a well-developed paragraph by adding details to the following paragraph:
Although it is convenient, online shopping provides a less satisfying experience than shopping in an actual store. You don’t get the same opportunity to see and feel objects. Also, you can miss out on other important information. There is much that you miss. If you enjoy shopping, turn off your computer and support your local merchants.
Effective Paragraphs Provide Supporting Details and Arrange Them Logically
The evidence you provide to support your topic sentences should be concrete and specific. Specific details interest your readers and make your meaning clear and forceful. Compare the following two examples:
VAGUE
Many people are confused about the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist. Both have a license, but a psychiatrist has more education than a psychologist. Also, a psychiatrist can prescribe medication.
General statements do not completely explain the topic sentence.
CONCRETE AND SPECIFIC
Many people are confused about the difference between psychiatrists and psychologists. Both are licensed by the state to practice psychotherapy. However, a psychiatrist has earned a degree from medical school and can also practice medicine. Additionally, a psychiatrist can prescribe psychotropic medications. A psychologist, on the other hand, usually has earned a Ph.D. but has not attended medical school and therefore cannot prescribe medication of any type.
Concrete details make clear the distinction between the two terms.
To make your paragraphs concrete and specific, use the following guidelines:
1. Focus on who, what, when, where, how, and why questions. Ask yourself these questions about your supporting details, and use the answers to expand and revise your paragraph.
Vague |
Some animals hibernate for part of the year. (What animals? When do they hibernate?) |
Specific |
Some bears hibernate for three to four months each winter. |
2. Name names. Include the names of people, places, brands, and objects.
Vague |
When my sixty-three-year-old aunt was refused a job, she became an angry victim of age discrimination. |
Specific |
When my sixty-three-year-old Aunt Angela was refused a job at Vicki’s Nail Salon, she became an angry victim of age discrimination. |
3. Use action verbs. Select strong verbs that help your readers visualize the action.
Vague |
When Silina came on stage, the audience became excited. |
Specific |
When Silina burst onto the stage, the audience screamed, cheered, and chanted, “Silina, Silina!” |
4. Use descriptive language that appeals to the senses (sight, sound, smell, taste, touch). Words that appeal to the senses help your readers feel as if they are observing or participating in the experience you are describing.
Vague |
It’s relaxing to walk on the beach. |
Specific |
I unwound as I walked in the sand, breathing in the smell of the salt water and listening to the rhythmic sound of the waves. |
5. Use adjectives and adverbs. Carefully chosen adjectives and adverbs in your description of a person, place, or experience can make your writing more concrete.
Vague |
As I weeded my garden, I let my eyes wander over the meadow sweets and hydrangeas, all the while listening to the chirping of a cardinal. |
Specific |
As I slowly weeded my perennial garden, I let my eyes wander over the pink meadow sweets and blue hydrangeas, all the while listening absent-mindedly to the chirping of a bright red cardinal. |
The details in a paragraph should also follow a logical order. You might arrange the details from most to least (or least to most) important, in chronological order, or in spatial order.
For more on organization, see “Organize Your Supporting Details” in Chapter 7.
EXERCISE 6.6
PROVIDING CONCRETE, SPECIFIC DETAILS
Alone or in a group of two or three students, revise and expand each sentence in the following paragraph to make it specific and concrete. Feel free to add new information and new sentences, and be sure to arrange the supporting details logically.
I saw a great concert the other night in Dallas. Two groups were performing. The music was great, and there was a large crowd. In fact, the crowd was so enthusiastic that the second group performed an hour longer than scheduled.
ESSAY IN PROGRESS 2
For the essay you worked with in Essay in Progress 1, evaluate the supporting details you used in each paragraph. Revise as necessary to make each paragraph unified and logically organized. Make sure you have provided concrete, specific details.
Academic Writing: Crafting a Research “Sandwich”
In academic writing, supporting paragraphs generally follow a standard “sandwich” pattern: The writer’s own ideas are like the bread — they begin and end the paragraph — and the evidence is like the filling (the turkey, peanut butter, or what have you).
Think of the top “slice” as the writer’s main point (or claim) — what the paragraph will be about. This top section (which can be just one sentence or several sentences) may also provide a transition from the previous paragraph, put the source in context, or tell readers why the claim is important.
The “filling” (the middle portion of the paragraph) presents the evidence that supports the writer’s claim. This information may come from one source, several sources, or the writer’s own research study or experiment.
See Chapter 5 and Chapter 23.
The bottom “slice” (the last part of the paragraph) holds the “sandwich” together by commenting on, interpreting, or discussing the research information. This part of the paragraph makes clear what the evidence means, why it is relevant, and how it supports the writer’s point.
Here is an example from paragraph 2 of Arun Vishwanath’s essay “Why Do So Many People Fall for Fake Profiles Online?” in Chapter 2.
Author’s claim
Evidence from author’s research
Significance of research
When I interviewed the real people my fake profiles had targeted, the most important thing I found was that users fundamentally believe there is a person behind each profile. People told me they had thought the profile belonged to someone they knew, or possibly someone a friend knew. Not one person ever suspected the profile was a complete fabrication, expressly created to deceive them. Mistakenly thinking each friend request has come from a real person may cause people to accept friend requests simply to be polite and not hurt someone else’s feelings — even if they’re not sure they know the person. (para. 2)
In some academic writing, this sandwich pattern may occur over several paragraphs, or an entire section, instead of just a single paragraph. Keep this pattern in mind the next time you are asked to use evidence to support your point — and the next time you read a selection based on research.
Use Transitions and Repetition
All the details in a paragraph must fit together and function as a connected unit of information. When a paragraph has coherence, its ideas flow smoothly, allowing readers to follow its progression with ease. Two useful devices for linking details are transitions and repetition of key terms.
Transitions are words, phrases, or clauses that lead your reader from one idea to another. Think of transitions as guideposts, or signals, of what is coming next in a paragraph. Some commonly used transitions are shown in Table 6.1, which groups transitions according to the type of connections they show.
TABLE 6.1 Commonly Used Transitional Expressions |
|
Type of Connection |
Transitions |
Logical Connections |
|
Items in a series |
then, first, second, next, another, furthermore, finally, as well as |
Illustration |
for instance, for example, namely, that is |
Result or cause |
consequently, therefore, so, hence, thus, then, as a result |
Restatement |
in other words, that is, in simpler terms |
Summary or conclusion |
finally, in conclusion, to sum up, all in all, evidently, actually |
Similarity/agreement |
similarly, likewise, in the same way |
Difference/opposition |
but, however, on the contrary, nevertheless, neither, nor, on the one/other hand, still, yet |
Spatial Connections |
|
Direction |
inside/outside, along, above/below, up/down, across, to the right/left, in front of/behind |
Nearness |
next to, near, nearby, facing, adjacent to |
Distance |
beyond, in the distance, away, over there |
Time Connections |
|
Frequency |
often, frequently, now and then, gradually, week by week, occasionally, daily, rarely |
Duration |
during, briefly, hour by hour |
Reference to a particular time |
at two o’clock, on April 27, in 2010, last Thanksgiving, three days ago |
Beginning |
before then, at the beginning, at first |
Middle |
meanwhile, simultaneously, next, then, at that time |
End |
finally, at last, eventually, later, at the end, subsequently, afterward |
In the two examples that follow, notice that the first paragraph is disjointed and choppy because it lacks transitions. The revised version is more coherent and therefore easier to follow.
WITHOUT TRANSITIONS
Most films are structured much like a short story. The film begins with an opening scene that captures the audience’s attention. The writers build up tension, preparing for the climax of the story. They complicate the situation by revealing other elements of the plot, perhaps by introducing a surprise or additional characters. They introduce a problem. It will be solved either for the betterment or to the detriment of the characters and the situation. A resolution brings the film to a close.
WITH TRANSITIONS
Repetition: Key terms
Transitions: Guideposts
Most films are structured much like a short story. The film begins with an opening scene that captures the audience’s attention. Gradually, the writers build up tension, preparing for the climax of the story. Soon after the first scene, they complicate the situation by revealing other elements of the plot, perhaps by introducing a surprise or additional characters. Next, they introduce a problem. Eventually, the problem will be solved either for the betterment or to the detriment of the characters and the situation. Finally, a resolution brings the film to a close.
Notice that the repetition of key terms (film[s], writers), as well as pronouns that stand in for the key terms (they for writers), also lends coherence to the paragraph.
ESSAY IN PROGRESS 3
For the essay you worked with in Essay in Progress 2, evaluate your use of transitions within each paragraph, adding them where needed to make the relationship among your ideas clearer.
STUDENTS WRITE
Chapters 4 to 7 show Latrisha Wilson’s progress in planning and drafting an essay on surveillance. Below you can see her first-draft paragraph (also included in Chapter 7 as part of her first draft essay), and her revision to strengthen the paragraph.
FIRST-DRAFT PARAGRAPH
Surveillance can refer to a thrilling activity, like the kind of spying on foreign terrorists that goes on in James Bond movies. But the truth is that most spying is done by surveillance computers.(1)And then there is surveillance by drones. (2, 3)Edward Snowden bounced around for weeks from one airport to another, and lived for a while in the Moscow airport, eating who knows what and sleeping who knows where. (4)The NSA seems to be able to do whatever it wants without having to answer to anyone or suffer any consequences. But we can’t say the same for whistleblowers. (5)Just look what they did to Chelsea Manning! The US government aggressively pursued Snowden. The NSA is more and more aggressively protecting its own secrecy, by punishing whistleblowers, and lying to Congress, and it seems as if they are more concerned about themselves than the people they are spying on.(6)
(1) Transition needed
(2) Need to explain who Snowden is, what he did, and when; also add transition to make connection clear
(3) Snowden’s travels irrelevant
(4) Need to explain what NSA is, what it did
(5) Relevance of Chelsea Manning unclear; explain or delete
(6) Detail needed to support claim about spying by surveillance computers in topic sentence
REVISED PARAGRAPH
When the word surveillance comes up, people think of some thrilling and dangerous activity, like the spying on foreign terrorists that goes on in James Bond movies. But in the U.S. today, most spying isn’t done by handsome secret agents out to save the world; it’s done by surveillance computers, and they monitor U.S. citizens, not just foreign terrorists. For example, consider what we learned from the whistleblower Edward Snowden, who sacrificed his career as a contractor for the National Security Agency (NSA) to alert the public to the deals the NSA makes with companies like Microsoft, Facebook, and Verizon to collect personal information and monitor everything their customers do on the Internet or speak into a smartphone.
Analyzing the Writer’s Technique
1. Topic Sentence Identify Wilson’s topic sentence. How did she strengthen it in her revision?
2. Details What irrelevant details did she delete?
3. Transitions What transitions did she add to provide coherence?
4. Repetition What words are repeated, thus contributing to coherence?
5. Further Revision What further revisions do you recommend?
READING
Black Men and Public Space
Brent Staples
Brent Staples is a journalist who has written numerous articles and editorials as well as a memoir, Parallel Time: Growing Up in Black and White (1994). He holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a member of the New York Times editorial board and a regular contributor to its Commentary section. This essay, first published in Harper’s magazine in 1986, is a good model of a well-structured essay. As you read the selection, highlight or underline the author’s thesis.
Before Reading
1. Preview Use the steps listed in the “Preview” section in Chapter 2.
2. Connect What is public space, and how does our society expect us to behave there?
While Reading
Pay particular attention to how Staples structures his paragraphs.
1My first victim was a woman — white, well dressed, probably in her early twenties. I came upon her late one evening on a deserted street in Hyde Park, a relatively affluent neighborhood in an otherwise mean, impoverished section of Chicago. As I swung onto the avenue behind her, there seemed to be a discreet, uninflammatory distance between us. Not so. She cast back a worried glance. To her, the youngish black man — a broad six feet two inches with a beard and billowing hair, both hands shoved into the pockets of a bulky military jacket — seemed menacingly close. After a few more quick glimpses, she picked up her pace and was soon running in earnest. Within seconds she disappeared into a cross street.
2That was more than a decade ago. I was twenty-two years old, a graduate student newly arrived at the University of Chicago. It was in the echo of that terrified woman’s footfalls that I first began to know the unwieldy inheritance I’d come into — the ability to alter public space in ugly ways. It was clear that she thought herself the quarry of a mugger, a rapist, or worse. Suffering a bout of insomnia, however, I was stalking sleep, not defenseless wayfarers. As a softy who is scarcely able to take a knife to a raw chicken — let alone hold one to a person’s throat — I was surprised, embarrassed, and dismayed all at once. Her flight made me feel like an accomplice in tyranny. It also made it clear that I was indistinguishable from the muggers who occasionally seeped into the area from the surrounding ghetto. That first encounter, and those that followed, signified that a vast, unnerving gulf lay between nighttime pedestrians — particularly women — and me. And I soon gathered that being perceived as dangerous is a hazard in itself. I only needed to turn a corner into a dicey situation, or crowd some frightened, armed person in a foyer somewhere, or make an errant move after being pulled over by a policeman. Where fear and weapons meet — and they often do in urban America — there is always the possibility of death.
3In that first year, my first away from my hometown, I was to become thoroughly familiar with the language of fear. At dark, shadowy intersections, I could cross in front of a car stopped at a traffic light and elicit the thunk, thunk, thunk, thunk of the driver — black, white, male, or female — hammering down the door locks. On less traveled streets after dark, I grew accustomed to but never comfortable with people crossing to the other side of the street rather than pass me. Then there were the standard unpleasantries with policemen, doormen, bouncers, cabdrivers, and others whose business it is to screen out troublesome individuals before there is any nastiness.
4I moved to New York nearly two years ago and I have remained an avid night walker. In central Manhattan, the near-constant crowd cover minimizes tense one-on-one street encounters. Elsewhere — in SoHo, for example, where sidewalks are narrow and tightly spaced buildings shut out the sky — things can get very taut indeed.
5After dark, on the warrenlike streets of Brooklyn where I live, I often see women who fear the worst from me. They seem to have set their faces on neutral, and with their purse straps strung across their chests bandolier-style, they forge ahead as though bracing themselves against being tackled. I understand, of course, that the danger they perceive is not a hallucination. Women are particularly vulnerable to street violence, and young black males are drastically overrepresented among the perpetrators of that violence. Yet these truths are no solace against the kind of alienation that comes of being ever the suspect, a fearsome entity with whom pedestrians avoid making eye contact.
6It is not altogether clear to me how I reached the ripe old age of twenty-two without being conscious of the lethality nighttime pedestrians attributed to me. Perhaps it was because in Chester, Pennsylvania, the small, angry industrial town where I came of age in the 1960s, I was scarcely noticeable against a backdrop of gang warfare, street knifings, and murders. I grew up one of the good boys, had perhaps a half-dozen fistfights. In retrospect, my shyness of combat has clear sources.
7As a boy, I saw countless tough guys locked away; I have since buried several, too. They were babies, really — a teenage cousin, a brother of twenty-two, a childhood friend in his mid-twenties — all gone down in episodes of bravado played out in the streets. I came to doubt the virtues of intimidation early on. I chose, perhaps unconsciously, to remain a shadow — timid, but a survivor.
8The fearsomeness mistakenly attributed to me in public places often has a perilous flavor. The most frightening of these confusions occurred in the late 1970s and early 1980s, when I worked as a journalist in Chicago. One day, rushing into the office of a magazine I was writing for with a deadline story in hand, I was mistaken for a burglar. The office manager called security and, with an ad hoc posse, pursued me through the labyrinthine halls, nearly to my editor’s door. I had no way of proving who I was. I could only move briskly toward the company of someone who knew me.
9Another time I was on assignment for a local paper and killing time before an interview. I entered a jewelry store on the city’s affluent Near North Side. The proprietor excused herself and returned with an enormous red Doberman pinscher straining at the end of a leash. She stood, the dog extended toward me, silent to my questions, her eyes bulging nearly out of her head. I took a cursory look around, nodded, and bade her good night.
10Relatively speaking, however, I never fared as badly as another black male journalist. He went to nearby Waukegan, Illinois, a couple of summers ago to work on a story about a murderer who was born there. Mistaking the reporter for the killer, police officers hauled him from his car at gunpoint and but for his press credentials would probably have tried to book him. Such episodes are not uncommon. Black men trade tales like this all the time.
11Over the years, I learned to smother the rage I felt at so often being taken for a criminal. Not to do so would surely have led to madness. I now take precautions to make myself less threatening. I move about with care, particularly late in the evening. I give a wide berth to nervous people on subway platforms during the wee hours, particularly when I have exchanged business clothes for jeans. If I happen to be entering a building behind some people who appear skittish, I may walk by, letting them clear the lobby before I return, so as not to seem to be following them. I have been calm and extremely congenial on those rare occasions when I’ve been pulled over by the police.
12And on late-evening constitutionals I employ what has proved to be an excellent tension-reducing measure: I whistle melodies from Beethoven and Vivaldi and the more popular classical composers. Even steely New Yorkers hunching toward nighttime destinations seem to relax, and occasionally they even join in the tune. Virtually everybody seems to sense that a mugger wouldn’t be warbling bright sunny selections from Vivaldi’s Four Seasons. It is my equivalent of the cowbell that hikers wear when they know they are in bear country.
Examining the Reading
1. Paraphrase Explain what Staples means by “the ability to alter public space” (para. 2).
2. Details Staples considers himself a “survivor” (para. 7). To what does he attribute his survival?
3. Examples What does Staples do to make himself seem less threatening to others?
4. Vocabulary Explain the meaning of each of the following words as it is used in the reading: uninflammatory (para. 1), unwieldy (2), vulnerable (5), retrospect (6), and constitutionals (12).
Analyzing the Writer’s Technique
1. Unity Analyze paragraph 3 of “Black Men and Public Space.” Does it have a topic sentence, and if so, where is the topic sentence placed? Does this paragraph effectively support Staples’s thesis? Do all the supporting details seem concrete and specific? Why or why not?
2. Supporting Details Identify several places in the essay where Staples uses specific, concrete supporting details effectively. Explain your choices.
3. Transitions and Repetition Cite several examples of effective transitional strategies. Write a paragraph explaining how they lend coherence to the essay. Identify any places in the essay where you think Staples could have made connections between paragraphs clearer.
Thinking Critically about the Reading
1. Word Choice Why did Staples choose the word victim in paragraph 1? What connotations does it have? What images does he create through its use?
2. Fact and Opinion Highlight the facts about what Staples sees during his night walks, and underline his opinions about what he sees. Evaluate the evidence for his interpretations and opinions and consider the following question: Is he also prejudging people?
3. Sources What other kinds of sources might Staples have considered in formulating his views? How would including such sources have changed his essay?
4. Tone Describe the tone of the essay. What effect does the tone have on you as a reader? How effective do you find it?
5. Omissions What information has Staples omitted that would help you further understand his thesis, if any?
Responding to the Reading
1. Reaction Why is Staples’s whistling of classical music similar to hikers wearing cowbells in bear country?
2. Discussion In what other ways can an individual “alter public space”?
3. Journal Do you think Staples should alter his behavior in public to accommodate the reactions of others? Write a journal entry explaining whether you agree or disagree with Staples’s actions.
4. Essay Staples describes himself as a “survivor” (para. 7) of the streets he grew up on. In a sense, everyone is a survivor of certain decisions or circumstances that, if played out differently, might have resulted in misfortune. Write an essay that explains how and why you or someone you know is a survivor.