The word snoop - Ursula Dubosarsky 2009

Don’t mention it
Hmm i wonder what you’re really saying

Death, which nobody likes to think about, probably has the most euphemisms of any word. Some of them are: passed away, no longer with us, sleeping with the fishes, permanently out of print— on and on they go.

The British comedy team Monty Python did a very funny sketch you may have seen about a man who brings a dead parrot back to the pet shop where he bought it. The man tries to tell the pet-shop owner that the parrot is dead, but the owner pretends not to get the message. The man uses every euphemism he can think of. He says the bird is:

bereft of life

gone to meet his maker

fallen off the twig

pushing up daisies

passed on

kicked the bucket

joined the choir invisible, etc. etc.

Finally he shouts out in exasperation: “This is an EX-PARROT !”

Euphemisms for death are often used out of kindness, because the truth can be so painful. Read the scene on the next page from Charles Dickens’s wonderful novel David Copperfield. David is away at boarding school and is being told that his mother has died.

“When you came away from home at the end of the vacation,” said Mrs. Creakle, after a pause, “were they all well?” After another pause, “Was your mama well?”

I trembled without distinctly knowing why, and still looked at her earnestly, making no attempt to answer.

“Because,” said she, “I grieve to tell you that I hear this morning that your mama is very ill.”

A mist rose between Mrs. Creakle and me, and her figure seemed to move in it for an instant. Then I felt the burning tears run down my face, and it was steady again.

“She is very dangerously ill,” she added.

I knew all now.

“She is dead.”

There was no need to tell me so. I had already broken out into a desolate cry, and felt an orphan in the wide world.

It’s definitely kinder at times to use euphemisms than to say something straight out. This is probably why teachers are such experts at euphemisms, especially in school reports. Parents who think their child is adorable might get upset if they hear that she mucks around a lot and never stops talking, so instead the teacher will write on her report card that she is always coming up with fascinating ideas to liven up the classroom and has truly astonishing vocal cords.

Hmm, what do you think the teacher was trying to say on these pupils’ report cards?

Gretchen has a remarkable feel for color.

Octavio is very thorough and

never rushes his tasks.

Lupin always takes a great interest

in the work of his classmates.

(Translations: Gretchen regularly spills paint everywhere; Octavio is always the last to pack up at the end of the day; Lupin copies other people’s answers.)