Writing skills success - LearningExpress 2009

Lesson 18. Diction
Pretest

A special kind of beauty exists which is born in language, of language, and for language.

—Gaston Bachelard, French philosopher (1884-1962)

LESSON SUMMARY

What does writing have to do with diction? Diction often refers to speaking components, such as intonation, inflection, and enunciation, but it also encompasses word choice and style. Effective language means concise, precise writing. Lessons 18 and 19 will focus on helping you learn to choose the words that will best communicate your ideas.

A word is a terrible thing to waste. Or is it better to say, “It is a terrible thing to waste a word”? The difference between these two versions is a matter of diction, using appropriate words and combining them in the right way to communicate your message accurately. This lesson discusses ways to avoid some of the most common diction traps: wordiness, lack of precison, elicits, and jargon. Learning to recognize and avoid such writing weaknesses will turn a mediocre writer into a good one—this means expressing ideas in the best and clearest possible way.

Wordiness

Excess words in communication waste space and time. Not only that, but they may also distort the message or make it difficult for the reader to understand. Get in the habit of streamlining your writing, making the sentences as concise as possible. If you use five words where three would do, delete the extra words or structure your sentences to avoid them. See if you can rewrite the sentences in the first column to make them less wordy. Check yourself against the version in the second column.

The additional words in the first column add no information. All they do is take up space.

Buzzwords and Fluffy Modifiers

Buzzwords—such as aspect, element, factor, scope, situation, type, kind, forms, and so on—sound important, but add no meaning to a sentence. They often signal a writer who has little or nothing to say, yet wishes to sound important. Likewise, modifiers such as absolutely, defi nitely, really, very, important, signifi cant, current, major, and quite may add length to a sentence, but they seldom add meaning.

Wordy:

The nature of the scheduling system is a very important matter that can defi nitely have a really signifi cant impact on the morale aspect of an employee’s attitude. Aspects of our current scheduling policy make it absolutely necessary that we undergo a signifi cant change.

Revised:

The scheduling system can affect employee morale. Our policy needs to be changed.

The following table lists a host of phrases that can be reduced to one or two words.

Passive Voice

Some wordiness is caused by using passive voice verbs when you could use the active voice. (See Lesson 11 if you don’t remember passive voice.)

Intellectual-ese

Those passive sentences suffer not only from passive voice wordiness, but also from the writer’s attempt to make the writing sound intellectual, to make the message more difficult than necessary. Writers make this error in many ways. One way is to turn adjectives and verbs into nouns. This transformation usually means extra words are added to the sentence.

Another way writers add words without adding meaning is to use a pretentious tone. What follows is an actual memo issued by a bureaucrat during World War II. When it was sent to President Franklin Roosevelt for his approval, he edited the memo before sending it on.

Original pretentious memo:

In the unlikely event of an attack by an invader of a foreign nature, such preparations shall be made as will completely obscure all Federal buildings and non-Federal buildings occupied by the Federal government during an air raid for any period of time from visibility by reason of internal or external illumination.

Roosevelt’s revised memo:

If there is an air raid, put something across the windows and turn off the lights outside in buildings where we have to keep the work going.

Here’s another example of pretentious writing, along with a clearer, revised version.

Pompous memo:

As per the most recent directive issued from this office, it is incumbent upon all employees and they are henceforth instructed to reduce in amount the paper used in the accomplishment of their daily tasks due to the marked increase in the cost of such supplies.

Revised:

Since paper costs have increased, employees must use less paper.

Writers sometimes stretch their sentences with unnecessary words, all to sound intelligent. The previous table illustrates stretched sentences that have been rewritten more concisely.

Redundancy

Another writing trap that takes up space is redundancy, repeating words that express the same idea or in which the meanings overlap. If you stop to think about phrases like the following—and many others—you’ll see that the extra words are not only unnecessary but often just plain silly.

enclosed with this letter

remit payment

absolutely necessary

weather outside

postpone until later

refer back

past history

ask the question

continue on, proceed ahead

repeated over again

gather together

compulsory requirement

temporarily suspended

necessary requirements

plain and simple

Enclosed means it’s in this letter, doesn’t it? Remit means pay. And how can something be more necessary than necessary? The weather outside as opposed to the weather inside? Past history as opposed to ...? You see the point. Keep it simple. (Not plain and simple.)

Practice

Try rewriting the following sentences to remove the fluffy wording. Suggested revisions are at the end of this lesson, but your versions may be different; there’s more than one way to rewrite these sentences.

1. It gives us great pleasure to take this opportunity to announce the opening of the newly built playground at the Municipal Park in Succasunna.

2. Some educators hold with the opinion that corporal punishment should in fact be reinstated in our schools to act as a deterrent to those students who are considering engaging in inappropriate behavior.

3. It is certainly a true statement that bears repeating over and over again that technological advancements such as computers can assist employees in performing in a very efficient manner, and that these self-same computers may in fact result in considerable savings over a period of time.

4. I arrived at a decision to allow the supervisor of my department to achieve a higher golf score in order to enhance my opportunities for advancement in the event that such opportunities became available.

Precise Language

Make your writing as precise as possible. In doing so, you communicate more meaning using fewer words. In other words, you make your writing more concise. Choose exact verbs, modifiers, and nouns to help you transmit an exact meaning, such as the examples in the following table.

Abstract vs. Concrete

Abstract language refers to intangible ideas or to classes of people and objects rather than the people or things themselves. Abstractions are built on concrete ideas. Without a grasp of the concrete meanings, a reader can’t be expected to understand an abstract idea. Journalists and law enforcement professionals are especially aware of the distinction between abstract and concrete as they write. They strive to present the facts clearly, so the reader can draw conclusions. They avoid making the assumptions for the reader, hoping the facts will speak for themselves. Concrete language requires more time and thought to write, but it communicates a message more effectively. Additional words are an advantage if they add meaning or increase precision.

Cliches

A cliche is a tired, overworked phrase that sucks the life out of writing. These are cliche phrases: a needle in a haystack, quiet as a mouse, crack of dawn, tough as nails, naked truth, hear a pin drop, and so on. Authors use cliches when they don’t have the time or ability to come up with more precise or more meaningful language. Although clichёs are a sort of “communication shorthand,” they rely on stereotypical thinking for their meaning. A writer who uses clichёs is relying on unoriginal, worn-out thinking patterns to carry a message. If the message is important, fresh language will make a stronger impression than old, overused phrases. Original language stimulates thought and heightens the reader’s concentration. Moreover, a fresh image rewards an attentive reader.

Imagine that a writer wanted to explain how difficult it was to find the source of a problem. Look at the following two versions. One relies on a cliche to communicate the message, while the other uses a fresher, more original approach. Which version is likely to make the stronger impression, to communicate the message more effectively?

Finding the source of this problem was harder than finding a needle in a haystack.

Finding the source of this problem was harder than finding a fact in a political advertisement.

Here are more examples contrasting clichёs with fresher, more original language. When you check your writing, look for ways to replace frequently used words and phrases with something fresh and original.

We rose at the crack of dawn.

We rose with the roosters.

Having Sam at our negotiations meetings was like having a loose cannon on deck.

Having Sam at our negotiations meetings was like having a German shepherd’s tail in your crystal closet.

Jargon

Jargon is the technical, wordy language used by those associated with a trade or profession. Often, it is full of passive voice, acronyms, technical terms, and abstract words. Writers use jargon to sound educated, sophisticated, or knowledgeable. Actually, jargon muddies and even distorts the message. Compare the following two paragraphs.

Alex demonstrates a tendency to engage inappropriately in verbal social interaction during class time. His grades are deficient because he suffers from an unwillingness to complete supplementary assignments between class periods.

Alex talks in class when he isn’t supposed to. He has low grades because he doesn’t do his homework.

The first paragraph leaves the impression that Alex is a sociopath with a serious problem. The second portrays him as a student who needs to talk less and work more. When you write, strive for clear, plain language that communicates your message accurately. Clear communication leaves a better impression by far than pretentious, abstract, jargon-filled words.

Practice

Choose the option that expresses the idea most clearly and concisely. Answers are at the end of the lesson.

5. a. Doubtless, the best choice we could make would reflect our association’s founding principles.

b. It is without a doubt that the most advantageous selection we could choose would be one that best reflects our association’s principles that it has had since its origin.

6. a. The least expensive option in a situation such as this is inevitably also the most advantageous option.

b. The cheapest way is the best way.

7. a. Too many youngsters prefer using their spare time with popular modern pastimes to improving their minds with more analytical options.

b. Too many youngsters prefer using their spare time to play video games, instant message, and text message friends than to improve their minds with reading.

8. a. The marketing department found that customers prefer the vanilla scent.

b. Consumer attitude studies conducted by our marketing department seem to indicate that a large majority of our customers had good things to say about the vanilla scent.

Answers

1. We are pleased to announce the opening of Succasunna’s new Municipal Park playground.

2. Some educators believe that unruly students should be spanked.

3. Using computers can save time and money.

4. I let my supervisor beat me at golf so she would promote me.

5. a.

6. b.

7. b.

8. a.

TIP

Listen to public officials as they deliver prepared speeches. Do they speak clearly and plainly, or are they trying to sound “official”? A truly competent, intelligent speaker or writer doesn’t need a mask of pretentious, abstract, sophisticated-sounding language.