The little red writing book - Brandon Royal 2007

Support what you say
Style

Principle 6. Support what you say

Principle #6: Use specific and concrete words to support what you say.

One major difference between good writing and mediocre writing lies with the specific and concrete examples that you use or fail to use. Say, for example, you are writing about an apple. Not all apples are identical. What kind of apple is it? Golden Delicious, Gala, Fuji, McIntosh, Granny Smith? What color is it? What shape is it? How does it taste? What is its texture? Where is it grown? Let’s look at an example in a business context. Suppose you hear that your company’s profits are down. What are the specifics? Did the sales volume decline? Was the sales price reduced? Did costs go up? And, if any of the above, then by how much?

Note the difference in each of the following statements:

GENERAL

Corporate profits decreased.

BETTER BUT STILL NOT SPECIFIC

Corporate profits decreased because costs increased.

SPECIFIC

Corporate profits decreased by 10 percent as overall costs increased by 20 percent.

EVEN BETTER

Corporate profits decreased by 10 percent as overall costs increased by 20 percent. In particular, higher salary expenses were the major reason for the increase in costs. Higher salary costs were primarily the result of increases in executive compensation; the aggregate wages paid to factory workers actually decreased by 5 percent due to a decrease in the number of overtime hours clocked.

Examples and details are the very things people remember long after reading a piece. Compare the two examples below describing the popular attitude toward science.

VERSION 1

The popular attitude toward science in the United States is a mix of superstition and awe. Quaint folklore portrays scientific genius as solitary and requiring no nurture. Within the public imagination, such pleasant thoughts go undisturbed by the reality of today’s large research labs.

VERSION 2

The popular attitude toward science in the United States is a mix of superstition and awe. Quaint folklore portrays scientific genius as solitary and requiring no nurture. Within the public imagination are visions of the Wright Brothers at work in their bicycle shop, contriving the first flying machine, and of Thomas Edison plumbing the mysteries of electricity with a few magnets and some pieces of wire. Such pleasant thoughts go undisturbed by today’s large research labs, whose members undergo highly specialized training in order to work on narrowly defined research problems.

The second version uses examples drawn from the Wright Brothers and Thomas Edison. This helps us visualize what the author is saying.

Consider the two memos below. Which one would convince you to attend the Calgary Stampede and Exhibition?

MEMO 1

The Calgary Stampede will be held during the first week of July. There will be loads of activities, fun, and food for all. Bring your cowboy hat and boots. See you there!

MEMO 2

The Calgary Stampede will be held during the first week of July. The exhibition grounds are home to two dozen midway rides, a myriad of food stalls (try those miniature doughnuts!), the sounds of live country music, First Nations exhibits, bustling saloons, and a large casino. For the youngsters, there is a petting zoo, magic tricks, and loads of games, with the chance to win giant stuffed animals. The opening day parade has a flotilla of floats, and daily rodeo events including calf roping, bull riding, and chuck wagon races. Fantastic fireworks each evening. See you there!

Note that the second and better example is longer than the original. Given that writing should be concise, why is the shorter example not better? A trade-off exists between brevity and detail. Sufficient detail will make a piece of writing longer, but this does not necessarily indicate wordiness. Conciseness requires a minimum number of words at the sentence level, whereas sufficient support may require more sentences.

Here is a more humorous example. Consider which of the following better demonstrates to you that a physical book is a wonderful tool.

BLURB 1

Books are marvelous tools. They’re informative and entertaining, and they are here to stay.

BLURB 2

The book is a revolutionary breakthrough in modern technology. No wires, no circuits, no batteries. Nothing to be connected or switched on. It’s so easy, even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover! Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere — even sitting in an armchair by the fire. Yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD.

This is how it works: The book may be picked up at any time and used by merely opening it. The book never crashes and never needs rebooting. The browse feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an index feature, which pinpoints the exact location of selected information for instant retrieval. You can also make personal notes next to book entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).

Is this the end of the computer? The BOOK (Built in Orderly Organized Knowledge) looks as though it will become the entertainment wave of the future.

Vague language weakens your writing because it forces the reader to guess at what you mean instead of allowing him or her to concentrate fully on your ideas and style. Choose specific, descriptive words for more forceful writing. Sometimes, to be specific and concrete, you will have to use more words than usual. That’s okay. While it is important to cut unnecessary words, it is even more important to properly support what you say.

EXERCISE

Rewrite the following sentences to replace vague language with specific, concrete language.

See suggested solutions

1. Joannie has a dog and a cat.

2. The vacation was expensive.

3. Rainbows are colorful.

4. Sheila is tall and good-looking.

5. Many economists think that the Federal Reserve Bank is to blame for the current economic downturn.

6. Firms should advertise because advertising will surely increase sales.

7. Tim is a careless person.

8. The contestant was eliminated in the first round because she missed an easy geography question.

9. The store is packed with goods.

10. Mr. and Mrs. Jones make a cute couple.

TRAIN YOURSELF TO CITE SPECIFIC EXAMPLES

Most writing suffers from superficiality — it is too general. Examples abound in both the academic and professional realm. For example, when writing job search letters or college application essays, candidates often write sentences such as: “I have good people skills,” “I have strong communication skills,” or “I have good analytical skills.”

There is a debater’s adage: “A statement without support merits a denial without reason.” If one person says, “Purple polka-dot bikinis are awful” but gives no evidence to support the statement, another person is entitled to say, “You’re wrong,” and not give a reason. A valued technique, which can be used when writing rough drafts, is to stress the points you wish to make by placing “for example” immediately after what you write. This will ensure that you lend support to your statements.

Note: As a practical matter, each writer should decide whether to leave “for example” in an essay or to edit it out, particularly if looking for a more seamless connection between ideas and support points.

The following sample sentences were taken directly from the essays of applicants applying to college or graduate school.

EXAMPLE 1

Candidate’s statement:

I am an energetic, loyal, creative, diligent, honest, strict, humorous, responsible, flexible, and ambitious person.

Reviewer’s likely comment:

Would you care to develop your discussion and support a few of these traits with concrete examples?

A real amateur’s mistake is to use a “shopping list of traits.” This could occur when you are writing to describe yourself (as is the case if writing a personal essay) or when you are writing to describe someone else (as might be the case when writing academic or professional letters of recommendation or job reference letters). Giving adequate support for a dozen traits is practically impossible. The better approach is to choose two or three traits and develop each in more detail.

EXAMPLE 2

Candidate’s statement:

Growing up in both the East and West, I have experienced both Asian and Western points of view.

Reviewer’s likely comment:

What are these Asian and Western points of view?

EXAMPLE 3

Candidate’s statement:

Although ABC Company did not flourish, I still consider my effort a success because I was able to identify strengths and weaknesses in my overall business skills.

Reviewer’s likely comment:

What strengths and weaknesses did you identify?

EXAMPLE 4

Candidate’s statement:

Not only did I develop important operational skills in running a business but I experienced and witnessed the challenges that entrepreneurs face on a daily basis.

Reviewer’s likely comment:

What were these challenges?

The following examples show how unsupported statements can be improved with the addition of concrete details.

ORIGINAL

I was brought up out of context — an English girl in a British colony. I went through 13 years of international school and my primary school had twenty-eight nationalities.

BETTER

I was brought up out of context — an English girl in a British colony. I went through 13 years of international school and my primary school had twenty-eight nationalities. I remember when my fourth-year teacher decided to hold an International Day. Everyone wore a traditional or national costume and brought a dish of traditional cuisine. There is no real national costume for England, so I dressed as an English Rose, and brought Yorkshire Parkin, a sweet ginger cake, as my dish.

ORIGINAL

I grew up in a Maine farm family that was ethnically Scottish, but really your everyday New England household. I am thankful now for a stable, happy childhood. My parents gave me the best education and upbringing they could. They taught me to be caring and respectful of people and the environment. They taught me honesty, humility, and the silliness of pretense.

BETTER

I grew up in a Maine farm family that was ethnically Scottish, but really your everyday New England household. I am thankful now for a stable, happy childhood. My parents gave me the best education and upbringing they could. They took me to museums, libraries, and ballet lessons. They taught me to be caring and respectful of people and the environment. Often they taught by example: When I was four or five, my elder brothers and I accidentally lit a field on fire. Wind caught the flames, and the fire quickly engulfed the field and came dangerously close to our house and barn. After the fire was put out, my parents felt our guilt and remorse and never mentioned it. We learned the mercy of compassion and forgiveness in addition to the foolishness of playing with matches in dry fields on windy days. My mother taught me honesty in a different way: When we stole balloons, she made us return them and individually admit our guilt, apologize, and offer to pay from our birthday money (we didn’t get allowances). The humiliation of facing that storekeeper, whose sweet disposition and insistence that we keep the balloons, which made my guilt worse, has stayed with me until this day.

WEAKNESSES IN SUPPORT TECHNIQUES

The next two examples are letters of recommendation (also known as an appraisal letter), as frequently seen in the graduate school application process, and a job reference letter. A critique of both letters follows. In short, like so many academic and business documents, these letters could be made effective if more specific support was given in the form of examples, quotes, or anecdotes. In writing parlance, don’t just mention the “what’s,” mention the “so what’s.” Mentioning the “so what’s” provides support and indicates the reason why the writer is writing about something.

ACADEMIC LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION

Admissions Director:

It is my pleasure to serve as a reference for Richard Tyler in his application for admission to your graduate school. I have known Richard for fourteen years, first as an associate of his father (we worked together in a large U.S. conglomerate from 2000 to 2006). Later Richard worked for me at Xerox Corporation as an accountant and financial analyst.

Richard demonstrated a high level of intelligence, strong technical skills, and a very effective and positive way of interacting with people. He quickly gained the respect and support of his peers and seniors. He made a substantial contribution at Xerox Corporation during his period of service. I would particularly like to cite his originality and desire to innovate new systems and procedures.

Another remarkable quality worthy of mention is Richard’s wide range of interests — from the specific and exacting profession of accounting and quantitative analysis to the broad interests that took him to Japan for study and international experience. This is a unique range.

Based on my 32-year career in the financial management of hi-tech companies and knowledge of many applicants and young graduates over the years, I would rank Richard in the top 10 percent of his peers now applying for admission.

Sincerely,



Frank B. Moore Jr.

VP Finance and Chief Financial Officer

Xerox Systems of America

JOB REFERENCE LETTER

To Whom It May Concern:

As a sales representative at the newly opened branch of Avon Cosmetic Products in Hong Kong, Judith was initially responsible for attending to the phones and walk-in customers. This was a new center for Avon International, and women’s accessories was a brand new product area for the Hong Kong and PRC customers. Judith not only exceeded her sales quotas but also became our regional expert on how to adapt, modify, and package all our local products.

Besides having a very special organizational ability, Judith also has a wonderful way with her co-workers and customers. Co-workers listen to her advice and customers continue to buy from her. We have all watched Judith develop her marketing and sales skills. If she were not planning on leaving to go overseas, we would have offered her the position of director of our Beijing Avon Office, where she would not only administrate, but also train sales staff to open the China market.

As the person who started the Avon Hong Kong office and hired Judith, I am most proud of finding her for our company. She is extremely talented, diligent, and innovative, and all without formal business training. We sorely hate to lose her. I have never met another person who has greater potential to be a truly great marketer. Thus, I unqualifiedly and enthusiastically write this job reference letter. Your company will be proud of such an employee.

Sincerely,



Elizabeth Lee

Director, Avon Cosmetics (Hong Kong) Ltd.

CRITIQUE OF RECOMMENDATION LETTER

This recommendation letter follows a traditional format for a graduate school letter of recommendation. It cites at a minimum the context in which the recommender knows the candidate, and a quantifiable comparison is made of the candidate to others applying to graduate school. This letter constitutes a solid endorsement; the only criticism is that it misses a few opportunities to cite details in support of things said. For example, the reviewer is likely to respond to the recommender’s statement “I would particularly like to cite his originality and desire to innovate new systems and procedures” by asking for details on these new systems and procedures. Moreover, the best professional recommendations may also make mention of a candidate’s career aspirations, as well as areas of needed development. Sometimes the recommender cites anecdotes or quotes that other persons have made about the applicant as additional support.

CRITIQUE OF JOB REFERENCE LETTER

This job reference letter is a positive one, written in a light, colloquial tone. It comes across as warm and personable. A criticism of this letter lies in the lack of concrete details to support the recommender’s statements. For example, the reviewer may want to know how much Judith exceeded her sales quota — by 1 percent or 200 percent — as well as the growth in sales of the Hong Kong office and how much of it should be credited to Judith’s efforts. The recommender should give one example of how Judith adapted, modified, or packaged new products for the local market because the reviewer is no doubt interested. Perhaps the recommender could quote one of Judith’s customers. Finally, the letter should mention one area where Judith is weak, to balance out the recommendation.