The checklist in action: Before and after examples

The only business writing book you’ll ever need - Laura Brown, Rich Karlgaard 2019


The checklist in action: Before and after examples

Now that we’ve looked at all the steps one by one, let’s consider how you can use the entire checklist to improve your writing. We can start by reviewing some samples.

SAMPLE 1

Marie is working with two colleagues on developing a training program. She’s received some feedback from a colleague on an early draft of the program, which includes some video animations. Marie writes a quick draft of an e-mail to pass along the feedback to her team.

Original

To: Francesca Wilson

CC: Kristoffer Hansen

Subject: Claudia’s notes re animations

Hi,

Here are a few notes from Claudia’s review of the training course that might have a bearing on the animations:

1.It should be “IRS,” not “Internal Revenue” (not sure if we have this in the animations, but if we do, we should be consistent).

2.“Bn” or “billion”? (We use both.)

3.Should we number the parts of the framework? @Kris?

Ugh, will this ever end? Let me know what you think.

Thanks,

Marie

Checklist

Let’s see how Marie applies the checklist to this draft.

1. GET THE ASK CLEAR

On reviewing the draft, Marie realizes that it’s not really clear what she’s asking Francesca and Kristoffer to do. She needs to fix that. She also realizes that if she shares her own opinions now, the team might resolve the problem faster.

2. WRITE FOR YOUR READER

Marie has two readers, but she’s not asking the same thing of both. There’s a special request for Kristoffer, only it’s buried near the end of the message, where he might not see it if he’s in a hurry.

3. START STRONG AND SPECIFIC

Probably because the ask isn’t clear, the opening of the e-mail is mushy. Marie realizes that it will be easier for her readers if she spends a minute to organize the opening so they can skim it and understand what’s required of them.

4. BE CONCISE

Marie thinks the draft is pretty straightforward and not too wordy. But she realizes that the two parenthetical expressions—“not sure if we have this in the animations, but if we do, we should be consistent” and “We use both”—are self-evident. They’re a product of her “thinking aloud”—or in this case, “writing aloud”—and they can be deleted.

5. FILL IN MISSING CONTENT; DELETE EXTRANEOUS CONTENT

Marie recalls that there’s an important deadline hanging around behind the scenes: if they want changes in the animation, they have to let the vendor know by Thursday, October 8, to stay on schedule. In her rush to pass along Claudia’s comments, she’s lost sight of this. She decides that this information belongs in the opening of the e-mail.

6. WRITE IN PLAIN ENGLISH

Marie determines that her draft isn’t laden with jargon and is okay as it is. I agree.

7. IF SOMETHING FEELS WRONG, FIX IT

When she reads through the draft, Marie realizes that she’s uncomfortable with her remark “Ugh, will this ever end?” She’s sure her readers feel the same frustration, but on reflection the comment seems unprofessional, so she deletes it. If she’s going to vent, it’s better to do it in person.

Revision

To: Francesca Wilson, Kristoffer Hansen

Subject: Claudia’s notes: decision needed by 10/7 for animations

Hi,

Claudia sent me the following notes on the training course that might have a bearing on the animations. My suggestions are in parentheses—let me know if you agree. @Kris, we need you to answer #3. We need to send any changes to VideoCraft by Thursday, 10/8, so please get back to me with your comments by 10/7.

1.It should be “IRS,” not “Internal Revenue” (I’ll check if this applies to the animations and make needed changes).

2.“Bn” or “billion”? (Let’s use “billion” throughout.)

3.Should we number the parts of the framework? (I think no; why add complexity? @Kris?)

Take care,

Marie

Debrief

Marie used the checklist to create a much more effective draft, one that is not just a vague information dump but, rather, a communication that will move the project along. Francesca and Kristoffer will know from the very beginning what’s being asked of them, by when, and Marie has given them some suggestions to respond to. She’s called out the request for Kris, and she’s also used bolding to draw attention to the asks in the message.

SAMPLE 2

Jeff works for a technology consulting company that’s growing rapidly, and some clients have expressed worries that the firm is also consulting for their competitors. Jeff’s company believes strongly that it can protect client confidentiality. Its legal counsel put together some advice for team leaders in evaluating potential conflicts of interest in staffing, and Jeff is assigned to convey this advice to senior management. Here’s his first draft.

Original

The expectation is that with short, targeted, light-touch interactions with clients (e.g., discussion of tech trends or best practices, walk-throughs of the client’s facility, outside-in diagnostics), our teams will not be conflicted from serving competitors. General guidance to team leaders is to delineate conflicts based on the role of the client staff member (and access to data). Ask yourself: Does the staff member have access to confidential information? The criterion we apply in evaluating potential staffing conflicts is whether confidential information acquired by a staff member could materially disadvantage a client in serving another client.

Checklist

Jeff knows that he needs to improve this draft. Let’s see where the checklist takes him.

1. GET THE ASK CLEAR

Jeff is asking his readers to understand the company’s approach to potential conflicts of interest and to take action to comply with this approach. He feels that the ask isn’t clear enough in the current version.

2. WRITE FOR YOUR READER

Jeff’s original readers were supposed to be senior team leaders, but he realizes that the draft has wandered all over the place and it doesn’t seem to be addressed to anyone at all. He’ll think about his readers and adjust the content to meet their needs.

3. START STRONG AND SPECIFIC

This opening is passive, vague, and full of jargon; Jeff thinks it’s more likely to drive readers away than draw them in. He also thinks the opening should make clear who this statement is for—who the intended readers are.

4. BE CONCISE

Oh boy. Jeff knows this draft is wordy and dense. He recognizes that the tone of the draft comes partly from his discussions with legal counsel. But the people he’s writing for are not lawyers, they’re managers, and they need more accessible advice.

But what exactly makes this draft feel too long and rambling? Jeff looks through the self-editing checklist:

Forms of the verb “to be”? Check. The first sentence is in the passive voice: “The expectation is.” And the draft contains some of those floppy “is” phrases: “general guidance . . . is to” and “the criterion we apply . . . is.” He can fix those.

Prepositional phrases? Jeff notes a number of prepositional phrases in the draft. Some seem okay, but others might signal places that could be condensed: “from serving competitors,” “by a staff member” (there’s another passive construction), “in serving another client.”

5. FILL IN MISSING CONTENT; DELETE EXTRANEOUS CONTENT

It’s pretty hard to tell at this point if the content is correct and complete. Jeff thinks it would be useful to provide a resource in case readers need further information.

6. WRITE IN PLAIN ENGLISH

Jeff sees some buzzwords that don’t need to be there; he’d like to get rid of “light-touch,” at least. And “criterion” seems unnecessarily formal—he’d rather be a little more conversational.

7. IF SOMETHING FEELS WRONG, FIX IT

The whole thing troubles Jeff, but he’s especially bothered that no single point of view comes through. This draft is a pastiche of information he’s gathered from legal and senior management. He wants to synthesize the information and write it in his own voice.

Revision

Senior team leaders should be aware of some general guidelines for preventing conflicts of interest when serving clients who are competitors. If we take the proper precautions, we expect that team members will not have a conflict of interest in serving competitors. To avoid such conflicts, team members’ contact with clients should be limited to short interactions such as discussion of technology trends or best practices, walk-throughs of the client’s facility, and outside-in diagnostics. Team members who have more substantial client contact should be assessed on a case-by-case basis, determined by that team member’s role and access to data. A team member is likely to have a conflict of interest if s/he has access to confidential information that could be used to a competitor’s material disadvantage. Any questions about conflict of interest should go to Emily Jordan (ejordan@tekxx.com).

Debrief

Jeff feels a lot better about this draft. Its purpose is clearer, it serves the intended audience better, and it’s written in a more straightforward style. He’s aware that this might not be the final version, but he’ll circulate it among leadership and go through another draft or two.

Write It and Then Read It Out Loud

Barry Moltz

Most businesspeople who write articles or other long documents type out their ideas on a laptop. They then typically go back and revise what they wrote before they declare it finished. Unfortunately, even after revision, mistakes in spelling and grammar often still remain in the draft when you try to edit it yourself. Editing your own work is very difficult because you are so familiar with what you have written. When you reread, you have a tendency to skip any mistakes you’ve made—they look “correct” to you.

The best way to make sure that your document is correct is to have another person edit it. Unfortunately, we don’t always have a copy editor available. When you do have to edit your own writing, the best approach is to reread the document out loud from the screen. Now, this might seem a bit silly or awkward, especially if there are other people around, but it really does work.

Carefully read the entire document out loud from beginning to end exactly as it is written. Make corrections in real time as you find mistakes. You might have to read the draft more than once to catch every error and every typo. Keep rereading it out loud from beginning to end until you find no more mistakes. Only then is the work complete, and you can feel confident that it’s error-free.

Barry Moltz is a small business expert who gets companies growing again by unlocking their potential.