Writing skills success - LearningExpress 2009

Lesson 19. More diction
Pretest

The English language is nobody’s special property. It is the property of the imagination: It is the property of the language itself.

—Derek Walcott, poet and playwright (1930- )

LESSON SUMMARY

We continue learning about diction and writing clearly and accurately. Here we look at colloquialisms, loaded language, consistent points of view, parallelisms, and gender-neutral language.

Good writers know that communicating requires choosing words carefully. Writing styles that are too formal or informal, inappropriate, or just plain emotional turn readers off. You may have the best ideas in the world, but if you can’t get them across in writing, no one will ever act on your great ideas. On the other hand, well-expressed, commonplace ideas are more likely to get attention. How you choose your words has everything to do with whether your writing gets the attention it deserves.

Colloquialism

Colloquialisms are informal words and phrases such as a lot, in a bind, pulled it off, and so on. These words and phrases are widely used in conversations between friends, but in written communication, they portray an attitude of chumminess or close friendship that may cause your message to be taken less seriously than you intended. You may even insult your reader without meaning to. A friendly, colloquial tone is fine in a personal letter; however, a more formal tone is better for business communications, which are meant to be taken seriously. Compare the following paragraphs. If you received these two memos from an employee, which would you take more seriously?

I think the way we promote people around here stinks. People who aren’t that good at their jobs get promoted just because they pal around with the right people. That puts across the idea that it doesn’t matter how much time I put in at work or how good of a job I do; I won’t get promoted unless I kiss up to the boss. I’m not that kind of guy.

I think our promotion system is unfair. Average and below-average employees receive promotions simply because they befriend their superiors. This practice leaves the impression that commitment and quality of work are not considered. I choose not to socialize with my supervisors, and I feel as though I am not being promoted for that reason alone.

The writer of the first paragraph sounds as if he doesn’t take his job all that seriously. And yet he probably does; he just hasn’t managed to communicate his seriousness in writing because he has used language that is more appropriate in a conversation with his friends than a memo to his supervisor. The writer of the second paragraph, on the other hand, conveys his seriousness by using more formal language. He has done so without falling into the opposite trap, discussed in the last lesson, of trying to sound too intelligent. He has used plain, but not colloquial, language.

The sentences in the following table illustrate the difference between colloquial and formal diction. By substituting the highlighted words, the sentence becomes more formal rather than colloquial.

Tone

Tone describes a writer’s emotional attitude toward the subject or the audience. The more reasonable and objective a message seems, the more likely it is to be considered seriously. Raging emotions seldom convince anyone to change an opinion, and they seldom convince anyone who is undecided. Persuasion requires clearly presented facts and logically presented arguments. A reader or listener will give the most credibility to an argument that seems fair and objective. Emotion can reduce credibility. Use it carefully.

Avoid Anger

Avoid accusatory, angry words that make demands. Consider the two paragraphs that follow. Which one is most likely to persuade the reader to take action?

I just got this stupid credit card bill in the mail. None of these outrageous charges are mine. I can’t believe some big corporation like yours can’t find a way to keep its records straight or keep its customers from being cheated. If you can’t do any better than that, why don’t you just give it up? I reported my stolen credit card five days before any of these charges were made, and yet you idiots have charged me for these purchases. The fine print you guys are so fond of putting in all of your contracts says I am not (I’ll say it again just to help you understand) not responsible for these charges. I want them removed immediately.

The credit card bill I received on April 25 contains several charges that need to be removed. I reported my stolen credit card on April 20. When I called to make the report, the representative referred me to the original contract that states, “No charges in excess of $50.00 nor any made more than 24 hours after the card has been reported stolen shall be charged to the customer’s account.” Naturally, I was quite relieved. All of the charges on this account were made more than 24 hours after I reported the stolen card. Please remove the charges from my account. Thank you very much.

No matter how angry you might be, giving your reader the benefit of the doubt is not only polite but also more likely to get results. (This principle is even more important when you’re writing a supervisor, employee, or client than when you’re writing a big credit card company.) The first letter is the one you might write in the heat of the moment when you first get your credit card bill. In fact, writing that letter might help you get the anger out of your system. Tearing it up will make you feel even better. Then you can sit down and write the letter you’re actually going to send—the second version.

Use sarcasm (bitter, derisive language) and irony (saying the opposite of what you actually mean) carefully in your writing. Like anger, sarcasm brings your credibility into question. Overusing sarcasm can make you seem childish or petty rather than reasonable and logical. Furthermore, for irony to be successful, the reader must immediately recognize it. Unless the reader fully understands, you risk confusing or distorting your message. A little well-placed irony or sarcasm may invigorate your writing, but it requires careful, skillful use.

Avoid Cuteness

Avoid words that make your writing sound flippant, glib, or cute. Although the writing may be entertaining to the reader, it might not be taken seriously. The following paragraph protests a decision, but fails to offer a single reason why the decision was wrong. It may get the attention of the reader, but it won’t produce any results, except perhaps the dismissal of its author.

I’m just a li’l ol’ girl, but it’s clear to me that this decision is dead wrong. I’m afraid that the people who made it have a serious intelligence problem. If they took their two IQ points and rubbed them together, they probably couldn’t start gasoline on fire. If you were one of those people . . . Oh well, it’s been nice working for you.

The conclusion implied in this writer’s last sentence—that she doesn’t expect to work here much longer—is probably accurate.

Avoid Pompousness

Avoid words that make your writing sound pompous or preachy. Few people respond positively to a condescending, patronizing tone. Compare the following two paragraphs, both written by employees seeking a promotion. Which employee would you promote if they were both vying for the same position and had nearly identical work records and qualifications?

If you examine my service and work record for the past two years, I believe you will find a dedicated, hardworking employee who is ideal for the floor manager position. I believe all employees should be on time for their jobs. You will see that my attendance record is impeccable, no absences and no tardies. You can see from my monthly evaluations that I was a high-quality employee when I was hired and that I have consistently maintained my high standards. I strive to be the kind of employee all managers wish to hire, and I believe my record shows this. I am also extremely responsible. Again, my record will reflect that my supervisors have confidence in me and assign additional responsibility readily to me because I am someone who can handle it. I am a man of my word, and I believe that responsibility is something to be treasured, not shirked. As you compare me with other employees, I feel confident that you will find I am the most competent person available.

Thank you for considering me for the position of floor manager. As you make your decision, I would like to highlight three items from my service and work record. First, in two years, I have not missed work and have been tardy only once, as the result of an accident. Second, my supervisors have given me the highest ratings on each of the monthly evaluations. Finally, I was pleased to have been given additional responsibilities during my supervisors’ vacation times, and I learned a great deal about managing sales and accounts as a result. I welcome the challenge that would come with a promotion. Thank you again for your consideration.

Both writers highlight the same aspects of their employment records. Yet the first writer seems so full of himself that his superiors might wonder whether he has the people skills to be an effective supervisor. No one wants to work for a supervisor who is prone to such pronouncements as “responsibility is something to be treasured, not shirked.” The other writer’s just- the-facts approach is bound to make a better impression on the decision makers.

Avoid Cheap Emotion

Avoid language that is full of sentimentality or cheap emotion. You risk making your reader gag. The following paragraph illustrates this error.

We were so deeply hurt by your cruel thoughtlessness in failing to introduce us to Jack Nicholson. He is the most wonderful, talented actor to have ever walked the face of the earth. My friend Charlotte and I so admire him and have ever since we can remember. Our admiration is a deep-channeled river that will never stop flowing. I’m sure you can imagine just how sorely disappointed and deeply wounded we were when we were not given the opportunity and honor to shake the hand and hear the voice of this great man. Neither I nor my dearest friend can seem to forget this slight, and I’m sure we will remain scarred for many years to come.

Are you gagging yet? Instead of regretting not having introduced the writer to the great Jack Nicholson, the reader probably congratulates himself on not having let this nut case get near him.

Consistent Point of View

Authors can write using the first-person point of view (I, me, we, us, my, our), second-person point of view (you, your), or third-person point of view (she, he, one, they, her, him, them, hers, his, one’s, theirs). Avoid switching points of view within or between sentences. Keep the point of view consistent throughout.

Parallelism

Two or more equivalent ideas in a sentence that have the same purpose should be presented in the same form. This is called parallel structure. Using parallel sentence structures not only helps your writing flow smoothly, but also helps readers quickly recognize similar ideas. Look at the following examples of parallel words, phrases, and clauses.

Pairs of ideas should always be presented in parallel constructions. The following sentences present two or more equivalent ideas using similar forms.

The committee finds no original and inspiring ideas in your proposal. What is original is not inspiring, and what is inspiring is not original.

We came, we saw, we conquered.

Belle was a timid, talented, and creative person.

Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.

Using Gender-Neutral Language

It may seem that language is neutral, simply a tool for expressing ideas. Although this is partly true, our language reflects our values and communicates to others our social biases about gender and other issues. If an entire culture is gender-biased, the language automatically becomes a vehicle for expressing and perpetuating those biases. One of the first steps toward overcoming such a prejudice is to examine the language and change it so that it no longer perpetuates false stereotypes about gender.

Some people resist changing the language, thinking that the words are harmless and that those who are offended are simply too sensitive. The fact remains that many readers are sensitive to, and offended by, the traditional use of masculine pronouns to refer to both sexes or by diminutive suffixes indicating gender. Saying, “Man must fulfill his destiny” or “Emily Dickinson was a great poetess” strikes them as archaic at best and insulting at worst.

Whenever emotionally charged words distract a reader, the message suffers. A reader who is offended by the words won’t get the meaning.

Gender Traps

The following are samples of the type of language to avoid because the emotional charge may sidetrack the ideas.

Masculine Nouns or Pronouns

The most serious difficulty comes when using pronouns. If the pronoun he is used to refer to an indefinite person—a teacher, a student, a postal carrier—the underlying assumption seems to be that all teachers or students or postal carriers are male. The same problem comes up with words such as someone, somebody, everyone, no one, or nobody. Here are some examples of gender traps in sentences and possible ways to revise them.

Note that you cannot simply change the words he and his to they and theirs. “If anyone wants to improve their test scores, they should good take notes and study” is grammatically incorrect. The pronouns they and their don’t match their antecedent, anyone, in number, because anyone is singular and they is plural.

Women as Subordinate to Men

Writers can make it seem as if men are always leaders and women are always subordinate in many subtle ways.

Writers also fall into a similar kind of trap when they refer to men according to their abilities, while referring to women according to their appearance.

Note that in both sentences in the first column, the man is referred to by his profession, while the woman is referred to by her appearance. To avoid the appearance of assigning value to men because of their accomplishments and to women because of their appearance, refer to both in the same context, either physical or professional. Furthermore, in the first example, the man is addressed by a formal title, and the woman is not identified except as the wife belonging to the man. To avoid the appearance of referring to the woman strictly as the possession of the man, refer to both by name.

“Men’s” Jobs and “Women’s” Jobs

Avoid making special note of gender when discussing a job traditionally done by men or women—those traditions don’t hold anymore! The first sentence makes traditional assumptions, while the second does not.

When a man on board collapsed, a lady pilot emerged from the cockpit, and a male nurse offered assistance.

When a passenger collapsed, a pilot emerged from the cockpit, and a nurse offered assistance.

The references lady pilot and male nurse call attention to themselves because they assume that the reader will automatically assign a gender to the job. Readers who do not think in terms of the traditional stereotypes will be offended by the writer’s assumption that they do engage in stereotypical thinking.

Avoiding Gender Traps

As a writer, you must understand the effect of gender references on readers. You can avoid offending readers unintentionally with gender-specific language in three ways: using gender-neutral terms, using the plural, or restructuring sentences altogether to avoid a gender reference. All these tactics have already been illustrated in the previous revised sentences. More examples appear next.

Use Gender-Neutral Terms

There are a lot of words in English that traditionally have taken different forms for male and female persons. These distinctions are becoming obsolete. Today, most people prefer one term to refer to both men and women in their particular roles. And this change doesn’t have to be awkward, as you can see in the following table.

In the past, it was common to use the word man to refer to all humanity, both men and women. Today, that usage will offend many readers. The following sentence demonstrates this kind of usage while the second one offers a more appropriate alternative.

If man wishes to improve his environment, he must improve himself.

If humanity wishes to improve its environment, each individual must improve.

Convert to the Plural

One of the stickiest gender-reference problems is how to deal with a sentence such as “A student must do his homework if he wants to succeed in his classes.” The easiest way to avoid those troublesome he words is to turn the singular pronouns he, she, him, hers, or his into the plural pronouns they and their. Of course, then you must also revise the antecedents of those pronouns so they are also plural (see Lesson 13): “ Students must do their homework if they want to succeed in their classes.” The table on the next page offers some other examples.

Restructure Sentences to Avoid Gender Reference

Finally, you can avoid gender references altogether by restructuring your sentences. See how this is done in the following examples.

TIP

Pay close attention to the tone and style of everything you write or read. Is the degree of formality appropriate for the message and the audience? Do you sense emotional overload? Is the point of view consistent? Are equivalent ideas presented equally? Does the writing contain gender references? If so, are they likely to offend the reader?