Exploring Writing - Gary Robert Muschla 2011
Guidelines for Revision
Worksheets
Part 3. Revision
Revising is a difficult activity. The worksheets included in this section are designed to provide you with practice in revision.
The worksheets, which include both articles and stories, cover a variety of topics. You will find the worksheets challenging in that much of the material that should be revised is not technically wrong, but definitely could be improved. The exceptions are run-on sentences, fragments, unnecessary shifts in tense, faulty point of view, and errors in subject-verb agreement.
The “Guidelines for Revision” (page 148) offer directions for revising. Keep in mind that articles and stories can be revised in different ways, depending on the material and the purpose and outlook of the writer.
The worksheets proceed from relatively basic to more challenging. The directions for Worksheets 3.1 through 3.13 focus on specific elements to revise, while Worksheets 3.14 through 3.25 do not provide any hints of what weaknesses to look for. Each worksheet has several items that could be revised. Because revised articles and stories will vary, the Answer Key offers a possible revision of each worksheet.
Always work hard to revise your writing. It is through revision that you will achieve your best writing.
Guidelines for Revision
Asking yourself the following questions can help you revise your writing.
1. Is my topic focused?
2. Do all of my ideas and details relate to my topic?
3. Does my writing have an opening, body, and closing?
4. Have I used paragraphs?
5. Does each paragraph have a main idea? Have I supported each main idea with details?
6. Have I used correct order and sequence?
7. Have I varied my sentence construction?
8. Have I used active constructions?
9. Have I used strong verbs?
10. Do my subjects and verbs agree?
11. Did I show and not tell?
12. Are my tenses consistent?
13. Is my point of view consistent?
14. Have I deleted all unnecessary information and words?
15. Have I expressed my ideas clearly?
3.1 The Moon
Directions: Revise the article. Make any changes you feel will improve it. Be sure it has an opening, body, and closing. (The revised article should have three paragraphs.) Eliminate any unnecessary information. Rewrite the revised article on a separate sheet of paper.
The moon is the Earth’s natural satellite. About 240,000 miles away, it is our closest neighbor in space. Many people look at the moon each night. It is the only body in the solar system people have visited. The moon is barren. The moon is lifeless. The moon is a dangerous world. It has no atmosphere. It has no liquid water. The surface is covered with dust and craters. Scientists believe the craters were caused by meteorites crashing into the moon millions of years ago. Other planets have moons, too. In the shade, the temperature on the moon can be as cold as -280° Fahrenheit. In sunlight, the temperature can be as hot as 260° Fahrenheit. Scientists have learned much about the moon. They continue to study the moon. They hope that by learning more about the moon they will learn more about our solar system.
3.2 Geysers
Directions: Revise the article. Make any changes you feel will improve it. Be sure it has an opening, body, and closing. (The revised article should have four paragraphs.) Eliminate any unnecessary information. Rewrite the revised article on a separate sheet of paper.
A geyser is a natural hot spring. It shoots water and steam high into the air. Most geysers are found in three parts of the world. These three parts of the world are the western United States, Iceland, and New Zealand. Geysers occur when hot volcanic rock heats underground water to high temperatures. The water is heated. It begins to boil. It is becoming hotter and hotter. Steam forms and forces the water upward through cracks in the rock. There is enough pressure sometimes to shoot the hot water and steam into the air. The most famous geyser in the world is Old Faithful in Yellowstone National Park. This geyser, Old Faithful, erupts on average once every ninety-four minutes each day. Between 3,700 and 8,400 gallons of hot water shoot up to 170 feet in the air. Watching a geyser is exciting. It is very thrilling. Geysers are one of nature’s thrilling shows.
3.3 The Beginnings of Roller Coasters
Directions: Revise the article. Make any changes you feel will improve it. Be sure it has an opening, body, and closing. (The revised article should have four paragraphs.) Eliminate any unnecessary information. Rewrite the revised article on a separate sheet of paper.
Modern roller coasters have their beginnings with Russian ice slides. Millions of people love roller coasters. The slides were first built in the mid- 1600s. The ice slides were big structures. Some were between seventy and eighty feet high. During winter the slides were enjoyed by a lot of people. They were built of wood. They were covered with thick ice. Large sleds sped down the slide along an icy path for hundreds of feet. The builders even constructed stairs for riders to walk up the slides. Some historians believe the Russians also built the first true roller coaster in the late 1700s. It was a carriage with wheels. It was built in St. Petersburg. From these simple beginnings, we have the super roller coasters of today. A person can only imagine what future coasters will be like.
3.4 Healthy Teeth
Directions: Revise the article. Make any changes you feel will improve it. Especially pay attention to order and sequence. Eliminate any unnecessary information or words. Rewrite the article on a separate sheet of paper.
Having healthy teeth is important. Strong, healthy teeth help you to chew your food properly. Healthy teeth, they help you to speak clearly. Healthy teeth help you to look your best. It is very important to have healthy teeth.
To keep your teeth healthy, you must keep them clean. This is very, very important. Brush your teeth at least twice each day. You should brush them after breakfast and before bed. You should visit your dentist twice each year. The dentist will check for cavities and clean your teeth. Brush for at least three minutes. Be sure to brush in the back and along the sides of your teeth. You should clean your teeth with dental floss. The floss, which you should use every day, will clean places your toothbrush cannot reach.
Strong, clean teeth will help to keep you healthy. They, your strong, clean teeth, are something to smile about.
3.5 The Importance of Exercise
Directions: Revise the article. Make any changes you feel will improve it. Especially pay attention to subject-verb agreement and varying sentence structure. Rewrite the revised article on a separate sheet of paper.
Exercising each day will help to keep you in good health. It will also help you think better. It will help you sleep better. It will help you feel better.
Exercise help your body stay fit. It causes you to breathe more deeply. It makes your heart pump more strongly. It makes your muscles work harder. It makes your body use more calories. It helps to keep your body at a healthy weight.
You can exercise in many ways. You can walk. You can run. You can jog. You can play sports. You can ride your bike. You can skate. You can swim. You can dance. Any activity that make your heart beat faster is good.
Exercise is important for your health. You should try to exercise every day.
3.6 The Wandering Albatross
Directions: Revise the article. Make any changes you feel will improve it. Especially pay attention to unity, sentence structure, and subject-verb agreement. Eliminate any unnecessary information. Rewrite the revised article on a separate sheet of paper.
The wandering albatross is a large seabird. When it spreads it wings. The wings measure up to twelve feet from tip to tip. This is the largest wingspread of any living bird.
There are many kinds of albatrosses. Along with the wandering albatross. There is the black-footed albatross, the royal albatross, and the sooty albatross. There are even more. The wandering albatross is found over the oceans of the Southern Hemisphere.
Wandering albatrosses does not have a permanent home. They spend most of their lives flying over the oceans of the Southern Hemisphere. They feed on small fish. They can sleep on the sea’s surface. When they become tired of flying. Like most seabirds, they drink seawater. They land only to mate, they make their nests on empty islands.
Because of its size, the wandering albatross have few predators. Most wandering albatrosses have long lives. The wandering albatross is thought to be one of the few birds to die of old age.
3.7 Doomed City
Directions: Revise the article. Make any changes you feel will improve it. Especially pay attention to unity, order, and sentence structure. Eliminate any unnecessary information. Rewrite the revised article on a separate sheet of paper.
Pompeii was a city in ancient Italy. It was built a few miles south of Mt. Vesuvius. Mt. Vesuvius is an active volcano. Pompeii was a wealthy city.
Pompeii was always busy with trade.
The day of August 24 in the year a.d. 79 began like any other. Without warning. The top of Vesuvius exploded. Great clouds of smoke and ash rose high into the sky. Soon the light of the sun was blocked. The sky became dark.
People awoke that day and began their chores. In the distance the volcano sent lazy dark smoke into the sky. But this was normal. No one was worried.
Scientists study volcanoes. They hope to learn how to predict when a volcano will erupt.
The eruption continued throughout the day and night. The city was covered with ash and molten rock, it is estimated that two thousand people died. The doomed city of Pompeii disappeared in a day.
3.8 The Oregon Trail
Directions: Revise the article. Make any changes you feel will improve it. Especially pay attention to sentence structure and active constructions. Rewrite the revised article on a separate sheet of paper.
The Oregon Trail was the most important pioneer route to the American Northwest. The trail was about two thousand miles long. It started in Independence, Missouri, it ended at the Columbia River in Oregon.
The journey over the trail was long. It was hard. It was dangerous, too. The trip could take as long as six months. Many hardships were faced by the pioneers. Terrible storms, illness, lack of food, and attacks by Native Americans were constant threats. Sometimes as many as half of the people of a wagon train died on the trail.
Despite the hardships. The trail was followed by thousands of pioneers. They believed that the Oregon Trail was a way to a new life.
3.9 Laura Ingalls Wilder
Directions: Revise the article. Make any changes you feel will improve it. Especially pay attention to sentence structure and active constructions. Rewrite the revised article on a separate sheet of paper.
Laura Ingalls was born in Pepin, Wisconsin, on February 7, 1867. Laura Ingalls was the second daughter of Charles and Caroline Ingalls.
During her childhood, Laura traveled westward with her family in a covered wagon. Wisconsin, Kansas, and Minnesota were crossed by the Ingalls family, the Dakota Territory was where they finally settled.
Laura loved living on the prairie. Life could be hard. It was full of joy. Laura enjoyed helping her parents with the chores.
Laura grew up. She married Almanzo Wilder. Laura and Almanzo moved to Mansfield, Missouri. A home there was built by Laura and Almanzo.
Her family’s pioneer days were remembered fondly by Laura. She would tell stories about living on the prairie to Rose, her daughter. Rose, her daughter, suggested that her mother write the stories down so that others could read them. These stories became the Little House series.
3.10 Moving In
Directions: Revise the story. Make any changes you feel will improve it. Especially pay attention to varying sentence structure and verb tenses. Rewrite the revised story on a separate sheet of paper.
Rachel stood in her new room. Boxes are everywhere. The room was bigger than her room in her old house. The room in her old house was small. The new room did not feel like home.
Rachel missed her old house. She missed her old friends. She is worried about making new friends.
Rachel unpacked a few boxes. She went outside. She sat on the front steps. She looked around the yard. There were flowers and trees. The yard was pretty.
Rachel noticed a girl from the house across the street walking toward her.
The girl is about Rachel’s age.
“Hi, I’m Danielle,” the girl says. “But my friends call me Dani ...”
3.11 The Messy Room
Directions: Revise the story. Make any changes you feel will improve it. Especially pay attention to varying sentence structure, strong verbs, and descriptions. Rewrite the revised story on a separate sheet of paper.
Jason was in his room. It was messy. He was upset.
He could not find his science report. He had finished it yesterday. He finished it right after school. Then he had gone out to play with his friends.
He looked at his messy desk. His mother was always urging him to be neater. He went through the stuff on it. He went through the drawers in the desk. They were messy, too. He searched his messy dresser. He searched under his messy bed.
He tried to remember where he put the report. Suddenly he remembered.
He picked up his knapsack. It was in a folder. He had put it in the knapsack yesterday so that he would not lose it.
Jason heard the school bus. He picked up his knapsack. He went to the door.
3.12 The Monster Coaster
Directions: Revise the story. Make any changes you feel will improve it. Especially pay attention to varying sentence structure, point of view, and verb tenses. Rewrite the revised story on a separate sheet of paper.
Maria stood in front of the big roller coaster. Carlos, her younger brother, was with her.
It was called the Monster. Maria had been looking forward to riding it for weeks. But now she is not sure she wants to.
It was so high. It was so fast. And it had three loops. Maria likes fast rides, but this one scares her.
“Come on, Maria,” says Carlos. “Let’s get in line.” He takes my hand and started pulling me.
At first Maria does not move. It was as if my feet will not go.
“Maria, come on,” said Carlos. “You’re not afraid, are you?”
Maria smiled weakly. If her little brother was not afraid, I should not be afraid either.
“Let’s go,” Maria says. She led Carlos to the line.
3.13 The Game
Directions: Revise the story. Make any changes you feel will improve it. Especially pay attention to point of view and descriptions. Rewrite the revised story on a separate sheet of paper.
One second was left in the championship game between the Hawks and Cougars. The score was 38 to 38.
Kevin Williams, the Cougars’ youngest player, was at the foul line. If he made either of his two foul shots, the Cougars would be champions. But Kevin was not a good foul shooter.
The referee gave him the ball.
I took a deep breath. I bounced the ball to calm myself.
I looked up at the basket. I aimed and let it go. It missed. The home crowd sounded sad.
The referee handed Kevin the ball again. Once more I bounced the ball to steady myself. I aimed and let it go.
I watched it go through the net.
3.14 The Sun
Directions: Revise the article. Make any changes you feel will improve it. Rewrite the revised article on a separate sheet of paper.
The sun is a star. Like other stars, it is a giant ball of burning gases. It is made up mostly of hydrogen. This is a gas. The sun is about 93 million miles from Earth. This is very, very far. Earth is one of the nine planets that orbit the sun. Inside the sun, hydrogen atoms are fused (forced together) to make helium. Great amounts of energy are produced. Some of this energy reaches the Earth. As light and heat. The temperature on the surface of the sun is about 11,000° Fahrenheit. Inside the sun, near the center, the temperature is about 35 million degrees Fahrenheit. The sun makes life possible on the Earth. Without the sun, the Earth would be a cold, dark planet. It would be lifeless.
3.15 The Bear Facts
Directions: Revise the article. Make any changes you feel will improve it. Rewrite the revised article on a separate sheet of paper.
Bears are large mammals. There are several kinds of bears. Black bears were once found throughout North America.
Now they are found mostly in wilderness areas. Black bears are one of the smallest bears, they weigh between two hundred and four hundred pounds. Grizzly bears are among the most dangerous bears. They can weigh up to one thousand pounds. Other animals are hunted by grizzlies for food. Grizzlies may be brown, black, or cream-colored. The fur on their shoulders and backs is often tipped with white. This gives them a “grizzled” look. Polar bears are found on the islands of the Arctic Ocean. They are big bears. Polar bears may be ten feet tall and weigh up to fifteen hundred pounds. Seals, young walruses, and fish are hunted by polar bears. Their thick white coats keep them warm in icy temperatures. Bears are found in many parts of the world. Bears are among nature’s most interesting animals.
3.16 Smokey Bear
Directions: Revise the article. Make any changes you feel will improve it. Rewrite the revised article on a separate sheet of paper.
Many people have heard of Smokey Bear. They know Smokey is a symbol for fire prevention. Not everyone knows the story of the real Smokey.
On a spring day in 1950, parts of New Mexico were burned by a terrible fire. A baby black bear was found in a tree by firefighters. The men gently took the cub from the tree, they did not know what to do with him. A rancher who had been helping the firefighters offered to take the injured cub home. The cub had climbed the tree to try to escape the flames. But his paws and back were burned.
A forest ranger heard about the cub. He drove to the ranch. Had the injured cub flown to Santa Fe. His injuries were treated by a veterinarian there.
Eventually the cub was sent to Washington, D.C. He was given a home in the National Zoo. The cub became known as Smokey Bear.
3.17 Johnny Appleseed
Directions: Revise the article. Make any changes you feel will improve it. Rewrite the revised article on a separate sheet of paper.
Johnny Appleseed was a real man. His name was John Chapman, he was born in 1774 in Leominster, Massachusetts.
Settlers moved westward. John went with them. For nearly fifty years. John planted apple trees. He planted apple trees in what became the states of Ohio, Michigan, Illinois, and Indiana. People called John the Apple Tree Man or Johnny Appleseed.
John worked alone. He walked across the wilderness. He would find a good spot for planting. He would clear the land. He would plant apple seeds. He would build a brush fence around the spot to keep animals out. An orchard would fill the spot.
John Chapman died in 1845. The apple orchards he left behind were a gift to the settlers who came after him.
3.18 The Ice
Directions: Revise the story. Make any changes you feel will improve it. Rewrite the revised story on a separate sheet of paper.
With very, very nervous fingers Tamara tightened the laces of her ice skates. She took a deep breath.
“Don’t worry,” her coach said. “You’ll do fine.”
That made Tamara worry even more. That was what people told her last winter. Tamara remembered. Trying to jump and turn in the air for the first time. The awful, terrible pain of her ankle breaking would never be forgotten by Tamara. Her ankle hurt really, really badly for days. Her slow recovery took months.
Tamara started skating again a few weeks ago. She had not tried to jump and spin, she would today.
Tamara stood and stepped onto the ice, her heart was thumping.
“Good luck,” was said by her coach.
Tamara nodded.
She skated around the rink. She tried to build up her courage.
She began to skate faster and faster. She lifted off the ice. She rose and spun.
She landed perfectly!
3.19 Giant Squid
Directions: Revise the article. Make any changes you feel will improve it. Rewrite the revised article on a separate sheet of paper.
When ancient sailors reported seeing sea monsters. They might have seen a giant squid. The giant squid is a frightening animal. It is a scary animal, too.
The name giant squid fits this creature. The giant squid can grow to be 150 feet long. The giant squid’s big eyes can be 3 feet across. The giant squid has long tentacles. The giant squid’s prey is caught with its tentacles.
The giant squid is one of the fastest creatures in the ocean. It can draw water into its body. It can then force the water out. That shoots the animal
forward like a rocket.
Giant squid live deep in the ocean. They live far below the surface of the ocean.
Sometimes they come to the surface. This creature could have been mistaken for a sea monster by ancient sailors.
3.20 The Earl of Sandwich
Directions: Revise the article. Make any changes you feel will improve it. Rewrite the revised article on a separate sheet of paper.
John Montagu is a nobleman. He lived in England in the 1700s. He is the fourth Earl of Sandwich. He was also a well-known gambler.
When he was gambling. He would sit at the table for hours. One day he is gambling. He gets hungry. But he did not want to leave the game. So he sends a servant to bring him meat between two slices of bread.
Other gamblers think this is a good idea. They got hungry. They said something like, “I’ll have what Sandwich had.” Soon the name Sandwich came to mean meat between two slices of bread.
The sandwich was named after the Earl of Sandwich in 1762. Since then countless sandwiches have been made.
3.21 Little Dinosaurs
Directions: Revise the article. Make any changes you feel will improve it. Rewrite the revised article on a separate sheet of paper.
When most people think of dinosaurs. They think of big creatures. But there are little dinosaurs too.
The smallest dinosaur is thought to be a microraptor. This dinosaur was about sixteen inches long. This dinosaur was about the size of a crow.
Saltopus was a little bigger. Than a microraptor. It was about two feet long. It was the size of a small cat. It walks on two legs. It has a long head. It has dozens of sharp teeth.
Compsognathus was about the size of a big chicken. It was about three feet long. It has two thin legs. It has three-toed feet. It had a long tail. It had a pointed head, had sharp teeth.
Even smaller dinosaurs may be discovered by scientists someday. But most people will probably continue to think of dinosaurs as big creatures.
3.22 An Early Flyer
Directions: Revise the article. Make any changes you feel will improve it. Rewrite the revised article on a separate sheet of paper.
Wiley Post was born in Grand Plain, Texas, in 1899. He did not have much formal schooling. He became one of the most famous early pilots.
In 1931, Post and his navigator flew around the world. His navigator was Harold Charles Gatty. They made the flight in eight days, fifteen hours, and fifty-one minutes. A world record was set by them.
Two years later, in 1933, it was decided by Post to fly around the world by himself. He set a new record of seven days, eighteen hours, and forty-nine minutes.
Wiley Post died on August 15, 1935. His plane crashed at Point Barrow, Alaska. He was called a national hero.
3.23 A Busy Day
Directions: Revise the story. Make any changes you feel will improve it. Rewrite the revised story on a separate sheet of paper.
Kareem woke up early on Saturday. He had a busy day planned.
After breakfast, Kareem went to soccer practice. He was the goalie for his team, he liked soccer.
After lunch, Kareem helped his father in the yard. They raked leaves. They trimmed the hedges. His father mowed the lawn. Kareem weeded the flower beds. They worked in the yard all afternoon.
In the evening, Kareem’s friends came. His friends’ names were David and Charles. The boys decided to watch a movie. After the movie was done, his friends went home. Kareem watched TV a little while with his parents.
He soon went to bed. It had been a busy day. He was tired.
3.24 Platypus
Directions: Revise the article. Make any changes you feel will improve it. Rewrite the revised article on a separate sheet of paper.
The platypus is a very strange, unusual animal. It is a mammal. It also has traits of a duck. Another name for this very strange, unusual animal is the duckbill.
Platypuses are found in Australia. They live in burrows along the banks of rivers. They make their homes near water.
An adult platypus is about fourteen inches in length. It has a long body. It has a flat tail. It uses its flat tail for swimming.
The platypus have many traits of mammals. It is warm-blooded, it has fur, it feeds its young milk.
But the platypus also have some traits of ducks. Instead of a nose and mouth. The platypus has a leathery bill. It has webbed feet for swimming. Like a duck, it lays eggs. A baby platypus hatches from an egg.
The platypus is truly a very strange, unusual animal.
3.25 The Myth of Daedalus and Icarus
Directions: Revise the story. Make any changes you feel will improve it. Rewrite the revised story on a separate sheet of paper.
Daedalus and his son Icarus were imprisoned on the island of Crete. In hopes of escaping. A very dangerous and very daring plan was thought of by Daedalus. He would build wings of wax and feathers. For Icarus and himself.
Daedalus begins his work. When the day came that the wings were done, he calls to Icarus. He warns Icarus not to fly too close to the sun. The heat would melt the wax. The wings would fall apart.
Icarus promises his father he would be careful. But once they set off. The boy is overcome with the thrill of flying like a bird.
Daedalus sees his son flying higher and higher. He called to him that he was too close to the sun. Yet the boy keeps going higher.
Soon the wax on Icarus’s wings begins to melt. Feathers started to fall off. The boy flapped the wings wildly. But the wings came apart, he fell into the sea and drowned.