Pros and Cons - Debbie Newman, Ben Woolgar 2014
Marriage
Section E. Social, moral and religious
Frank Sinatra once sang that ’love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage’. Did this view die with Sinatra in 1998 or is it still a defensible one? Is there something special about marriage that differentiates it from the ever more popular arrangement of cohabitation? Does marriage provide children with a more stable family home, or is the marital status of their parents (or parent) immaterial?
Pros
[1] Marriage is the foundation of the stable family unit within which children can have the best possible start to life. Studies repeatedly show that children who grow up with married parents are the best adjusted and most successful. Therefore, for the sake of their children, prospective parents have a duty to marry in order to provide the real security and trust that children need. A couple who are not married will never be able to offer the same psychologically crucial promise of security to each other or to their children.
[2] It is important that marriage is valued in order to uphold a healthy and rational view of what loving relationships are about. Loving relationships are about working together for mutual respect and support over a long period — not just about ’falling in love’, sex and romance, which are relatively superficial ends. It is interesting to note that arranged marriages have a high success rate — perhaps because they do not give couples false and superficial expectations of total sexual and romantic compatibility.
[3] The fact that marriages fail does not mean that we should give up trying. Social and legal institutions such as marriage, the Church, the criminal justice system and so on exist to provide ideal models to which to aspire, often with success. We should not abandon the ideal of truly loving couples providing stable homes for their children.
[4] Although marriage does hold a spiritual dimension for many religious people, it is relevant in a secular society as a civic institution as well. Couples who cohabit are not making a public and legally recognised lifetime commitment to each other. The decision to marry represents a step forward in the relationship, the wedding allows a celebration of the couple, and the marriage itself allows both parties to feel secure in the long term. In addition, many legal and financial rights that a spouse enjoys are not granted to cohabiting couples, and so marriage acts as the state’s recognition of the relationship.
[5] Marriage has evolved to match social changes. In Western culture, there are now very few arranged marriages and there are no dowries for daughters, so both men and women are free to follow where love takes them. A modern version of the Christian vows can be taken or a couple can write their own and women do not have to take their husband’s surname. A vote to legalise gay marriage in the UK was passed in the House of Commons in 2013, but many other countries got there first, including the Netherlands, Canada, Sweden, Spain, as did nine US states. This shows that marriage continues to adapt to stay relevant.
[6] Many people enjoy planning and throwing a huge wedding and see it as one of the happiest days of their lives. People are free to spend their money how they wish and this is a way which brings joy to the couple and their families and friends. However, it is possible to spend almost no money on a wedding and the fashions for celebrations change over time. A dislike of ostentatious weddings should not be seen as a reason to oppose the institution of marriage.
Cons
[1] Parents do not need to be married in order to provide a stable home life for their children. It is the quality of the relationship that matters, not whether a marriage licence has been signed. If parents fight or a relationship ends, it will affect the children regardless of whether their parents are married.
[2] Marriage is an unnecessary curb on freedom and happiness. True love in all its intensity does not actually last a lifetime, and it is unreasonable to sentence oneself to a lifetime of enforced fidelity to someone with whom the spark has gone. Especially now that we are living longer and longer, lifetime commitment is unrealistic and unnecessary. Therefore, we should not make promises we cannot keep, but instead acknowledge that even long-term relationships can end when the love is lost or one partner falls in love with somebody else. What meaning does a marriage have if the ’till death do us part’ vow is so easily broken?
[3] In the face of the very high divorce rate (up to 42 per cent in the UK) in today’s world, we should rethink our approach to relationships and parenting. People get married knowing that they can change their mind whenever they want and this has undermined marriage. It is time to admit that marriage does not work in today’s society and to look at alternatives. It is often the rigid and unrealistic constraints of traditional marriage itself that make a relationship stifling and unbearable.
[4] Marriage was originally a religious concept and it makes sense if your faith still prohibits sex outside marriage. However, today when couples live and sleep together for years before they marry, what is the point of the ceremony? They return, after the wedding ceremony, to exactly the same life as they had before. For some, their wedding is the first time they have visited a church for years, thereby starting their union in an act of hypocrisy. The state should accord the same rights to cohabiting couples.
[5] Marriage is an inherently sexist and homophobic institution. Women are ’given away’ as if they were a possession and take their husband’s name as if their identity is unimportant. In the traditional marriage vows they pledge to ’obey’ their husbands. These views are outdated in today’s world of gender equality. Although this is changing in some countries, most of the world and most organised religions oppose gay marriage, which creates discrimination within society.
[6] Marriage, for many, has become more about the wedding than the life that follows. There is huge pressure on young people and their families to throw ’fairy tale’ occasions which perhaps they cannot afford. In the USA in 2012, the average cost of a wedding was over US$26,000. In the UK in 2008, the figure was higher, at over £20,000. This leaves young couples crippled with debt at a time when they are finding it harder than ever to get a foot on the housing ladder.
Possible motions
This House would get married for the sake of the children.
This House believes that marriage is an outdated institution.
This House believes that the state should incentivise marriage.
Related topics
Gay marriage, legalising of
Polygamy, legalisation of
Surrogate mothers, payment of