The little red writing book - Brandon Royal 2007

Cut down long sentences
Style

Principle #9: Make your writing clearer by dividing up long sentences.

One way to make your writing clearer is to limit the use of long sentences. The easiest way to do this is to divide a long sentence into two or more shorter sentences. Caveat: The value of using short sentences does not mean that all sentences should be short. This would create a choppy style and is precisely where the art of writing needs to come into play. The writer must judge how to weave short sentences with longer ones, as well as how to use sentence variety (see Principle 14).

Here’s an example of a very long sentence that needs help.

ORIGINAL

Leadership — whether on the battlefield or in another area, such as politics or business — can take place either by example or command, and Alexander the Great, renowned in both history and legend, is a good example of a military leader who led by both command and personal example, whereas Gandhi and Mother Teresa, both famous for their devotion to great causes, provide instances of people leading primarily by the inspiring power of personal example.

Cutting this large sentence into at least two or three smaller sentences would result in the following:

BETTER

Leadership can take place either by example or command. Alexander the Great is an example of a military leader who did both. Gandhi and Mother Teresa, on the other hand, led primarily by the inspiring power of personal example.

Here is another example of a “one-sentence” paragraph:

ORIGINAL

I entered the Neurological Faculty of the hospital and endured the next three months undergoing various diagnostic tests including EEG monitoring, in which my brain’s electrical rhythms were monitored by electrodes placed on my scalp held by adhesive glue to record activity over a period of time, daily blood testing and blood counts, and all the required tests which subjected my brain to further diagnostic imaging from CAT scanning (computerized tomography), to an MRI (magnetic resonance imaging), to the costly PET scanning (positron emission tomography) and even the painful spinal fluid testing.

Obviously the previous sentence is running wild. Cut this large sentence into two or three smaller sentences as follows:

BETTER

I entered the Neurological Faculty of the hospital and endured three months of diagnostic tests including EEG monitoring, daily blood testing, and blood counts. EEG monitoring subjected my brain to electrical rhythms after electrodes were attached to my scalp. Other diagnostic tests further scrutinized my brain: CAT scans (computerized tomography), MRIs (magnetic resonance imaging), costly PET scans (positron emission tomography), and even painful spinal fluid testing.

There is power in short sentences, and their use should not be underestimated. Really short sentences (three to five words) catch the reader’s eye and stand out as if naked. Their occasional use can add a dynamic touch to your writing. For example:

I like beer. Beer explains more about me than anything in the world. Who am I? I am the beer man — at least that is what many of my close friends call me.

One idea that carries merit is the “topic sentence, one-line rule.” Topic sentences should ideally not be longer than one line to ensure that the reader grasps your point quickly.

In reference to beer and bare-naked sentences, the following sentences were used as part of a major campaign for dark beer:

Dark is different. Dark is exquisite. Dark is discerning. Dark is determined. Dark is mysterious. Dark is sensual. Dark is smooth. Dark is the other side of one’s desire.