Writing to Persuade: How to Bring People Over to Your Side - Trish Hall 2019
You like dogs? So do i!
Winning people over
In any kind of persuasion, whether it’s done in writing or in person, it is essential to establish similarities and shared values. We are persuaded by people we like—not by people we don’t. In just about every situation, we’re more likely to accept information—any kind of information—when it comes from someone with similar viewpoints.
If you establish commonality and then bring up an issue that might be a source of disagreement, your audience is much more willing to listen because of the connection you have already made. Research by psychologists has confirmed and reconfirmed that phenomenon. By agreeing with your audience, you’re much more likely to change their minds, as counterintuitive as that might sound.
And while it might seem obvious that we’re similar to our friends, UCLA and Dartmouth researchers have taken that idea beyond the anecdotal. They studied graduate students, asking each of them who their friends were in the program. Using this information the researchers could map out who the students were closest to in their social group and who they were most distant from. Then the researchers asked people to watch a range of videos while having an MRI to measure their neural activity. The study team found that friends have similar neural responses to real-world stimuli. They could predict who people were friends with, and more generally, how many “degrees of separation” people were from one another by looking at how their brains responded to video clips. So we are, on a neurological level, similar to and bonded to our friends. And studies have shown that similarity leads to persuasion. Our minds shape the minds of our friends, and vice versa.
So it’s always valuable to make that connection with people, whether you’re writing an essay, giving a lecture, or trying to get your neighbor to stop using a noisy leaf blower every Saturday morning. Don’t just launch into “the facts” or start with your opinions. Try to establish similarity. It can be about a musician, a TV show, or an animal. “You like dogs? So do I!” And then the pictures come out, and you have established a link. It might seem like stupid small talk, but it’s not; it’s a way of affirming that you belong to the same group, that you have shared values. You need to consider what they worry about, what they think about, and why they might not be sympathetic to what you have to say. You might be giving a speech to high school students or writing something that you hope to see published in Foreign Affairs magazine. In either case, it is worth imagining what the audience likely believes and considers true, so you can start on the same ground.
Your beliefs tell me what group you belong to. If you belong to my group, I am more likely to listen to you. Over my years at the Times, people constantly criticized the paper; mostly, I just ignored them. I remember watching my daughter’s soccer game and having a mother I barely knew start complaining to me that the paper was pro-war. I just sort of smiled and tried to imagine I was somewhere else. When people criticized coverage, I was generally unmoved. I didn’t always disagree, but I couldn’t hold myself responsible for everything published by such a big institution.
Even so, when my friend Liza Nelson commented that she was tired of the parochial vision of America presented by the Times, I listened. She has been my best friend since we met in nursery school. I know her; I admire her mind and trust her judgment. When she expressed her frustrations with the Times, I worried that if the paper wasn’t speaking to a liberal Democrat in Georgia, it was in danger of not meeting its aspirations to grow both nationally and internationally. Liza affected the way I thought about the stories I chose in Op-Ed by helping me escape the social circles we all inhabit and reminding me that things might look quite different from the vantage point of a small Southern town.
In this quest for commonality, whether you are writing or speaking, don’t hesitate to expose details of your life and ask personal questions. If you let your guard down somewhat and tell people something about yourself—maybe you’re having a hard time with your boyfriend, or you’re frustrated because you don’t like your boss—they will reciprocate. And then you have a connection. That makes people feel safe, and it encourages them to engage. Make them see themselves in you. That’s especially important if you’re trying to persuade someone to hire you. If you don’t open up enough to establish some contact and discover some point of similarity, you will be just another resume.
In trying to win over someone, think about what that person needs. The guy using the leaf blower is just trying to get the job done fast, so your complaints about noise aren’t likely to get much sympathy—especially if you’re just stretched out by the pool while he is working on his lawn. When you think about it that way, you might even lose the urge to tell him what to do, because once you see it from his perspective, it seems more rational and even unassailable. But if Saturday morning is the only day you have to sleep in because it’s the only day you don’t have to get up early for work, then tell him that, and make it clear that you’d love to work out something that saves your silence but works into his schedule.
What about a more complicated and polarizing issue, like abortion? Let’s say I am in favor of it, and I’m trying to get someone opposed to it to see my point of view. I might start by saying, “I agree with you, the fetus is a human being. Let’s just get that off the table. Abortion is taking a life.” But what if I then say, “The woman’s life takes precedence. It’s like war. Some lives take precedence.” You’re more likely to get the argument moving if you’ve agreed on some baseline issues and only then try to move it in another direction. If I start by saying that abortion should be legal because it’s the woman’s right to choose, then I am defining myself as having no common ground with the person or audience I am trying to persuade. In debates, Abraham Lincoln was famous for conceding something as a way of winning an argument. He admitted, for instance, that states had rights—but not the right to allow citizens to enslave people.
By establishing that you agree on something, you make a step forward. If you are trying to win someone over, whether in person or in writing, point to others who are in the same social group as the audience and feel the same way. Present their endorsements. If you are writing an opinion piece, mention those who agree if you think that will resonate with your audience, and mention the opposition of those you expect your audience would dislike. One-on-one persuasion is as simple as saying to your husband, “I think we should watch Inspector Morse; John and Gary like it.” If you are in the same social group, and these friends have made good recommendations before, then their influence carries weight when you are trying to persuade someone to do something.
So, how did Abraham Lincoln win an argument?
In a legal case or a political debate, recalled [fellow attorney] Leonard Swett, Lincoln would concede nonessential points to his opponent, lulling him into a false sense of complacency. “But giving away six points and carrying the seventh he carried his case . . . the whole case hanging on the seventh. . . . Any man who took Lincoln for a simple-minded man would wind up with his back in a ditch.”
From “For a Vast Future Also”: Essays from the Journal of the Abraham Lincoln Association, edited by Thomas F. Schwartz (New York: Fordham University Press, 1999).
Think about the astonishing rise of the power of “influencers” on social media.
Celebrity endorsements follow the same principle. If you like me, then you will probably like what I like. We trust people who trust us, and we like people who like us. How do you reach that sense of sameness when you are trying to persuade someone? Focus on what you share, find the spot where you connect. When you’re trying to reach a consensus in person, mirroring is a useful technique. It’s a tactic that some family therapists employ. Mimic the other person’s body language and speech patterns, and you will increase feelings of similarity and comfort. It may seem creepy, but people like people who remind them of themselves. That’s how good salespeople operate.
What tricks of persuasion does Jonah Berger use?
Jonah Berger, a professor at the University of Pennsylvania and author of Contagious: Why Things Catch On (2013) and Invisible Influence: The Hidden Forces That Shape Behavior (2016), likes these tactics the most:
Mimicking is extremely impactful. When mannerisms, posture, or even the same language is used, mimicry builds trust and rapport and increases persuasion. When someone emails and says, “Hi XX” versus “Hey XX” or “Dear XX,” using the same language increases liking and affiliation. Make the desired behavior visible. Show them others are doing it. Enact the behavior you want them to imitate, or show them a high-status or desirable other who is doing it. “Monkey see, monkey do” is a powerful phrase, but the see part is really important. The easier something is to see, the easier it is to imitate. So make it visible. Want kids to eat their vegetables? Show them you eat yours. Want people to vote for Democrats? Show them that people they want to look like or affiliate with are doing it.
If you share some priorities and goals, then it’s much easier for someone to say yes—and much harder for them to say no. Both sides have an investment in the same thing. The same principles used in one-on-one persuasion can be used in writing. Know what will make your audience feel the need to agree with you. Understand the power of demonstrating similarities. Knowing that you both like dogs, as trivial as it sounds, might be the basis of a powerful connection.
You can use these ideas in something as simple as an email to someone you’re hoping to meet. Emphasize what you share. Maybe you both played lacrosse in college; mention that. You are much more likely to get an answer from someone you don’t know if you show that you understand something about the person you’re addressing—demonstrate that you respect them and that you are similar in some way. Then, and only then, ask for something. If someone asks for something, it’s human nature to want to say yes. We do this partly to be nice and partly to avoid confrontation.
Even when we’re not being asked for favors, all of us respond to people who like us. We like to be flattered. We like to be praised, and given compliments, and told we are right. Jennifer Chatman, a professor at Berkeley, has found that there’s no limit to the amount of flattery people like, as long as it doesn’t seem fake. Use it to get what you want. The flattery doesn’t even have to be personal. In a 2010 Hong Kong study, students were given a flyer that said they were being contacted because they were fashionable and stylish. Although the students had to know that it was impersonal and that the flyer was asking them to shop at a store, those who received the flyer were more favorably disposed toward that store than those who did not receive it. Make people feel smart with the right amount of flattery, and they are more likely to agree with you on unrelated matters. If you compliment someone on his tie, maybe he will support your plan for a change in company strategy.
Like everyone, I love compliments. I hadn’t been in Op-Ed long when I received a letter—not an email, but a letter—from Shmully Hecht, an Orthodox rabbi who advised and cofounded the Jewish society for Yale called Shabtai, which focuses on bringing all kinds of people together. He wanted me to speak at one of their dinners. I had no idea who he was, or what his organization did. Later, when I was more comfortable in the job, I went to many colleges and organizations to talk about how to write op-eds and what we were looking for. But when I got that letter from Shmully, I was new and overwhelmed. I called him anyway. I think I went because I’m always happy to visit New Haven, where I lived in my twenties. More important, Shmully said that my predecessor, David Shipley, had made the trip and that the dinner had been successful. I admired David and figured if he did it, I probably ought to as well. On the way to New Haven, I cursed myself for agreeing to the visit but decided at least I had declined the offer to spend the night, so it wouldn’t be endless. To my surprise, the dinner turned out to be fun. Most of the conversation was stimulating, and I was glad to be there.
I learned a few things from that trip.
One, flattery is powerful. Shmully understood that if he made me feel this was something that important editors did, I would be inclined to do it as well. He made it clear that my presence would be helpful to the students, and he understood what I was trying to accomplish in Op-Ed. Flattery has to be focused on something true, and something meaningful to the recipient. If you’re trying to persuade an editor to look at your article or your book, show that you are familiar with his body of work. If he has primarily edited political nonfiction, don’t ask him if he would like to look at your essay on boxing.
Two, never assume who your “type” is. Shmully, an Orthodox Jew and Chabad rabbi, could not even shake my hand when we met, because he abides by an ancient Jewish tradition that forbids men to touch any women who are not relatives. And yet, he became a friend.
And three, never accept a ride back to the city with someone you’ve never traveled with. I don’t remember the name of the guy who offered me a ride, and I have no desire to learn it; but when I got home, I thought it was a miracle that I’d survived a trip with the world’s worst driver.