Creative writing - From think to ink - Lindstrom Simeon 2015

A step-by-step process for handling rejection with grace

First things first: rejection will happen.

You may be one of those people who think they’ll just sidestep the whole nasty business by never showing their work to anyone, but I hope I have convinced you so far that that’s not an option if you take your writing seriously.

But in showing your work, you open yourself to criticism, and you are made vulnerable to the awful, terrible, no-good feelings that come with being rejected. A good way to make sure you handle it well is to be prepared for it before it even happens. Here’s a step by step process that I can suggest that will help you get a handle on the icky emotions and give you a way to squeeze the most out of the experience.

Rejection is an opportunity to learn and be better, and a great attitude is where you actually want and anticipate rejection. I’m not suggesting you become a masochist, but merely take a different perspective. Stephen King explained how he gleefully pinned all his rejection letters on the wall of his office, collecting them by the dozen and papering the walls of the very room he worked in. It wasn’t some sick way to belittle himself (or maybe it was, Stephen King is a strange man) but a way to cultivate resilience.

Step One: Don’t React Immediately

The first thing most people do when they are criticized is fight back. This makes sense. You perceive an attack (in this case, an attack to your self worth, to your identity and all the rest) and your instinct is to defend and protect yourself. You may get angry. Hurt. Miserable.

The problem is, criticism is not quite an attack, and so responding like it is will ensure you miss the learning opportunities hidden within it. Resist the urge to argue, even if you’re only doing it quietly to yourself. I know some people who respect and admire their friends, but the second one of those friends says an unflattering word about their writing, they instantly take this as proof that the friend isn’t as great as they thought they were. They instantly demote that person’s opinion and taste, instantly try to neutralize the “attack” by invalidating the feedback they receive.

We all do this, and we all suck because of it. The first and best thing you can do when you are criticized is to stop and get a control of your emotions, gaining composure before you do anything else. Withhold on making a judgment. Don’t jump to conclusions and say, “well, who is he to judge — have you read his stories?”

Watch for the temptation to snap back at another person, or to coolly write off their criticism because, well, what do they know? Simply hear the message, thank the person for their opinion and shelve it. They may be right, they may be wrong. You will only be able to appraise their criticism properly when you are feeling calm and levelheaded.

Take a moment to scream and cry into your pillow, put on a stop watch and give yourself 5 minutes to wallow and be the poor maligned misunderstood artist — but then get over it. Shake it off and move on to step two.

Step Two: Evaluate the Criticism

Once you’ve gotten the nasty feelings out of your system, or at the least sectioned them off to deal with in a more appropriate way some other time, it’s time to look carefully at the data you’ve just received. I’m suggesting that you be clear headed and open to the criticism you receive, but I’m not saying you can’t get feedback that is completely worthless. I’m not saying every bit of criticism you receive is worth the same and deserves the same consideration.

The next thing you have to do is ask yourself, as honestly as you possibly can, if there is any truth in the feedback. If somebody says, “your work is hard to follow and confusing at times,” then your job is to go to your work and look with honest eyes to see if they’re on to something. If they say something like, “I just didn’t like this, it’s not really my cup of tea,” then you can shrug and move on with life. Not everyone has to like you or what you make.

If you look hard at your work and can admit that yes, the criticism may actually have a basis in reality …excellent! You can thank the person again for uncovering this new aspect for you. Truly, they’ve given you something more valuable than a hundred “good job” comments. This is something you can work with. With this gift, your writing can become better.

The most likely outcome of this step is that you will look at your work and see a mix — maybe there’s some truth in what has been said, but it’s not the whole story. In this case, you suspend your judgment and wait till you have more data. If ten people tell you your work is confusing, take the hint. If only one ever does, you can be a bit more confident in writing that off as their problem. It’s your call — but it’s a call you can only make when you drop any ego and look at the situation rationally.

Step Three: Adjust and Repeat

Don’t keep throwing your work at people who routinely say they don’t care for it. Don’t spend years of your life and valuable self esteem writing to people who can’t and don’t want to listen to what you have to say. Likewise, don’t keep asking for feedback from people and never doing anything about what they tell you.

Feedback and criticism is valuable if something changes because of it. Let the process be dynamic and intelligent. You are not a performer on a stage pandering for attention or likes on social media. You’re an artisan, and you need to keep working on your craft until it’s the best it can be.

Take feedback to heart, make changes that you believe in and then seek feedback again to compare. Remember, you don’t have to agree with the response you get. But give the process its due diligence. If you feel pressured to go one way and really want to go the other, there’s only one solution: go your way and then see what happens. Even if you never get feedback from another human being, the world itself will be your critic and let you know how you did. If you enjoy writing something, have people who enjoy reading it and even make money from it, what could be better?

Things To Remember When You’re Feeling Rejected

·  Don’t be tempted to think, “everyone is special, we’re all great in our own ways, my work is just not appreciated right now for some reason…” I mean it. This kind of thinking will make you feel better in the short term but is toxic in the long term. Yes, it is possible for you to write something crappy. And it’s OK! Write badly, it’s not the end of the world. Don’t be the kind of person who looks at shoddy writing and shrugs and says, “well that’s just the honest expression of where I am in my artist’s journey…” or whatever. No. There is good writing and there is bad writing. Strive to write well, but don’t be horrified about writing poorly. Oh, you wrote something awful? So what? Look at it, admit it’s bad, and move on.

·  Everyone fails. Everyone turns out truly embarrassing, ugly, headache-inducing writing at times. In fact, I would suggest that even your favourite authors in the world have some dirty secrets you don’t know about. It doesn’t matter though. What matters is that they had the spirit and courage to keep going and get closer to the good stuff.

·  The key to being resilient is not to give a damn. If you ever catch yourself censoring what you have to say because you are worried about what people may think, try think of it this way: imagine yourself on your death bed, at the end of your life. That’s it, it’s over for you. Have you got some untold stories you didn’t get out while you had the chance? Have you hidden from the world the very things that made you special? Have you bitten your tongue and are now going to your grave never knowing what would have happened if you had the guts to speak up and be seen…?

·  Remember that sometimes, critics really are just frustrated artists themselves. Trust your gut on this. It’s so easy for someone who hasn’t taken the chance to be vulnerable and expose themselves to pass judgment on someone who has. Take it for what it’s worth. Sometimes, people will be mean because unconsciously, they are jealous that you’re doing what they don’t yet have the courage to do. Be kind to them and move on. You may inspire them to take the leap themselves one day.

·  Rejection gets easier the more you do it. And you may as well get used to it, because as long as you’re writing and putting stuff out there, there will someone with something to say about it. Grow a callous and accept that criticism and rejection are just part of the deal.

·  If you’re floundering and feeling bad about your competence, it may help to remember the praise you’ve received. Balance out any catastrophic thoughts you may have by remembering that although you’ve written something less than fabulous, there have been times when you’ve hit the mark perfectly. Keep going and you’ll find those sweet spots again.

·  Try to separate out your worth as a person from your skill as a writer. This can be tricky. Have the balls to feel great about yourself no matter how you perform. Remember to tell yourself that you’re still a writer, you’re still a good person and that you still have permission to keep writing!

·  Lastly, treat positive feedback the same way: be neutral about it and evaluate it carefully. Are people just flattering you? How astute is their commentary anyway? Don’t let these judgments disturb your core values and stay calm — appraise positive comments just the same as you would the negative ones.