English Grammar for the Utterly Confused - Laurie Rozakis 2003
Three Ways to Write Concise Sentences
Chapter 13 Diction and Conciseness
Part 5 Struttin Your Stuff with Style
Follow these rules to create succinct, effective sentences.
1. Eliminate unneeded words and phrases.
2. Combine sentences that repeat information.
3. Don’t say the same thing twice.
Let’s look at each of these rules more closely.
1. Eliminate unneeded words and phrases.
Filler words are empty words and phrases that add nothing to your sentences. Filler words are used to fill space and make writing sound “official.” Unfortunately, many filler words have become so commonplace that we accept them as part of an effective style. Since they’re not good writing, it’s important to cut them from your documents. Since filler words are so annoying, think of your efforts to eliminate these space wasters as a public service in the name of good writing!
Filler words come in different parts of speech, as the following chart shows.
Here’s how filler words look in context:
Wordy: Harris took a relaxing type of vacation.
Better: Harris took a relaxing vacation.
Wordy: His comment was of an offensive nature.
Better: His comment was offensive.
Wordy: Work crews arrived for the purpose of digging new power lines.
Better: Work crews arrived to dig new power lines.
Wordy: Regardless of the fact that a thunderstorm activity is not predicted for tomorrow, in view of the fact that it is cloudy, you should take your umbrella anyway.
Better: Although a thunderstorm is not predicted for tomorrow, because it is cloudy, you should take your umbrella.
Wordy: In the event that we do have a weather event, you will be prepared in a very real sense.
Better: If it does rain, you will be prepared.
Quick Tip
Eliminate these phrases as well:
the point I am trying to make
as a matter of fact
in a very real sense
in the case of
that is to say
to get to the point
what I mean to say
in fact
2. Combine sentences that repeat information.
You also can combine sentences to achieve clarity. First, look for sentences that contain the same information or relate to the same ideas and so logically belong together. Then combine the related sentences. Finally, cut any words that just take up space and add nothing to the meaning. Here are some examples:
Wordy: Mr. Drucker gave his students the assignment of a math problem. The problem called for adding a series of numbers. The numbers contained real and imaginary integers.
Better: Mr. Drucker assigned his students a math problem that called for adding real and imaginary integers.
Wordy: There is strong evidence to suggest that there is only one difference between highly successful people and the rest of us. It is highly successful people who apply themselves with determination to a task.
Better: Evidence suggests that the only difference between highly successful people and the rest of us is their ability to apply themselves with determination to a task.
Quick Tip
Be careful not to change the meaning of a sentence when you combine it. If you trim too much, for instance, the meaning is likely to be altered.
3. Don’t say the same thing twice.
Phrases such as “cover over,” “circle around,” and “square in shape” are redundant—they say the same thing twice. This is the redundancy problem you corrected in the beginning of this chapter.
Wordy: We hope and trust that you show insight and vision because it is fitting and proper that you do so.
Better: We hope that you show insight because it is fitting that you do so.
Wordy: I am completely upset by the extremely dangerous situation, and, in light of the fact that I think this is basically a terrible tragedy, I am not sure what the eventual outcome will be.
Better: I am upset by the dangerous situation; since this is a tragedy, I am not sure what the outcome will be.
Wordy: We watched the big, massive, dark black cloud rising up from the level prairie and covering over the sun.
Better: We watched the massive black cloud rising from the prairie and covering the sun.
Wordy: The package, rectangular in shape, was on the counter.
Better: The rectangular package was on the counter.
